CYN Summit | Reality-Based Change

Lisa Gunderson Author

12/19/2016 Added

58 Plays

Description

Lisa is a certified by Cy Wakeman, Inc., to delivered reality-based leadership programs to audiences of all professional levels.

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[00:00:06.160]I want everybody to stand up,
[00:00:08.421]please, I have to use my manners.
[00:00:11.833]How many of you remember what your first job was?
[00:00:15.729]It probably wasn't that long ago
[00:00:17.120]for most of you in this room.
[00:00:18.892]When I had to think back about that,
[00:00:20.858]it was a long time ago.
[00:00:22.815]How many of you knew when you took that first job
[00:00:25.769]that you were a leader?
[00:00:28.612]So not very many.
[00:00:30.373]Okay.
[00:00:31.292]How many of you knew your purpose of your job
[00:00:34.330]when you went there?
[00:00:36.398]Now I wanna ask you another question.
[00:00:38.385]Everybody in here that is a mother, I want you to sit down.
[00:00:45.435]Everybody in here that is a sister, I want you to sit down.
[00:00:51.269](audience laughs)
[00:00:53.770]Everyone in here that is a father sit down.
[00:01:00.727]Everyone in here that is a brother sit down.
[00:01:06.691](audience laughs)
[00:01:11.616]Oh, stay, please stay.
[00:01:14.231]Anyone in here that is a neighbor sit down.
[00:01:19.482]There you go.
[00:01:20.510]Did I get everybody?
[00:01:22.396]Okay.
[00:01:23.476]Leadership today is not about title.
[00:01:28.172]Leadership today is about your power of influence.
[00:01:32.345]And I start by talking about what your first job was.
[00:01:36.426]I like to ask you questions,
[00:01:37.938]'cause I like to get you thinking
[00:01:39.548]about where you came from,
[00:01:42.027]and I want you thinking about where you're going.
[00:01:45.769]The job that we have today of being a leader
[00:01:49.882]in our communities is about the power of influence.
[00:01:53.748]And you have the power of influence in everything you do.
[00:01:58.569]So, it's not a goal that you get to.
[00:02:01.025]You have that power right now
[00:02:03.345]and you have that power when you took your first job.
[00:02:06.924]You had that power when you were to find your first role,
[00:02:11.371]as a mother, as a father, as a sister, as a brother,
[00:02:14.768]as a neighbor, as a friend, as a community leader
[00:02:19.363]in the world today, it started a long time ago.
[00:02:22.520]And we're just having the conversation now.
[00:02:26.067]Kind of scary, huh?
[00:02:27.793]So when I talked to Kayla and I said,
[00:02:29.818]"What do you want me to bring to this audience?"
[00:02:32.989]She said a few things.
[00:02:34.882]I want you to talk about leadership.
[00:02:37.577]I want you to talk about effective change,
[00:02:40.764]and I want you to bring all of that together in this room,
[00:02:44.671]so everybody understands the power that they have.
[00:02:47.731]So when you leave these doors today,
[00:02:50.911]you know you have that power of influence.
[00:02:53.824]It's up to you, if you decide to use it for good or evil.
[00:02:58.473]Okay.
[00:02:59.427]So, here's where we're gonna go.
[00:03:01.245]I want to ask you,
[00:03:04.326]how many of you have your phones on you?
[00:03:07.748]Here's what I want you to do.
[00:03:10.242]When I first put this program together,
[00:03:13.911]I don't know much about young anymore, okay.
[00:03:19.311]'Cause young for me was a long time ago.
[00:03:21.529]So, I have resources all around me
[00:03:24.519]working for Cy Wakeman with the others at Team Wakeman.
[00:03:29.463]We have a lot of young people there.
[00:03:32.691]So I have a resource that I could use and say,
[00:03:36.894]"Hey, guys, I'm putting together this program
[00:03:39.681]"and I don't come from young anymore.
[00:03:41.862]"So tell me what are you looking for in leadership?
[00:03:45.579]"How do we keep people engaged?"
[00:03:47.982]And so my resource was my great IT guy there, Alex,
[00:03:52.264]who does that and much more at Cy Wakeman, Inc.
[00:03:56.505]And he said to get them engaged, let them use their gadgets.
[00:03:59.870]So, at first I was freaking out.
[00:04:02.778]Clearly I've already broke this,
[00:04:05.181]that I like to call a clicker, but it's called a presenter.
[00:04:09.651]And I said to Alex, "How do we get them engaged?"
[00:04:12.130]And he said, "Have them get out their gadgets,
[00:04:14.535]"and let's have them text in their response."
[00:04:18.355]So here's the question I want you thinking about.
[00:04:21.640]You were asked this question when you signed up
[00:04:24.551]for this program, when you were surveyed.
[00:04:27.312]How many roles do you hold as leader?
[00:04:31.225]And it went anywhere from zero to five.
[00:04:35.205]So when I talked to Kayla
[00:04:36.787]and we started putting this program together, I said,
[00:04:39.967]"How many people said that they had zero roles as a leader?"
[00:04:44.469]And I wanna say this was maybe two months ago.
[00:04:48.810]And she had maybe 150 people signed up for this conference.
[00:04:52.492]About 10% thought they had zero role as a leader.
[00:04:59.238]Zero.
[00:05:00.970]Hopefully, in this first five minutes,
[00:05:03.375]you've realized that you have a lot more impact than that
[00:05:06.909]with all of the roles that you play in life.
[00:05:10.048]So, I want you to get your phone out,
[00:05:13.755]and you're going to text the number.
[00:05:17.415]We're gonna see where we're at now.
[00:05:20.091]Have we come up from that 10%?
[00:05:22.285]How many roles do you believe that you have as a leader?
[00:05:29.140]The difference that 60 days makes.
[00:05:32.248]And I think we have 100 more people
[00:05:34.794]that came to this conference.
[00:05:36.336]So let's start talking about that.
[00:05:38.169]The power of influence.
[00:05:39.832]If I give you that label,
[00:05:41.421]how many roles do you have as a leader?
[00:05:46.503]Here's how I'm gonna end it.
[00:05:48.495]My first job was as a babysitter.
[00:05:50.739]How many of you were babysitters, that was your first job?
[00:05:52.797]Okay.
[00:05:53.785]I think I was 12.
[00:05:55.454]I was responsible for an infant.
[00:05:57.544]Whoever made that decision, I'm still not sure.
[00:05:59.979]Probably wasn't a good idea on their part.
[00:06:03.404]So I went to the person's house,
[00:06:05.583]my mom would sign me up for this job,
[00:06:07.547]took care of the baby, did whatever I did,
[00:06:09.489]I made it home and my mom said to me, "How'd it go?"
[00:06:14.020]And I said, "Good, baby's still alive, it's all good,
[00:06:17.529]"house is still there, parents came home,
[00:06:19.700]"I made it back, it's all good."
[00:06:21.500]She said, "Did you leave it better than when you got there?"
[00:06:26.021]I said, "What are you talking about?"
[00:06:27.487]She said, "Did you leave it better than when you got there?
[00:06:31.557]"Did you do the dishes, did you do the laundry,
[00:06:33.548]"did you put the clothes away?"
[00:06:35.538]And I said, "Well, of course,
[00:06:36.834]"because that's what you taught me to do."
[00:06:39.914]So I want you to think about that.
[00:06:41.947]As your power of influence,
[00:06:45.995]do you leave it better
[00:06:49.268]than when you got there?
[00:06:51.269]In every situation, whether you're sitting in your car
[00:06:54.783]driving down the interstate, or you're at home with family,
[00:06:59.735]when you leave that situation, do you add value?
[00:07:04.564]Leaders add value.
[00:07:07.236]That's your power of influence.
[00:07:10.608]So I want you thinking about that throughout.
[00:07:13.613]You don't have to wait to add value,
[00:07:15.655]the power that you have as a leader today,
[00:07:20.258]you're using that power to drive change.
[00:07:24.669]So effective change is about making a difference
[00:07:27.907]with the power you have and using it for good.
[00:07:31.711]Now, when we go into corporations weekly,
[00:07:35.911]sometimes daily, monthly, we see the same thing.
[00:07:39.172]The other thing I'm supposed to give you is a balance.
[00:07:42.735]I'm supposed to help you balance
[00:07:44.211]your work and your home life.
[00:07:45.771]How many people struggle with that today?
[00:07:48.325]I'm not there, but I'm getting there.
[00:07:50.659]And I'm learning as I go.
[00:07:51.860]Good leaders know that you don't have all the answers.
[00:07:56.557]Sometimes you knock it out of the ballpark and you rock it,
[00:08:00.069]and other times you fail.
[00:08:02.366]Either way, to dust yourself off and keep moving forward
[00:08:07.107]and being the driver of effective change
[00:08:09.823]is our goal as a leader today.
[00:08:13.585]So, I want you to look up here at the circles.
[00:08:18.339]When we go into businesses, this is usually what we'll find.
[00:08:22.263]There's some sort of conflict.
[00:08:24.645]Some of the best companies that are knocking it
[00:08:27.628]out of the ballpark call people from Team Wakeman in
[00:08:30.592]and they say, "Help us, we wanna be better."
[00:08:33.879]Being a leader is not being perfect.
[00:08:37.267]Being a leader is asking questions,
[00:08:40.902]twice as many questions as you give answers to.
[00:08:44.882]It's also inspiring people, and having enough courage
[00:08:49.660]to hold them accountable for their behavior.
[00:08:52.317]But to understand mindset and that's what Alex gave me,
[00:08:56.683]he said, "Lisa, here's what we need to hear.
[00:09:00.038]"Here's the hope we want to have.
[00:09:02.344]"We need help with our mindset,
[00:09:05.037]"because until you understand where you came from
[00:09:08.233]"and how your brain works, you won't know how to interrupt
[00:09:12.223]"that thought to make an effective change."
[00:09:15.077]Okay.
[00:09:15.910]So here's how it works.
[00:09:17.224]Something happens and we don't agree with it.
[00:09:20.680]Think about the last time you had conflict.
[00:09:24.130]So you're struggling with conflict.
[00:09:25.491]It usually involves another person.
[00:09:27.627]How many of your jobs would be perfect
[00:09:29.192]if it just weren't for the people there?
[00:09:31.821]We all feel like that some days, right?
[00:09:33.939]Even at home you go there and you're like,
[00:09:35.396]"I would love this house, if I was by myself."
[00:09:38.096]Right?
[00:09:39.589](audience laughs)
[00:09:41.135]I would love this job if I was by myself,
[00:09:42.727]I love driving down this road,
[00:09:44.020]if there just weren't other people driving.
[00:09:46.683]Somebody gets out of bed every day
[00:09:48.295]just to make my life hard, right.
[00:09:53.866]But then I come here and I survey you
[00:09:55.196]and I go how many of you get out of bed
[00:09:56.871]just to go for somebody and make their world miserable,
[00:09:59.890]and nobody raises their hand.
[00:10:01.153]I'm like, who are these people?
[00:10:02.919](audience laughs)
[00:10:07.192]I put you there, because until you get where we come from,
[00:10:11.578]your mindset is about awareness.
[00:10:14.286]Until you're aware of our behavior,
[00:10:16.749]can you make effective change?
[00:10:18.775]Okay.
[00:10:19.626]So, when we go into businesses, what we usually find
[00:10:22.412]is there's been some sort of conflict,
[00:10:24.879]and here are the numbers.
[00:10:26.463]Gallop did a study and they found out,
[00:10:29.346]and this is a scary number,
[00:10:30.961]68 to 71% of us quit every day.
[00:10:37.515]We say quit our jobs,
[00:10:39.008]'cause we talk about corporate America.
[00:10:41.261]68 to 71% of people quit every day.
[00:10:44.898]I say the numbers are the same in life.
[00:10:48.994]So even if you don't go to a corporate job,
[00:10:51.515]when something happens, and it doesn't go your way,
[00:10:54.437]automatically we go to all or nothing.
[00:10:57.952]All being, it's really good and nothing being I'm done,
[00:11:01.864]I'm not gonna do this another day.
[00:11:04.316]So something happens at work and you don't agree with it,
[00:11:07.079]and you go home and you're like,
[00:11:08.420]I'm not going back there again.
[00:11:10.545]This is crap, I shouldn't have to deal with this,
[00:11:13.184]it's usually about another person or a new policy
[00:11:16.120]or I can't life-work balance, right?
[00:11:19.697]Have you had those thoughts?
[00:11:21.140]I don't wanna do it again.
[00:11:23.199]And then I don't know, I live in South Dakota,
[00:11:25.928]but I'm guessing in Nebraska you have those same things
[00:11:28.755]that we do in South Dakota, it's called a mailbox.
[00:11:31.696]Usually check it when you go home, right?
[00:11:34.203]And I don't know if you guys have this,
[00:11:36.033]'cause you're probably too young for it,
[00:11:37.637]but I have as an old person, it's called bills.
[00:11:41.355]And when I open that mailbox, those bills are there.
[00:11:44.596]There are things like mortgage, college,
[00:11:48.330]kids, all of those things are in that box.
[00:11:50.765]And all of a sudden, I go, you know what,
[00:11:52.416]I am going back tomorrow, 'cause I have to.
[00:11:54.909]Somebody's got to pay these bills, right?
[00:11:59.345]But here's the problem.
[00:12:00.969]We don't actually quit.
[00:12:03.374]We quit in our mind, and when we go back the next day,
[00:12:07.030]because we realize we have bills to pay,
[00:12:09.307]we don't sign back up.
[00:12:12.509]Any of you felt that way some days?
[00:12:15.342]Yeah.
[00:12:16.431]'Cause you go, I can't do this.
[00:12:17.981]Okay, I'll go back, but I'm not gonna put any energy there,
[00:12:21.802]because it's causing me pain,
[00:12:24.196]and all of my energy is wasted, okay.
[00:12:27.413]Now when we go back to work, we even take it a step further.
[00:12:30.927]We don't like to feel alone that we've quit all by ourself,
[00:12:34.336]so we like to gather others with us
[00:12:37.249]in our little quitting spaces.
[00:12:40.213]And we gather them by driving around and going toot toot,
[00:12:45.293]come be part of my club, and it's called BMWs.
[00:12:50.147]We drive BMWs after we've quit,
[00:12:52.548]because we want other people to join us
[00:12:54.221]and tell us how right we are,
[00:12:55.617]then we don't feel bad about quitting,
[00:12:57.702]'cause we're social people, we're social creatures.
[00:13:00.630]And BMW is Belly-aching, Moaning, and Whining.
[00:13:03.257]And on Friday night at five o'clock,
[00:13:05.398]I'll call the B word something else, very familiar with it,
[00:13:08.770]but professionally I choose not to say it.
[00:13:11.589]And we pull our BMWs up and we go come on,
[00:13:13.954]this is so wrong, we shouldn't have to tolerate this,
[00:13:18.045]have you met Sally?
[00:13:19.518]She's rude and stuck up.
[00:13:23.041]It's called negativity.
[00:13:25.123]And what it does is it eats away at any energy we have
[00:13:28.836]and it doesn't take it in a positive direction,
[00:13:30.886]because we start talking ourselves into,
[00:13:33.589]there's nothing we can do about it.
[00:13:35.874]So we're gonna stop trying.
[00:13:38.420]So in your mind you might be sitting there going,
[00:13:41.352]Lisa, this all sounds good, but, this all sounds good,
[00:13:44.549]but you don't know what it's like to be at my house,
[00:13:47.371]you don't know what it's like to be in my home.
[00:13:49.110]Oh, honey, seriously, we're all the same people
[00:13:52.974]with different addresses, I promise you.
[00:13:55.564]Just because I train this doesn't mean I don't fall
[00:13:58.005]into those same potholes.
[00:13:59.860]It's human behavior and it's okay,
[00:14:02.490]because now you're aware.
[00:14:04.091]And only with the awareness
[00:14:05.533]can you start making effective changes, okay.
[00:14:12.221]What if we get out of the negativity?
[00:14:14.002]What if we choose not to quit?
[00:14:16.140]What if we sign back up
[00:14:17.882]and we don't choose to say negative things,
[00:14:20.541]but we still hear the negative things?
[00:14:22.248]Does that take energy from you?
[00:14:25.737]This is where you guys respond.
[00:14:27.547]Does it take energy from you to be around that?
[00:14:30.488]It is draining.
[00:14:32.299]There are certain people you will be around,
[00:14:34.522]and you felt good, you will be laying by your spouse
[00:14:38.037]and you are going to meet with your great friends,
[00:14:41.462]and you love that man laying next to you,
[00:14:43.534]and by the time you get done with your girlfriends,
[00:14:46.337]you hate the fact that he breathes.
[00:14:48.679]And he has just been laying
[00:14:50.315]in the same position the whole time.
[00:14:52.144]He has not changed, you have.
[00:14:55.476]Your mindset has.
[00:14:57.888]Because that trip to your support group,
[00:15:01.148]these people that inspire you and talk you up
[00:15:04.230]is this one-upping of how bad my situation is
[00:15:07.880]compared to yours.
[00:15:09.602]And has to get worse, right.
[00:15:11.277]And you go home and you're like,
[00:15:12.436]"I hate my life, I really do."
[00:15:16.166]The reason I'm up here is because
[00:15:19.355]I'm suppose to give you hope.
[00:15:21.457]You'll hear my stories, you're like listen,
[00:15:23.106]if she gets up every day, I have hope,
[00:15:25.982]so let's just start there.
[00:15:28.425]We all do it.
[00:15:30.812]To be aware of it is where the change starts.
[00:15:33.881]So my job is to interrupt your thinking
[00:15:36.930]from where it was before by asking you questions.
[00:15:41.525]And when I interrupt that old thought,
[00:15:44.420]you can choose new thoughts.
[00:15:48.038]That's my job,
[00:15:50.035]only every day.
[00:15:52.186]Am I always successful at it?
[00:15:53.656]Usually with other people.
[00:15:54.754]In my own life not so much, I keep practicing, okay.
[00:15:58.408]Because I am never the teacher, I am always the student.
[00:16:04.179]Those things that come to you,
[00:16:06.581]that cause you pain and stress,
[00:16:08.502]your first thought before as why does somebody get up
[00:16:12.672]every day to ruin my life
[00:16:14.824]now goes to there's my teacher, thank you.
[00:16:20.015]Because you are now going to teach me every trigger
[00:16:22.778]I still need to work through, okay.
[00:16:26.095]So the bottom two, you either quit and then you BMW drive,
[00:16:30.532]you gather with other people that have quit.
[00:16:33.293]You can pick one of those two things
[00:16:35.147]or I can take you to a new place.
[00:16:37.012]I can change your results.
[00:16:40.548]I can change your life.
[00:16:42.957]But before I can do that,
[00:16:45.268]I have to change the way you see your life,
[00:16:49.324]because guess what.
[00:16:50.510]I have no control over your results, none whatsoever.
[00:16:56.224]That's a new thought.
[00:16:59.845]When I was younger,
[00:17:02.813]the reason my results weren't what I wanted them to be
[00:17:06.288]was because I looked to other people to determine
[00:17:09.154]how my life was gonna come out.
[00:17:13.645]My value was always outside, never here.
[00:17:17.605]So how much does that play a part in your life?
[00:17:20.761]And I wish somebody would've told me or given me hope
[00:17:23.546]and taught me that it's in here, it's not out there.
[00:17:28.436]So what we're gonna work on the next 30 minutes is going in.
[00:17:34.679]We call it you go first,
[00:17:36.984]meaning every time I look out,
[00:17:39.042]I go into personal accountability, and I go in,
[00:17:42.226]and I go, how do I want this to turn out?
[00:17:44.920]What do I need to do to change about the way I'm thinking
[00:17:47.854]to get a different result?
[00:17:49.583]If you look at your life situations where it has failed,
[00:17:53.594]what you were mostly see is you've responded
[00:17:56.118]exactly the same way every time.
[00:17:58.573]Because we keep looking out to the event to change
[00:18:02.121]for our result to change.
[00:18:04.983]What I'm here to tell you is your mindset,
[00:18:07.436]the way that that works, is in your mind
[00:18:10.170]when you realize you need to let that event go
[00:18:15.359]and realize you have no control over that,
[00:18:17.651]the only control you have is over the way
[00:18:20.098]you're responding to that event.
[00:18:22.778]Your life will start changing in a different direction
[00:18:25.460]and you'll start getting different results.
[00:18:27.778]That's what leaders do and that's where we start.
[00:18:30.927]So, we talked about disengagement.
[00:18:33.418]And that's what we're worried about in communities today,
[00:18:35.965]us just checking out.
[00:18:37.566]We're disengaged.
[00:18:38.670]It doesn't matter anymore.
[00:18:40.115]We've quit.
[00:18:41.148]We've quit our community, we've quit our job,
[00:18:42.966]we've quit our family, whatever it is,
[00:18:45.024]the all or nothing thinking,
[00:18:46.912]when we've disengaged and we've stopped caring,
[00:18:50.017]and we feel like we don't have an impact anymore,
[00:18:53.176]we're either quitting, or we're in the BMW driving mode.
[00:18:58.177]That causes us to disengage.
[00:19:00.408]Now we need to sign back up.
[00:19:02.448]So when I train corporations
[00:19:04.568]and I train leaders, we say this,
[00:19:08.711]"How many people do you believe have quit working
[00:19:12.136]"with you at your corporation?"
[00:19:14.047]All these managers will raise their hand,
[00:19:15.648]"Yeah, Lisa, help us.
[00:19:17.931]"Look at all these people that have quit.
[00:19:19.749]"How are we gonna solve this?"
[00:19:21.481]And then what we say to them is
[00:19:22.774]how many people have you fired and not told?
[00:19:27.787]Managers, how many people have you fired and not told?
[00:19:33.874]How many people in your mind did you check out
[00:19:36.627]and go nothing I do is gonna have an impact anyway,
[00:19:39.914]so I'm gonna stop trying.
[00:19:41.320]That's when you disengage with leadership.
[00:19:43.890]So what I'm telling you as people in a community,
[00:19:46.718]how do you sign back up?
[00:19:51.027]When we quit and we BMW drive, our third phase is
[00:19:54.131]we go into learned helplessness.
[00:19:56.007]And learned helplessness sounds like this.
[00:19:58.046]How many of you, show of hands,
[00:19:59.316]have been to the circus or the zoo?
[00:20:02.101]Okay, well you know that you'll see things differently
[00:20:03.783]now that I tell you this, if you haven't heard it before.
[00:20:05.933]But learned helplessness is this theory
[00:20:07.694]that goes back before 1970.
[00:20:11.242]Seligman's the one that investigated it.
[00:20:13.207]And what they did is they take these baby elephants
[00:20:15.278]out of the wild, and they're wild.
[00:20:17.640]They take them and they chain them to a tree,
[00:20:20.144]either around their foot, one of their legs,
[00:20:23.061]or around their neck with a chain.
[00:20:25.247]And that baby elephant just keeps going in a circle.
[00:20:28.019]But its natural response is to fight to get away,
[00:20:31.519]'cause it wants to run wild.
[00:20:33.841]Realistically it can't,
[00:20:35.093]it doesn't have the power to get away.
[00:20:37.912]So what that baby elephant does,
[00:20:39.500]they figure it takes about two weeks.
[00:20:42.525]Its mind gives up.
[00:20:43.935]It goes into learned helplessness
[00:20:45.279]and it believes no matter what I do to go away,
[00:20:48.061]I'm not gonna succeed,
[00:20:49.890]so I'm going to stop trying and surrender.
[00:20:52.826]Nothing I do is going to work.
[00:20:54.871]Then we see them in the circus with,
[00:20:58.682]it's always a little guy, a little guy with a little whip
[00:21:01.350]that that elephant, who's grown now,
[00:21:03.367]could probably stomp on it or just run away,
[00:21:06.015]but they don't, do they?
[00:21:07.973]Or you see them with a rope and stake in the ground.
[00:21:10.231]That baby elephant is not a baby anymore.
[00:21:13.373]But it is still chained to that tree in its mind.
[00:21:16.495]That's what learned helplessness is,
[00:21:18.486]believing you no longer have the power to make a difference.
[00:21:23.792]All of us have the power in every role that we play.
[00:21:28.237]The power of influence.
[00:21:29.959]When your mind stops seeking options,
[00:21:34.288]you give up and you think you don't have impact,
[00:21:37.376]so you don't start looking for solutions.
[00:21:40.580]Does that make sense?
[00:21:42.399]A lot of us go there, we say, "It's not gonna matter anyway,
[00:21:46.346]"so I'm going to disengage, I'm checking out."
[00:21:49.746]Remember when I said in your minds.
[00:21:52.430]You'll say, "Lisa, this all sounds good,
[00:21:54.646]"but you don't know what it's like to live where I live,
[00:21:56.887]"you don't know what it's like to do what I do,
[00:21:59.367]"to go to the corporations."
[00:22:00.658]And I'm gonna tell you this.
[00:22:02.175]I use the word but, every time you're thinking but,
[00:22:05.117]here's what I say.
[00:22:06.491]Butt is what you sit on
[00:22:09.009]to stop trying,
[00:22:11.005]to stop hoping,
[00:22:12.490]to stop leading, to stop looking for solutions,
[00:22:16.148]instead of seeing everything as a crisis and a problem.
[00:22:20.099]When we look at things that way, we go into shutdown mode.
[00:22:23.970]So when you're thinking but, look for another option.
[00:22:30.156]That's how you get out of learned helplessness.
[00:22:33.077]And that's basically what this says.
[00:22:35.931]Changing your mindset, this is where it all begins,
[00:22:39.570]because the event happens.
[00:22:41.331]You have no control over it happening, it already happened.
[00:22:45.605]Tomorrow's gonna be 80 degrees.
[00:22:47.105]Next week it'll probably be negative 10.
[00:22:50.209]We can sit and argue with that,
[00:22:52.369]but the last time I checked,
[00:22:53.817]none of you are chained to these chairs.
[00:22:58.714]And are you going to be able to change the weather?
[00:23:03.105]You trying to change somebody's behavior is the same thing.
[00:23:08.581]You don't have that power.
[00:23:11.069]So what we teach you is to use your power
[00:23:15.071]where you can be most effective.
[00:23:17.575]Do you?
[00:23:19.244]You go first.
[00:23:20.657]Focus on the part you play on it
[00:23:23.495]and what you can do to find a solution,
[00:23:25.942]instead of focusing on the event,
[00:23:27.910]the event is the past, it already happened.
[00:23:29.747]You can learn two things from that.
[00:23:32.843]You can learn from it and you can do better next time,
[00:23:36.613]it's the past.
[00:23:38.389]You being in where you're at right now in your mindset
[00:23:42.752]and what you can control is your response to the event,
[00:23:46.211]that's where your power begins.
[00:23:48.620]The event, no control; your response to it 100%.
[00:23:53.108]And here's what it looks like.
[00:23:54.694]Your event will go into a thought,
[00:23:58.920]and you'll think something about it.
[00:24:00.716]That thought will go into a feeling,
[00:24:03.844]your feeling will go into a behavior,
[00:24:07.037]and that's your result.
[00:24:09.173]You have no control over the event,
[00:24:11.758]you have 100% control over your response to it.
[00:24:15.881]You pick it only every time.
[00:24:19.080]That made you have 100% control over the response.
[00:24:24.181]When you are arguing with reality,
[00:24:26.854]he shouldn't be late, she shouldn't lie,
[00:24:29.789]this person shouldn't have pulled out in front of me,
[00:24:34.382]you are sitting in should and you're sitting in the event
[00:24:37.323]and you're arguing with reality.
[00:24:38.983]And you'll be wrong only 100% of the time.
[00:24:42.449]So here's my other catch phrase.
[00:24:44.017]When your mind is thinking should,
[00:24:46.969]you are shoulding all over yourself.
[00:24:49.150]I said should, HR, should.
[00:24:51.403](audience laughs)
[00:24:52.945]Little key words that help you remember these things.
[00:24:56.496]So when you are sitting in should,
[00:24:58.394]your business is in somebody else's world,
[00:25:01.657]get back in your business and get back in your lane
[00:25:04.304]and deal with the power that you have.
[00:25:07.159]Now, I'm going to introduce to you
[00:25:10.248]somebody that's actually young on our team, Alex,
[00:25:13.651]and he's gonna give you a story about how this works,
[00:25:18.447]how reality-based leadership changed his life,
[00:25:21.085]because it's been so recent,
[00:25:22.540]I could tell you a hundred stories.
[00:25:25.010]But his is truer and newer for now,
[00:25:27.886]so I invited him to join me on the stage
[00:25:30.283]or walk around, whatever you feel comfortable doing,
[00:25:33.308]Alex, and tell his story of change and how this works.
[00:25:36.810]Yeah, so I'm Alex, can you guys hear this?
[00:25:39.379]I'm the millennial that just messed up
[00:25:40.501]the poll everywhere as you saw, so,
[00:25:44.560]and this goes perfect.
[00:25:45.609]If you could go to the next slide.
[00:25:47.232]I wanted to talk today about how this changed my life
[00:25:50.349]and just real quickly, one of our principles
[00:25:52.953]with reality-based leadership is
[00:25:54.237]suffering's completely optional.
[00:25:55.948]Now you guys saw me over there, that was suffering.
[00:25:59.545]That's suffering.
[00:26:01.318]And how do I know that?
[00:26:02.760]I actually love hiking
[00:26:04.139]and this last summer I got to go to Spain.
[00:26:06.529]And we're in the mountains, and we're gonna go hiking,
[00:26:08.571]and I, you know, it was stressed,
[00:26:10.548]it was actually with my wife's family,
[00:26:12.109]so I was meeting them and I don't quite speak Spanish
[00:26:14.278]and so, you know, it's very stressful the whole time.
[00:26:17.012]But we got a day that freed all up,
[00:26:19.125]and so we're gonna go hiking.
[00:26:20.611]Perfect day, no clouds, everything's amazing,
[00:26:23.351]so we find a nice trail, let's say this is it.
[00:26:25.979]So we're running, we're in love,
[00:26:27.783]everything's just beautiful,
[00:26:29.581]and I see something squiggly in the path.
[00:26:33.081]You guys are already suffering.
[00:26:34.993]You say, "Oh my God, it's a snake."
[00:26:37.064]I look at my wife, I say, "If that thing bites me,
[00:26:38.857]"are you gonna suck the venom out or am I?
[00:26:41.463]"Do I need to grab like this tree limb
[00:26:43.733]"and wrap it around so it doesn't spread to my heart?
[00:26:45.673]"Do we need to go to the hospital in Spain?
[00:26:47.261]"Does my insurance cover that?
[00:26:48.688]"I mean, do they even let me pay for that in euros, dollars,
[00:26:52.202]"am I covered for a snakebite?
[00:26:54.351]"I guess I didn't check the forms very well."
[00:26:56.112]And all of my peace just went to misery.
[00:27:00.377]We get up a little closer, I was frozen,
[00:27:02.346]because I was suffering so much.
[00:27:03.375]We finally get the courage to step forward,
[00:27:05.243]we realize it's just a rope.
[00:27:09.582]What caused my suffering?
[00:27:11.528]The rope or my thoughts about the rope?
[00:27:15.905]Or the story I made up about what would happen?
[00:27:19.144]It was the story.
[00:27:20.795]And so over here, same thing happened,
[00:27:22.384]the rope was the poll everywhere wasn't working,
[00:27:25.095]that's what I know for sure.
[00:27:26.695]The story I was making up that I'm ruining Lisa's speech
[00:27:29.059]and everybody's looking at me as the millennial
[00:27:30.555]that can't do this, that was the suffering.
[00:27:32.775]How many times that work and life
[00:27:34.230]do we turn ropes into snakes?
[00:27:38.259]Simple things happen, the story gets us frustrated.
[00:27:41.627]And so suffering's completely optional.
[00:27:43.409]So that's a little mindset shift
[00:27:45.329]that really opened up my thinking to this philosophy
[00:27:48.094]to the power I could have.
[00:27:50.068]Another one was with change.
[00:27:51.995]Change always scares us.
[00:27:53.723]It scares us that we go on a resistent right away,
[00:27:56.029]things are changing quickly.
[00:27:57.270]With our philosophy, someone told me
[00:27:58.982]just change that word change just put next in there.
[00:28:02.030]There's too much next going on.
[00:28:03.964]I'm not ready for more next.
[00:28:06.467]It totally changed the way you're thinking about
[00:28:08.581]how fast change is happening.
[00:28:10.623]Do it for a few hours or a few months.
[00:28:13.843]Switch the word change with next.
[00:28:15.902]So it's a mindset shift.
[00:28:17.286]I also, the power of reframing is another mindset shift
[00:28:20.675]that changed everything for me.
[00:28:22.258]Don't hope to see your circumstances differently,
[00:28:24.983]hope to see those, or don't hope to see different,
[00:28:28.418]don't hope for different circumstances,
[00:28:29.985]hope to see them differently.
[00:28:31.382]It's a huge mindset shift.
[00:28:33.437]And then when you are changing mindsets,
[00:28:35.045]step into the power you already have.
[00:28:37.176]If you are a leader and you walk into a group
[00:28:40.041]of managers that are saying how something can't get done
[00:28:43.194]and you walk in and just say, "What do we know for sure?
[00:28:46.258]"What's our rope?
[00:28:47.168]"And what could we do to add value?
[00:28:48.988]"How can we get there?"
[00:28:50.205]Right there you are the leader,
[00:28:51.934]even though your title doesn't say it,
[00:28:53.261]'cause you've changed the direction of the energy,
[00:28:55.333]talking about how we could, not why we can't.
[00:28:58.106]And so those are just a few things
[00:28:59.310]that really helped me realize
[00:29:00.733]that suffering's completely optional.
[00:29:02.173]The power of our mindset, our mindset and the impact
[00:29:05.073]of our thinking and so like you guys, Lisa,
[00:29:07.835]I just wanted to tell that quick.
[00:29:09.128]We talk about stories we're gonna tell,
[00:29:10.859]and whenever we give each other assignment
[00:29:14.396]of telling a story, we're like,
[00:29:15.769]well I don't have a story about that.
[00:29:17.180]But honestly, there are stories that appear
[00:29:19.429]in front of us all the time.
[00:29:21.157]And there's been times, my pearls have been,
[00:29:24.742]they fall off when I'm presenting.
[00:29:26.644]PowerPoints don't go right.
[00:29:28.866]But as a leader,
[00:29:31.082]all of you look to me to go, "Should we be nervous?
[00:29:34.028]"Should we be scared of how,
[00:29:35.143]"is this all gonna suck right now
[00:29:36.867]"because the PowerPoint didn't work?"
[00:29:39.757]No.
[00:29:40.590]And if I freak out, you're gonna freak out.
[00:29:42.463]That's everybody, eyes are on you.
[00:29:45.724]The power of influence is everywhere.
[00:29:50.305]It's everywhere, and it's only in front of us all the time.
[00:29:54.626]Things are gonna go different.
[00:29:56.833]When we go into negative mindset
[00:29:59.752]and when we start reacting differently
[00:30:03.108]is when we're believing something that's not true.
[00:30:05.981]We're afraid, we're fearing something.
[00:30:09.949]What I wanna give you goes perfect
[00:30:12.325]with Alex's story is about the rope.
[00:30:14.665]You see it as a snake.
[00:30:16.699]It's a rope.
[00:30:18.818]Let go of the rope.
[00:30:20.915]More of my situations have turned out positive
[00:30:24.054]when my response to the event used to be negative
[00:30:28.418]and I think two things.
[00:30:30.170]One, let go of the rope.
[00:30:31.908]What would happen, Lisa, if you let go of the rope?
[00:30:34.717]And then all of a sudden, it leaves me.
[00:30:36.992]'Cause I don't have the need to control something I can't,
[00:30:40.185]I controlled what I could, my response to it.
[00:30:43.571]That's been very helpful.
[00:30:45.076]The other thing when I started training with Cy,
[00:30:47.633]she taught me coaching, because good leaders are coaches.
[00:30:53.098]You ask questions instead of giving answers.
[00:30:56.449]You ask twice as many questions as you give answers.
[00:30:59.608]So she taught me how to coach by picking me up
[00:31:01.793]at my house one day and we had a six-hour drive
[00:31:04.420]which we do quite a bit as speakers,
[00:31:06.760]you just get in your car and you start driving.
[00:31:09.094]So she picked me up from my house and she said,
[00:31:10.831]"Lisa, I can feel there's a lot of tension here.
[00:31:13.389]"What's going on?"
[00:31:14.388]I said, "Cy, I learned a long time ago,
[00:31:16.015]"'cause I was in banking,
[00:31:17.231]"you leave your personal life at home,
[00:31:20.573]"and we're working now, and so,
[00:31:22.483]"I'm not gonna bring that into this car."
[00:31:24.109]She said, "You already did, I can feel it.
[00:31:26.703]"So I'm gonna teach you how to coach.
[00:31:28.225]"So tell me the situation."
[00:31:29.978]So I told her the situation, and she said,
[00:31:31.498]"Would you rather be right or happy?"
[00:31:33.943]I'm like, this is coaching?
[00:31:35.285]I got this.
[00:31:36.296]I'd rather be right, because it makes me happy.
[00:31:37.970]Next question.
[00:31:38.966](audience laughs)
[00:31:40.914]She said, "It's a good thing we got six hours,
[00:31:43.162]"'cause you're a mess, and we're gonna need all six."
[00:31:47.048]And I said it with every part of righteousness in my body
[00:31:50.379]just going, "Yeah, that's the answer, next."
[00:31:54.473]So my question when I'm in coaching mode,
[00:31:57.782]and I'm not talking about coaching other people,
[00:31:59.689]I'm talking about coaching me,
[00:32:01.465]because personal accountability is I go first.
[00:32:04.626]I cannot possibly help you if I don't clean up my own stuff.
[00:32:09.150]I just keep having to clean it
[00:32:12.300]only every day, that's reality.
[00:32:14.980]So my second response is when you are triggered
[00:32:18.696]by an event that you can't control, ask yourself,
[00:32:26.616]I could be wrong, could I be wrong?
[00:32:29.293]Or turn it around, they could be right.
[00:32:31.784]So now whenever I'm presented with something
[00:32:34.681]I don't agree with, my first thought is, you could be right.
[00:32:38.228]The old me added, you could be wrong,
[00:32:40.940]but you also could be right.
[00:32:43.314]You could be right.
[00:32:44.833]You're letting go of the need to be right,
[00:32:47.410]because when we're right, what I found out,
[00:32:50.665]would you rather be right or happy,
[00:32:52.189]when I had to be right all the time,
[00:32:55.602]if I have to be right all the time, what does that make you?
[00:32:59.481]Wrong.
[00:33:00.684]People get tired of being wrong.
[00:33:02.324]And if I'm right and you're wrong,
[00:33:04.799]defense is the first act of war, and guess what guys.
[00:33:07.164]Now it's on, us and them.
[00:33:10.117]There's the line and I just drew it, I picked it,
[00:33:13.403]I can change my thought at any point
[00:33:17.170]to change the results if I focus on the right thing,
[00:33:21.264]which is going first, working on me being accountable
[00:33:26.049]by asking myself questions.
[00:33:28.354]So if you wanna change behavior
[00:33:30.684]and make that change effective,
[00:33:32.889]ask yourself a question.
[00:33:35.867]Asking yourself a questions interrupts the thought.
[00:33:39.688]And that's where I go,
[00:33:42.338]Can I drop the rope?
[00:33:43.794]What can I do to help?
[00:33:46.160]How can I add value to the situation?
[00:33:49.533]Go to responses.
[00:33:51.274]Does that help?
[00:33:53.046]First we teach reality-based thinking,
[00:33:55.400]changing the way you see your situation.
[00:33:57.935]I cannot change your results,
[00:34:00.174]I can change the way you see your circumstances.
[00:34:03.162]It is up to you to change your results
[00:34:05.544]by changing your response to the event.
[00:34:09.213]We also drive for the results.
[00:34:11.828]But the main core of what we teach
[00:34:14.565]in reality-based leadership is being personally accountable
[00:34:18.158]to your behavior.
[00:34:20.637]And I want you to think about leaders,
[00:34:23.540]somebody that's inspired you.
[00:34:25.982]I can get up here and tell you all of these great stories,
[00:34:29.480]but unless I put them into action and I live them,
[00:34:34.488]you don't look at other people as leaders,
[00:34:36.712]so it's about doing, not just talking the talk,
[00:34:40.523]but putting it into actions.
[00:34:42.759]What do you do?
[00:34:44.365]How do you show up as a leader?
[00:34:47.490]And change is a part of that, what we teach about change.
[00:34:50.540]Instead of seeing change as an obstacle and as a problem,
[00:34:55.229]you look at change as opportunity.
[00:34:58.880]It's an opportunity for you to grow.
[00:35:02.429]That situation just arrived in my PowerPoint.
[00:35:06.918]I was like, oh, I thought it was gonna go this way,
[00:35:09.269]guess what, it changed.
[00:35:13.410]It was all right here.
[00:35:15.397]I decided what I was gonna do with it.
[00:35:17.538]I decided the direction it was gonna go.
[00:35:19.661]The minute you are blaming somebody else
[00:35:22.312]for something changing,
[00:35:24.300]the minute you are judging somebody else's behavior,
[00:35:28.050]and looking out instead of looking in,
[00:35:30.302]you are going further away from personal accountability
[00:35:33.587]and you're going away from the direction of being a leader
[00:35:37.101]and inspiring other people,
[00:35:38.660]'cause they're looking at what you do,
[00:35:40.680]not what you say when change happens.
[00:35:43.899]So capitalizing on change, change is a good thing.
[00:35:46.452]We argue with, it shouldn't be changing,
[00:35:48.982]but in reality, change is constant,
[00:35:51.155]it is happening all the time.
[00:35:54.267]And lining up with your organization.
[00:35:56.568]So the focus on everything we teach
[00:35:59.134]in reality-based leadership
[00:36:00.889]is about personal accountability.
[00:36:02.565]When I signed up to start teaching this,
[00:36:06.021]I worked at a bank and Cy came
[00:36:08.000]and did a presentation for us,
[00:36:10.434]and I thought, oh my gosh, where was she 20 years ago?
[00:36:13.387]And I started working with her.
[00:36:14.929]I thought this was gonna be a work thing.
[00:36:16.846]I'm gonna learn how to be a leader at work.
[00:36:19.882]This is amazing stuff.
[00:36:22.789]Here's what I didn't know.
[00:36:23.791]It was a lifestyle change.
[00:36:26.371]Everything I saw differently,
[00:36:29.315]I changed the way I thought,
[00:36:31.323]and all of a sudden, I started getting results.
[00:36:34.932]My results, the ones I picked,
[00:36:36.682]even when they didn't turn out,
[00:36:38.689]when you're personally accountable.
[00:36:40.470]It's okay even when you fail,
[00:36:43.322]'cause you go, I'm human, I messed up,
[00:36:46.463]and I can do it different tomorrow.
[00:36:54.976]When you are in judgment, you are looking out.
[00:36:57.771]When you are judging another human being,
[00:37:01.045]you're not leading anymore, you're no longer leading.
[00:37:04.065]You're no longer serving, and you're no longer adding value.
[00:37:08.517]So if I am sitting back in judgment and blaming you,
[00:37:13.248]drawing conclusions from your behavior, judging you,
[00:37:17.437]I can no longer help you, I can no longer lead you,
[00:37:21.397]and I can no longer add value.
[00:37:23.351]And there's no third option.
[00:37:25.073]You're either in one column or the other.
[00:37:28.499]And that's what I'm triggered by judgment,
[00:37:30.933]I realize I need to get back in my lane and work on me
[00:37:34.923]and stop arguing with reality.
[00:37:36.877]That person shouldn't be that way.
[00:37:39.211]I have enough to deal with just doing me
[00:37:42.430]and taking care of my stuff.
[00:37:44.585]And that's when you start coaching.
[00:37:46.634]So leadership and coaching work hand in hand.
[00:37:50.885]You go first, you coach yourself first.
[00:37:54.123]And here's what I know for sure.
[00:37:58.522]Whether you believe it possible or impossible,
[00:38:02.072]you will make that true.
[00:38:05.025]You decide how it's gonna go.
[00:38:06.866]So tomorrow morning when you roll out of bed,
[00:38:08.845]your first thought, you will determine
[00:38:11.392]the results of that day.
[00:38:14.607]And I don't polish this part.
[00:38:17.132]If I got out of bed today,
[00:38:19.078]and I did a training yesterday I didn't expect to do,
[00:38:22.089]and I'm beat feeting it to get here,
[00:38:24.229]and I'm thinking, this day's gonna suck,
[00:38:25.581]this day's gonna suck, I promise you,
[00:38:27.241]everything that came in my way looked like an obstacle.
[00:38:33.947]Everything that came in my way since I've learned
[00:38:36.597]personal accountability and I choose happiness,
[00:38:40.271]I choose hope, I choose to inspire, it is a choice.
[00:38:44.352]When I rolled out of bed today,
[00:38:46.474]realizing what was in store for me,
[00:38:48.747]I go, I cannot wait, I cannot wait,
[00:38:51.465]because this is what I do for a living,
[00:38:53.218]and I'm so lucky to do it.
[00:38:54.887]Everything didn't come that way.
[00:38:58.076]I decided what it looked like
[00:38:59.922]every time it popped up in front of me.
[00:39:02.309]Those triggers are within you.
[00:39:04.755]If you choose to see them differently,
[00:39:07.824]your results will be different.
[00:39:10.471]Personal accountability and happiness rise and fall
[00:39:13.122]at the same pace.
[00:39:14.444]You wanna be happy, you picked to be happy,
[00:39:16.611]it's your first thought when you get out of bed every day.
[00:39:21.785]So my last question to you is
[00:39:25.423]did I make you better than when I got here?
[00:39:31.971]That's where I want you to walk into every situation.
[00:39:35.213]You feel like it's gonna go bad,
[00:39:36.667]you think, am I gonna make this better
[00:39:40.503]than before I got here?
[00:39:42.058]That's the power of influence you have, thank you.
[00:39:44.969](audience applauds)

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CYN Summit | Reality-Based Change

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