The Art of Becoming a Better Mentor and Mentee - Framework a Mentoring Relationship

Donna Dean and Cynthia Simpson Author

10/17/2016 Added

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Part of workshop on mentoring lead by Donna Dean, executive consultant for Association for Women in Science (AWIS) and retired senior federal executive for the National Institutes of Health, and Cynthia Simpson, the chief business development officer for AWIS. The workshop was tailored to a community of both women and men and faculty, staff and students.

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[00:00:00.241]Okay, so let me bring this home.
[00:00:03.254]I like baseball analogies, particularly Yogi Berra's.
[00:00:06.276]You've got, you have to have a plan.
[00:00:07.851]It doesn't have to be written out step by step by step
[00:00:10.758]or a recipe, but you do kinda have a vision,
[00:00:13.987]you and your mentee do have to have a vision
[00:00:16.803]of sort of where you think you want to go.
[00:00:19.135]Doesn't mean you can't constantly change,
[00:00:21.412]but you do want to have a sense of what you're aimed at.
[00:00:23.881]So you can assess your progress to that.
[00:00:27.750]If I had to boil down this three hour workshop
[00:00:30.470]into one slide, this is, these are really the nuts and bolts
[00:00:34.301]of your mentoring experiences, whether you're a mentor
[00:00:37.296]or a mentee, why, what's the purpose?
[00:00:41.578]Why are we doing this?
[00:00:44.207]What are we mentoring about, what are the goals,
[00:00:47.138]the outcomes, how, what's our plan?
[00:00:49.721]You know, there's no one way to do it.
[00:00:52.133]And when, just some very, so just remember that.
[00:00:56.077]What else do you need to know?
[00:00:57.516]Well there's probably a whole lot you need to know.
[00:01:00.065]But you can just use this as a kick off, as a start,
[00:01:04.705]for you to begin to do other things.
[00:01:07.280]The next slide just basically says be a decent person.
[00:01:10.981]Build an atmosphere of trust, one of you,
[00:01:14.356]several of you talked about that earlier that
[00:01:17.083]trust in a mentoring relationship is really, really
[00:01:19.254]important, and just remember even if our mentees
[00:01:23.866]are stumbling all over their feet and making what we think
[00:01:26.573]are not very smart decisions and floundering
[00:01:29.252]and doing all those sorts of things,
[00:01:31.658]still treat them with respect and help them
[00:01:34.292]sort of continue on their way.
[00:01:36.907]But very, just human values, those are human values.
[00:01:40.203]You have in your packet good questions to ask
[00:01:44.027]when you're considering saying yes.
[00:01:46.816]The red is what goes on in your head.
[00:01:49.649]You know, you don't say that out loud.
[00:01:51.295]But it helps you sort of think through in the mentoring
[00:01:55.150]context, you know, what are the, you know,
[00:01:57.405]if you apply those to mentoring,
[00:01:59.287]just sort of work through those.
[00:02:01.831]You can also use them in why if questions,
[00:02:04.234]you can use them, you know, in faculty workshops.
[00:02:09.502]We use it a lot in a lot of different work shops,
[00:02:12.793]because they're very powerful questions,
[00:02:14.649]particularly number five, if you're choosing to do something
[00:02:19.954]there are other things you can't do.
[00:02:22.105]But choosing to go to Philadelphia
[00:02:23.604]and then come straight to here and do this,
[00:02:26.063]I will have been away from home in West Virginia
[00:02:29.170]for a week, my husband is deliriously happy
[00:02:32.771]that I'm gone, but I've said no to spending a week
[00:02:35.681]at home with him and more importantly with the cats.
[00:02:39.533]But knowing that sometimes helps you decide,
[00:02:42.076]particularly if you have family obligations,
[00:02:44.783]student obligations, if I'm doing this,
[00:02:47.810]then i can't do that, which means you can't do 100%,
[00:02:51.293]you can't give 300%, you can only give 100%.
[00:02:55.063]And then sometimes we can help people learn to say yes
[00:03:00.250]by saying, I'm sorry Cindy, I can't go to Nebraska with you
[00:03:04.198]to give workshops, but I can help you work on
[00:03:07.494]your PowerPoints, or I'll be happy to brainstorm
[00:03:09.747]with a couple of phone calls on your PowerPoints.
[00:03:12.408]That's very powerful, too.
[00:03:15.356]You've heard these before.
[00:03:17.156]Teaching our mentees and ourselves how to handle criticism.
[00:03:20.567]I used to tell all the people that worked for me,
[00:03:23.174]I would like to think in many ways I kind of have
[00:03:25.859]a bit of a mentoring relationship with them,
[00:03:29.675]that my criticism is affectionate,
[00:03:32.714]it's not mean criticism, it's affectionate criticism,
[00:03:36.520]because I want you to do better.
[00:03:39.650]I'm much better at giving affectionate criticism
[00:03:42.406]than I am receiving it, and again, continue,
[00:03:46.300]try to look at things from the other perspective
[00:03:48.634]to the extent that you can.
[00:03:50.777]Know what your basic nature is.
[00:03:52.680]Are you basically an optimist or a pessimist?
[00:03:55.245]I'm basically an optimist, but as I've always said,
[00:03:58.350]Cindy knows I said I eat a lot of meals,
[00:04:01.239]I take a lot of coffee breaks,
[00:04:02.460]and sometimes I stay overnight in the Pessimists Club.
[00:04:05.278]Just kind of knowing your basic outlook on life.
[00:04:08.242]It helps people sometimes understand and interpret
[00:04:10.529]how you say things.
[00:04:12.116]You want to keep your expectations of yourself realistic
[00:04:15.774]as well as the expectations you have of your mentee.
[00:04:19.416]Try not to overload yourself or them with expectations.
[00:04:25.747]And if you think about your mentee,
[00:04:28.354]what you're trying to do is help,
[00:04:30.621]the sailboat is your mentee, and their skills
[00:04:33.175]and their abilities, 'cause you're trying to help them
[00:04:35.930]figure out where they can take their skills
[00:04:38.073]and their abilities as they move on
[00:04:41.185]in their career and their life.
[00:04:43.569]Yesterday afternoon, I got, I just totally broke up,
[00:04:46.158]because one of the participants in the workshop said
[00:04:48.276]I get it, the Nebraska analogy is
[00:04:50.421]same tractor, different field.
[00:04:54.097]So I thought that was kind of, but the point is that
[00:04:56.656]whatever you know can go in different places,
[00:04:59.888]and they have to be the, you know, the right places
[00:05:02.332]for that person, and we all play all these roles
[00:05:05.985]in our life, plus it gives me a chance to show
[00:05:08.090]some more cute dog pictures.
[00:05:09.955]Sometimes in our lives, we watch things happen.
[00:05:13.597]Sometimes we're the ones that make thing happen, good or bad
[00:05:16.743]and sometimes we wonder what happened,
[00:05:19.143]but as long as we're analytical about each of those,
[00:05:22.199]and use it to improve our mentoring efforts,
[00:05:25.872]then I think we're gonna be pretty good.
[00:05:27.740]And I think, we're not gonna have the group discussion.
[00:05:31.074]It's 12 o'clock, it's time to go,
[00:05:32.507]but this is what, sort of the type of way
[00:05:34.263]that you sort of ponder how you, things you might
[00:05:38.325]think about doing differently from the things
[00:05:41.970]that you've learned today and I think we are done,
[00:05:45.548]and we have questions, and that's us.
[00:05:48.473]Thank you for your participation.
[00:05:51.527](audience claps)
[00:05:52.360]Thank you very much.
[00:05:53.193]So sometimes, so if the student can explain
[00:05:56.090]what's not working for them, I guess that the student,
[00:06:01.804]I've realized that if it's a professor and a student,
[00:06:04.283]it's a power, you've already got the power.
[00:06:07.738]And if you as the mentor, the professor,
[00:06:12.718]can't, cannot draw out of the student
[00:06:15.571]what you think they need, okay, that there's that part,
[00:06:19.342]I mean, your role, if you can, is to sort of create
[00:06:22.147]an environment and encouraging thing
[00:06:24.054]I need to hear this from you.
[00:06:25.984]The student, despite the power difference,
[00:06:29.896]the student should be able to say well,
[00:06:33.412]to say to you with respect that,
[00:06:38.472]I don't really understand this,
[00:06:41.027]or I'm not really sure this is working,
[00:06:44.213]in the same way they should be able to frame the question
[00:06:46.671]about that the way they should frame a question
[00:06:50.663]if you're giving a lecture and they don't understand
[00:06:52.555]the content, that they should be able to,
[00:06:55.840]if they can't frame it to that
[00:06:58.885]then the student probably has some responsibility
[00:07:03.596]to maybe find someone else who can give that to them.
[00:07:10.809](audience member speaks)
[00:07:19.574]Yeah.
[00:07:24.137]Right.
[00:07:29.345]Yeah, and sometimes just being the straight forward
[00:07:32.651]you know, your style, and your style, my style.
[00:07:48.908]That's exactly right, and that's where as mentors,
[00:07:52.041]we should be willing to receive that affectionate criticism
[00:07:55.628]which is what it is to say, Donna it really doesn't help me
[00:08:00.020]when you interact with me this way,
[00:08:02.332]or when you give me this, I'm not getting what I need
[00:08:05.103]from you, then hopefully I'm hearing,
[00:08:09.055]and I could say, well, how can we change it up?
[00:08:11.861]I mean, I do tend to be quite a pushover about,
[00:08:15.545]and sometimes it's something I can't give,
[00:08:18.258]so I can say, maybe I can help you find someone else
[00:08:21.803]that can help with that.
[00:08:23.151]The problem comes when the student is saying that
[00:08:28.902]to the advisor in the power, the PhD advisor,
[00:08:32.418]the master's advisor and the advisor doesn't wanna hear it
[00:08:35.848]or is incapable of hearing it, or is incapable
[00:08:38.701]of receiving it, in that case, then the student
[00:08:43.126]gets put in a very awkward place,
[00:08:44.931]and that is where maybe in departments or other places
[00:08:49.399]other people kind of have to watch out for the students
[00:08:53.836]and figure out ways to help the students get what they need.
[00:08:57.889]I've had in my crew wonderful scientific mentors
[00:09:02.421]for my PhD and my post-op work.
[00:09:04.910]Wonderful mentors from the content of the science.
[00:09:08.255]But these two guys were totally clueless
[00:09:10.211]about what I was facing as a woman in science
[00:09:12.996]or how they could help me with my career aspirations.
[00:09:17.247]And I couldn't even have that conversation with them.
[00:09:19.694]They were decent people, but I would try to have
[00:09:21.889]the conversation with them, and it just didn't connect.
[00:09:26.659]They didn't understand, so I kind of, I floundered
[00:09:30.286]basically until I found my way, Cindy.
[00:09:33.620]I would say just another suggestion
[00:09:36.011]is when you're outlining those goals and objectives
[00:09:38.549]as we mentioned the measurement of success,
[00:09:41.983]in referencing back those metrics that have been
[00:09:44.705]established and then using that as an opening
[00:09:47.870]for that conversation so if the person were to say,
[00:09:51.882]you know, I really, I need more feedback,
[00:09:55.144]I'm okay here, this is how I'm measuring success,
[00:09:59.444]this is what we agreed upon,
[00:10:01.326]and the lack of feedback and interaction
[00:10:03.837]is really affecting our ability to be successful
[00:10:07.850]in this relationship, so using those measurements
[00:10:11.756]and those metrics and referring back to those
[00:10:14.374]as part of the process would be another idea.
[00:10:21.804]Alright?
[00:10:24.092]Oh assertive versus directive,
[00:10:25.865]thank you very much, thank you for being assertive
[00:10:28.268]and directive, you had the question about
[00:10:31.324]assertive and directive, did we address it in any way
[00:10:36.753]that was a little more helpful than it was
[00:10:38.653]two and a half hours ago?
[00:10:42.788]Do you have an example, or in what context?
[00:10:46.337]You're looking for examples, so.
[00:10:49.749]So, so if you have a responsibility for people
[00:10:55.406]that have to do stuff, you know,
[00:10:58.065]deadlines, classes, whatever, I had people that,
[00:11:02.384]okay the people that worked for me did grant reviews,
[00:11:05.749]and they manage, and they had deadlines
[00:11:07.504]that they were supposed to write up their summary statements
[00:11:09.570]of the grant reviews.
[00:11:11.912]Most of my people I could be assertive to,
[00:11:14.575]and say you must get these done within 30 days,
[00:11:19.902]because that's what the National Institutes of Health
[00:11:22.232]requires of you, they must be uploaded
[00:11:24.490]into the master database within 30 days of the conclusion
[00:11:28.524]of your study section meeting, now that to me
[00:11:30.656]was being assertive, clear directive framing it.
[00:11:34.680]I had several people, couldn't make deadlines.
[00:11:38.706]So I had to be directive.
[00:11:40.581]I had to tell them what to do.
[00:11:43.029]At the end of the first week after your study
[00:11:45.593]section meeting, you will schedule a meeting
[00:11:47.771]with my administrative assistant,
[00:11:49.457]back when we had administrative assistants,
[00:11:52.044]you will schedule a 10 minute meeting with me
[00:11:54.071]to report on your progress.
[00:11:56.813]And so that to me was being directive.
[00:11:58.617]In other words I was telling them how, how to do it.
[00:12:02.931]But I had to in some cases, because otherwise,
[00:12:05.286]they couldn't get it done, and I mean.
[00:12:10.083]Another add on would be assertive is done and alluded
[00:12:13.845]and mentioned where you're providing someone
[00:12:17.943]with the ability to be successful,
[00:12:20.218]but they're figuring that path out on their own.
[00:12:23.177]Versus directive where you come across people
[00:12:26.526]at times, who, they're just, for whatever reason,
[00:12:29.285]they don't know how to get from one step to another,
[00:12:32.456]so you have to provide them with more assistance
[00:12:35.758]and a stronger frame of reference and context
[00:12:38.970]so that they can be successful.
[00:12:41.246]And requires more checkpoints too along the way
[00:12:43.541]to make sure that they're on that right path.
[00:12:45.782]So assertive, you're showing, you're telling,
[00:12:49.491]but you're not directing them on how to do it.
[00:12:52.960]Where as directive, you're providing more assistance
[00:12:56.210]and more hand holding, does that help to explain?
[00:12:59.651]Okay.
[00:13:01.568]Sure.
[00:13:03.802]I have a question that is how to deliver your statement.
[00:13:07.839](indistinct speech)
[00:13:14.268]That's true, that's true.
[00:13:22.309]Right, you're absolutely right, you're absolutely right.
[00:13:24.126]You will come back after your coffee break.
[00:13:27.201]You will come back after the coffee break,
[00:13:29.425]so yeah, that's again the tone.
[00:13:31.328]And as it relates to communications
[00:13:32.822]that's part of that, you know, the voice and the inflection
[00:13:35.497]and all that we talked about earlier this morning.
[00:13:38.947]And I think in the higher education institutions
[00:13:42.049]because, there are teaching and research institutions
[00:13:46.452]as opposed to working in government or working in industry,
[00:13:50.917]where they're work places, there is this interesting
[00:13:55.149]and energizing mix of having to teach people,
[00:13:58.622]have students learn, but then also have all of the mentoring
[00:14:02.791]roles and I think the boundaries are appropriately fuzzier
[00:14:07.773]because that is the nature of higher education
[00:14:10.358]and being a learning organization and institution,
[00:14:14.437]certainly as far a pedagogical, content knowledge
[00:14:18.845]that you're transferring, so.
[00:14:22.580]Alright, thank you all very much.
[00:14:23.659]Thank you for staying!
[00:14:24.492]We appreciate it. Appreciate it.
[00:14:25.325]Thank you. Thank you.

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The Art of Becoming a Better Mentor and Mentee - Framework a Mentoring Relationship

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