Hixson-Lied Visiting Artist: Ella Weber
Mike Kamm
Author
02/18/2025
Added
4
Plays
Description
Weber, a University of Nebraska–Lincoln alumna, is a basement-based artist who uses humor, performance and storytelling within her practice. Her debut novel, “The Deli Diaries,” is published with Latah Books. Playfully upending the existential fabrics of daily life, Weber transforms her minimum-wage day jobs into her studio. Across the counter and screen, Weber blurs the line between employee and customer, performance and reality, art and life.
The School of Art, Art History & Design’s Hixson-Lied Visiting Artist & Scholar Lecture Series brings notable artists, scholars and designers to Nebraska each semester to enhance the education of students. The series is presented in collaboration with Sheldon Museum of Art.
https://arts.unl.edu/art/news/hixson-lied-visiting-artist-series-continues-feb-13
Recorded 2/13/25
Searchable Transcript
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- [00:00:00.000]Thank you all for being here tonight. I'd like to thank the Hickson-Leed Foundation
- [00:00:07.000]for their support of our visiting artist tonight, Ella Weber. Hailing from Nebraska and a true
- [00:00:14.840]Husker football fan, Ella Weber received her BFA in printmaking from UNL in 2010. She went
- [00:00:21.840]on to earn her MFA with distinction from the University of Kansas in 2015. Since then,
- [00:00:28.080]she has attended many residencies, including Mass MoCA, the NARS Foundation, Gentile, Kimmel
- [00:00:33.920]Harding Nelson, Rogers Art Loft, Munson-Oxbow School of Art, and Anderson Ranch, amongst
- [00:00:40.360]others. Ella has exhibited widely in group exhibitions at the IPCNY, which is the print
- [00:00:47.360]center there in New York City, the Everson Museum in Syracuse, New York, the NARS Foundation
- [00:00:56.160]and recent solo shows include exhibitions at the Munson in Utica, New York, Radial Gallery
- [00:01:03.160]in Dayton in Ohio, Union for Contemporary Art in Omaha, and her most recent exhibition
- [00:01:09.120]titled Lazy Love was presented at the Western Exhibitions in Chicago, Illinois. Ella is
- [00:01:15.720]currently on a book tour of her debut novel, The Deli Diaries, and it's a real honor to
- [00:01:21.660]have you here tonight, Ella. So please join me in welcoming Ella Weber.
- [00:01:24.240]Ella Weber: Hello, everyone. I'm Ella Weber, and I'm the director of the New York City
- [00:01:25.240]Library.
- [00:01:26.240]All right. Can everyone hear me? All right. So my name is Ella Weber. Thank you so much
- [00:01:39.400]for being here. Unfortunately, my name makes these rather gross initials. Ew. Arts. As
- [00:01:47.100]Santiago was saying, I'm primarily a visual artist, and I studied printmaking right here
- [00:01:51.560]at UNL. And when I was here, I didn't even know what printmaking was.
- [00:01:54.920]Until after we were required to take the beginning classes. But beyond printmaking, it was really
- [00:02:01.380]here that I decided to become an artist. So thanks to many of my professors here who really
- [00:02:07.960]instilled confidence and curiosity and really just a new way of being. So I've also sat
- [00:02:13.900]in this lecture hall many times. So it's a really great honor to be back here, to come
- [00:02:19.780]back to my roots and say thanks. So although trained in printmaking, I haven't
- [00:02:24.600]made a traditional print in quite some time, but I use aspects of printmaking throughout
- [00:02:30.420]the many mediums that I work with. And so I'm more interested in the idea and kind of
- [00:02:35.060]whatever medium feeds that idea. Typically, I'm inspired by my minimum wage day jobs.
- [00:02:42.360]And most recently, I've spent the past seven years slicing meat and cheese at a grocery
- [00:02:46.440]store deli. And as you can imagine, I've accumulated a lot of work involving being a deli clerk.
- [00:02:54.280]But I recently switched gears and I wrote a book. So this PowerPoint is going to focus
- [00:03:00.840]and center around my debut novel, The Deli Diaries, as part of my ongoing book tour.
- [00:03:06.800]It's going to be part reading, part TED talk, maybe a few slices of stand up, part artist
- [00:03:12.600]lecture. And I just want to be really clear and upfront that even though I'm a visual
- [00:03:17.260]artist, this book is not to be confused with a picture book.
- [00:03:21.460]So much to the disappointment of family and friends.
- [00:03:23.960]Unfortunately, the novel is 285 pages of just black and white text.
- [00:03:30.980]So as you can imagine, I was both confused and relieved when I received my first endorsement
- [00:03:36.300]from Noah Asheroff, who wrote the perfect book for those who don't read.
- [00:03:43.560]So I suppose there's a handful of ways you could take this compliment or insult.
- [00:03:48.680]It's a pretty easy read. There's not a lot of big words. Some pages only have one word on a
- [00:03:53.640]page. I use big font. I really had a lot of fun playing with the visual layout of the text. And
- [00:03:59.800]I was thankful to my publisher who let me collaborate and have a lot of say in the design
- [00:04:04.280]of the book. But I think what Noah is really trying to get at, the meat of the matter, is that
- [00:04:09.560]this is a plotless book. And I realize I'm not doing a great job of selling the book yet, which
- [00:04:15.880]there are books for sale if you're interested. But that is to say there is no conventional
- [00:04:20.920]narrative arc. Beginning, middle, climax, end.
- [00:04:23.320]Rather, I wanted to mimic the expanse and collapse of time. That surreal feeling of
- [00:04:30.280]time that I'm sure you can all relate to when you're kind of working this mindless job and you
- [00:04:35.400]start to do mind tricks with yourself and you're convinced that an hour has passed and you look at
- [00:04:39.960]the clock and it's only been ten minutes. So in structuring this book, I was primarily inspired
- [00:04:45.960]by the spinning of the slicer, this endless cycle of clocking in and clocking out on eternal loop.
- [00:04:53.000]And similar to the slicer, like a fever dream, each short story cycles into the next. So a conversation
- [00:04:59.480]with a co-worker gets interrupted by a transaction across the counter, distracted by my own daydreams,
- [00:05:05.400]an internal monologue, cut off by the intercom grocery store announcement, all under the overhead,
- [00:05:11.720]overplayed music of Sheryl Crow's "Gonna Soak Up the Sun." Never to leave the deli
- [00:05:17.400]except through daydreams and memories. So the initial writing of this book, there were no
- [00:05:22.680]breaks. But in order to be kind to the reader, the book is divided into eight hours and a lunch break.
- [00:05:28.600]And so hopefully through the labor of an eight-hour shift, my character Della will also experience an
- [00:05:33.960]internal shift of heart. Because ultimately, "The Deli Diaries" is the journey of a 31-year-old
- [00:05:39.880]delicatessen clerk searching for love, laughter, and a well-balanced lunch. And so one last
- [00:05:46.680]disclaimer, as you might assume, this PowerPoint will rely heavily on meat. But just know that I
- [00:05:52.360]truly sympathize with the vegetarians here, even more so the vegans, for I too no longer eat lunch
- [00:05:58.760]meat and would in fact be a vegetarian if it wasn't for the 60-second microwavable hot dog.
- [00:06:04.600]So from one hot dog to the next, I'd like to formally introduce myself by using my Tinder
- [00:06:11.000]dating app profile. I think it acts as a good introduction to who I am as a person,
- [00:06:15.960]a potential lover, and also an artist. It reads, "Hi, my name is Ella, but you can call me Della.
- [00:06:22.040]I slice meat 40 hours a week in a suburban deli and live in my parents windowless basement. That's
- [00:06:28.040]where they keep me. It gets pretty dark at night and during the day. Actually, it's dark all the
- [00:06:33.260]time. I'm pushing 32 years old and still single, hence why I'm on here." So this is my windowless
- [00:06:40.340]basement. I like to think of it kind of as a visual representation of the deli diaries,
- [00:06:44.540]almost as if my book threw up. My windowless walls are lined with Thermax sheathing insulation
- [00:06:51.720]which is perfect for self-reflection, scratching, and inserting objects into. Currently, I have a
- [00:07:01.400]16-month-old hot dog dangling from my bedroom wall, and this is when it was inserted fresh,
- [00:07:06.240]so maybe if we have time I can show you what it now looks like. Unfortunately, I haven't
- [00:07:12.120]met my true love yet, but I have matched with some promising potentials. As you can see here,
- [00:07:17.160]Josh and I were wearing matching outfits. This is a little more saturated, a little more
- [00:07:21.400]plump. And he asks, so is your art medium primarily food-based? In which case I responded with seven
- [00:07:27.960]hot dog emojis. I'm not a food artist. I'm a ham artist. Ham, ham, ham, ham, ham.
- [00:07:38.040]Adric asks, hi, how much of that in your description is true? Essentially calling me a liar.
- [00:07:44.680]But he brings up a good point. Because I don't know the difference between life inside my phone and
- [00:07:51.080]life inside the deli, the glass screen mirrors the only obstacle between the customer and the meat.
- [00:07:55.640]Similar to that of a phone screen, the counter is both a protective barrier, as well as a stage for
- [00:08:01.560]performance. And a lot of my work blurs the lines between art and life, performance and reality,
- [00:08:07.960]fact and fiction, employee and customer. And I'm always asking myself, am I doing this
- [00:08:13.480]just for the art? Or is this slice of life, in fact, art? Sadly, not everyone makes it at the
- [00:08:20.760]counter. Last week's new kid only lasted 15 transactions. Wow, that's nerve-wracking up there,
- [00:08:27.160]having to talk to customers like that, like you're on stage. That's some Broadway-type shit.
- [00:08:31.720]And corporate tries to prepare us how to talk smaller. Make sure to mention the weather patterns
- [00:08:38.760]of the day. What's it like out there? Sure is nice out there. Be safe out there. The ambiguous out
- [00:08:45.480]there talk gives the customer a sense of power, as the mere worker may only dream of the out there, while
- [00:08:50.440]counting down the hours left of the predestined stuck in here. Hi, how are you? I'm good, how are you?
- [00:08:57.800]I'm loving the weather. Oh, I know, isn't it nice? It really is nice. I just hope it lasts. I'm loving it.
- [00:09:05.000]It's beautiful. Couldn't have asked for a better day. So nice out there. Let's hope it stays like this.
- [00:09:11.160]Seriously, fingers crossed. You never know, this is Nebraska. Snowing one day, 90 degrees the next. Who can say? You never
- [00:09:20.120]know. It's good to see you. Yes, have a good one. If the customer doesn't respond with obligatory,
- [00:09:27.640]I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, good, good, good, good, good, good, well then my ears perk up.
- [00:09:31.880]But beyond the small talk, a deli clerk must ask strangers that very essential and intimate
- [00:09:37.400]question that probes much deeper. In a world of unlimited choice, what do you want?
- [00:09:43.240]The thing is, not everyone knows what they want. Let me gently hold your hand and I'll walk you
- [00:09:49.800]through the process. To be honest, it can get rather complicated. The delicatessen is a glass
- [00:09:56.120]case of complexities. For starters, it's a ridiculously hard word to spell. Customers are
- [00:10:02.840]always trying to stump me with riddles such as, what's like your funnest meat? Is a pound a lot
- [00:10:10.280]for a boy? Is Virginia ham from Virginia? What's the difference between turkey and ham?
- [00:10:19.480]Why can't you just make it easy like turkey A, turkey B, turkey C, turkey D? Why can't you just
- [00:10:26.040]have one ham? It never used to be this hard. My boss asked me what my type is. I tell him,
- [00:10:32.440]I don't know, I love all hams. He says, your type is probably short, skinny guys. Short,
- [00:10:37.400]skinny, kind of artsy, but short and skinny. Well, you do know me best. My coworker disagrees.
- [00:10:43.720]Nah, I bet your type is tall poets with Paris hats. Coincidentally, a tall poet
- [00:10:49.160]approaches the counter. I got a hankering for ham, says the man. Ham is not my jam, says the girl.
- [00:10:55.000]Yeah, my girl, she don't dine with swine. A mother presses her face to the glass of the case.
- [00:11:00.520]Yes, hi, I'm looking for the real turkey. The real turkey?
- [00:11:04.360]May I have your attention, please? May I have your attention, please?
- [00:11:12.360]Will the real smoked turkey please stand up? And I ask her, how do you want this real turkey
- [00:11:18.840]sliced? To which case she says, surprise me. Sure thing, life is full of surprises,
- [00:11:26.280]especially if you ask for them. In turn, I surprise the customer with a fat cut and some
- [00:11:30.920]intellect. Did you know Donald Judd sliced on a 39? Now that's some thick meat. She smiles politely,
- [00:11:37.020]pretending to already hold such trivial facts surrounding the art world. Next in line asks,
- [00:11:42.960]and I promise this is the only slide like this, will chicken...
- [00:11:48.520]work. And I said, work for what? And they said, for a ham and cheese sandwich.
- [00:11:57.660]Which, you know, I guess chicken could work for a ham and cheese sandwich. I try to keep an open
- [00:12:04.120]mind. I'm an artist. And that's the thing. I'm an artist. I'm a deli clerk. But I'm not your bartender.
- [00:12:10.540]The amount of moms who have ordered a dirty martini for me before noon this week alone has me feeling like maybe I could
- [00:12:18.200]be a mom someday. And I know these customers are probable moms because they approach the counters with shirts that say
- [00:12:25.020]M-O-M. And one time I was blessed with a D-A-D hat holding hands with an M-O-M hat. Not wanting to assume too much, I
- [00:12:34.500]still must ask these two hats that rather personal who's next type of delicatessen question. I hate to pry, but are you two
- [00:12:41.240]together? D-A-D hat looks me dead on. Yes, but only until aisle three, he says.
- [00:12:47.880]I chuckle and cry a little inside. Oh, how I wish I could keep a relationship that long. In one precise grab, I place the
- [00:12:56.380]perfect amount of ham on the scale, .50. With arms wide open, the D-A-D leans over me like he might give me a hug.
- [00:13:03.220]Della, I'm proud of you. Whoops. My face whimpers like a sad puppy. Sir, my own father doesn't even tell me that. For eight out of ten,
- [00:13:17.560]deli clerks still vote with their parents, but only six have daddy issues. Now, I don't want to give all the credit to my
- [00:13:25.180]parents for the entirety of my failed love life, but I think the main reason I'm still single here today is because I was never
- [00:13:32.080]touched as a child. And what I mean to say is that the most affection my dad ever gave me growing up was one of those side hugs
- [00:13:38.620]on my 16th birthday. In his own words, he's been social distancing for years. The book is actually dedicated to my biological
- [00:13:47.240]roommates. This is my mother on the left and my father on the right. And despite what these pictures might depict, we actually
- [00:13:54.140]haven't had a falling out yet. In fact, my dad endorsed this book, even though he stopped reading after 72 pages. So my mother is a
- [00:14:04.700]retired pharmacist and my father a retired minister. And at the very best, both occupations are in the business of promoting one's
- [00:14:12.220]health, one in the physical realm, the other spiritual. But with both,
- [00:14:16.920]I've always been very aware of the darker side: addiction, depression, overdose, sickness,
- [00:14:22.060]hell, sin, hypocrisy. And ultimately, I think both occupations are grappling with
- [00:14:28.860]death, one trying to prolong life as long as possible, the other embracing death.
- [00:14:33.660]Perhaps there is something beyond this life. And a lot of my work is a search to
- [00:14:38.520]reconcile the disconnect between the physical and the spiritual. My mom's
- [00:14:43.920]profound statement of the day while cooking dinner:
- [00:14:46.600]"Sometimes life is so funny, but then you die. Sometimes life isn't that funny, but
- [00:14:51.520]then you still die."
- [00:14:52.780]She then laughs extra hard. And from a very early age, I too have been obsessed
- [00:14:58.840]with death and life, humor and sadness.
- [00:15:01.720]I'm always living between comedy and tragedy. And this self-portrait is one of
- [00:15:06.320]my earliest childhood paintings, which I find to be very on-brand, minus the lack
- [00:15:10.640]of bangs, the fact that I would choose to paint a sad clown.
- [00:15:16.280]The woman at the counter asked me to slice her seven whole hams. And now, if you know
- [00:15:20.060]anything about slicing meat, you know this is going to take a significant amount of
- [00:15:23.660]time. So I'm telling her to maybe just stop watching me, but she wants to stare
- [00:15:28.580]at me the entire time. Take an online course, approach a stranger, pick a
- [00:15:35.420]cucumber, do something. But after 40 minutes of her just staring intensely at
- [00:15:40.520]me, finally she speaks and she asks, "Honey, what do you want to be when you
- [00:15:45.960]grow up?" I pause to reflect upon my age. In this moment, my life flashes before me.
- [00:15:53.040]I think back through all my grown-up jobs. I get lost bathing in 40 gallons of
- [00:15:59.000]rainbow sprinkles. Not having the heart to admit to her my age, I finally replied,
- [00:16:06.440]"Ultimately, I aspire to be a cougar, but it's like not
- [00:16:10.260]yet." In the meantime, I'm looking for a man that likes long texts on the
- [00:16:15.640]beach. I want a man who can share his emojis, a smile that can go a long way. I
- [00:16:20.520]would only date an alcoholic if he's a self-aware alcoholic and a poet. I want a
- [00:16:26.620]man who doesn't let his mom buy all his clothes at Kohl's. I'm looking for the
- [00:16:31.140]boy who could tell me what's beyond the bed and the bath. Now don't get me wrong,
- [00:16:36.520]I love a hot dog, but I once dated a guy whose dog was also named Ella. Ella stay,
- [00:16:42.240]Ella sit, Ella know. Who's a good girl?
- [00:16:45.320]It only took six months, but as you'll see I'm now very well trained. They say
- [00:16:51.620]you shouldn't marry for money, but like I need money. So last year my adjusted
- [00:16:56.420]gross income was eleven thousand three hundred forty one dollars and eight
- [00:16:59.300]cents, in which I confirm with my mom that this is indeed low. Across the
- [00:17:05.060]counter the customer asked, did you even try? And that's the thing, I'm looking for
- [00:17:09.620]someone to try for me. Call me a socialist or my parents favorite child. But
- [00:17:15.000]sometimes when I'm not looking my phone goes behind my back and does the work.
- [00:17:18.240]There I am slicing ham, a single woman, where my butt pocket opens up Bumble, swipes
- [00:17:23.000]right, matches with a man named Mike, and to my horror sends this opening line,
- [00:17:27.920]"Feel." For the following three hours I worry Mike might think my pocket is a
- [00:17:34.080]bit too forward until I feel a faint vibration inside my pants. VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
- [00:18:04.080]hardly working now there's a lot of hard-working characters in the book the
- [00:18:08.460]turnover rate in the deli is next level there's the deli dealer who is our most
- [00:18:13.200]prosperous and generous clerk never complains about minimum wage his only
- [00:18:17.400]problem problem is getting the measurements right with his own
- [00:18:20.960]measurements the deli dancer is incapable of walking from the slicer to
- [00:18:26.400]the counter without dropping it low like she's in the club to the overhead
- [00:18:29.960]soundtrack to Celine Dion's my heart will go on the deli baby is our youngest
- [00:18:35.600]hire not yet walking the deli downer the deli hottie the deli bad boy the deli
- [00:18:44.480]bouncer the deli mom Kyle pronounced kill whose dream job happens to be death
- [00:18:52.760]now the deli cat has this nervous tick where he meows like a cat and we're not
- [00:18:57.220]just talking behind the scenes we're talking in over-the-counter
- [00:18:59.840]in front of customers but recently has since transitioned to the deli bird for
- [00:19:06.320]in his words it's far less annoying to call like a bird than to meow like a cat
- [00:19:10.880]so I'm about to show you now is live sound footage from the deli bird with
- [00:19:15.200]his permission
- [00:19:29.720]Oh
- [00:19:31.720]but not all co-workers are hard workers meet the deli statue now you might think
- [00:19:47.520]I'm gonna deceive you and just show you a photograph but I promise you this is
- [00:19:50.820]live video footage of the deli statue
- [00:19:59.600]so you kind of get the idea pleasure to work with my boss asked me if I ever
- [00:20:11.000]feel like I'm on a treadmill that won't end I tell him I've never been on a
- [00:20:14.480]treadmill before but I think I understand the metaphor to me Mark
- [00:20:19.120]Wahlberg will always be just a cardboard cutout in aisle three attention shoppers
- [00:20:25.520]next time you need a last-minute birthday treat for that special someone head on over
- [00:20:29.480]to the delicatessen so there I am spreading some frosting from the
- [00:20:33.360]leftover canceled wedding cakes in the break room onto some slices when
- [00:20:37.700]produce by walks produce boy walks by he looks just like a young
- [00:20:43.520]version of Justin Bieber and he looks at me and he says what you do is a
- [00:20:49.360]mind-numbing waste of time and so I you know I start to express some guilt for
- [00:20:55.240]wasting an entire piece of cake and my deli mom pulls me aside and
- [00:20:59.360]assures me it's not a waste because you turned it into art and art lasts longer
- [00:21:04.700]than a piece of cake my boss tells me it's your lucky day you just got a 25
- [00:21:11.460]cent raise lucky you another day another dollar holla my grandfather on his
- [00:21:20.980]deathbed asked have you ever thought about making work that sells of course
- [00:21:29.240]the deli dancer tells me I should start an only hands account but if you've been
- [00:21:33.620]following along this long you know that money hasn't been the driving force in
- [00:21:38.300]my poor life choices this is a quote from Jason Mussen that reads the heart
- [00:21:42.600]of an artist being not the reception of recognition but a deep engagement with
- [00:21:46.760]the quarry that torments you and that your work attempts to answer three
- [00:21:52.760]existential slices of ham hover above me who am i what am i where am i
- [00:21:59.120]and a lot of the time I find myself in the state of Nebraska it's not great but
- [00:22:06.540]it's good and from time to time I have to ask myself which maybe you all do as
- [00:22:12.080]well am I happy to live in Nebraska I think so it's probably better than
- [00:22:17.780]Indiana and definitely Iowa and although it's a state with a sexy shape I think
- [00:22:23.120]its motto speaks for itself Nebraska honestly it's not
- [00:22:29.000]for everyone I'd like to turn our attention now to watch a short clip of a
- [00:22:35.840]local Nebraskans close call dealing with corn unloading corn and into a bin we
- [00:22:43.240]were moving corn and taking from one place to the other and it just sucked my
- [00:22:47.960]leg in and and I was trying to pull it out and I felt it jerk me again I thought
- [00:22:53.000]well I was going in and they're gonna grab me and pull me in further then I
- [00:22:56.760]had my pocket knife in my pocket I thought
- [00:22:58.880]well the only way I'm getting out here is cut it off so I just started sawing on it
- [00:23:02.720]the nerve endings I could feel them just ping went every time I when I'd start
- [00:23:08.600]sawing around that pipe and all at once it went and let me go so I got the heck
- [00:23:15.020]out of there he pretty much told me his goal was I need to get home and get back
- [00:23:19.220]to what I was doing before and his main goal is farming pretty nonchalant about
- [00:23:22.760]everything that actually happened like it was no big deal it is what it is make
- [00:23:28.260]the best of it
- [00:23:28.760]that's all you can do I mean it could always been worse and that's the thing it
- [00:23:35.120]is what it is meat is meat John ham on ham it could always be worse unless of
- [00:23:42.800]course we're talking about the dating scene in Nebraska so one of my favorite
- [00:23:47.660]pastimes is to drive across our state and tinder while questioning my
- [00:23:51.740]sexuality my mom believes this pastime of mine is a little bit dangerous but I
- [00:23:57.080]assure her that
- [00:23:58.640]the roads here are straighter than the sexual preferences of Larry the cable
- [00:24:02.960]guy arguably Nebraska's most famous living man and the thing is it's hard to
- [00:24:08.240]match with an actual person cow deer truck truck truck truck tractor bike
- [00:24:20.600]bikes open road dog horse horse this one's a little hard to tell
- [00:24:28.520]art art art do you ever get tired of saying that word art art art look mom
- [00:24:36.120]I'm a seal I began to notice a trend profile after profile of singular dudes
- [00:24:42.440]holding a singular fish I never really stopped pursuing love and started to use
- [00:24:46.400]tinder strictly for research collecting hundreds of men holding fish just for me
- [00:24:51.100]staring only at my phone I draw the man holding a fish I don't think I'd like my
- [00:24:57.020]digital self
- [00:24:58.400]keeping one eye open I reach inside my phone to touch beneath the pixels of his
- [00:25:02.240]skin instead I accidentally grip his three-inch trout Wow Brody 31 that's a
- [00:25:08.360]pretty big fish rainbow bass Florida Marlins in Nebraska I recite the menu of
- [00:25:14.300]red lobster and collect all the men holding fish just for me I wipe my face
- [00:25:18.620]with my phone and either cheddar biscuit for free but there is no one around you
- [00:25:24.260]expand your discovery settings to see more people sadly my discovery
- [00:25:28.280]settings are already set at a 365 mile radius get it together Della because if
- [00:25:34.400]you're not careful you'll end up matching with a can of spray paint cry
- [00:25:37.340]lon John 38 while peeing at a truck stop outside of funk Nebraska population 192
- [00:25:42.440]and you might be wondering why I even contemplated a date with a can of spray
- [00:25:46.880]paint but in the words of my favorite t-shirt I can't say no so don't feel
- [00:25:52.660]special Dylan the dishwasher hands me a pile of knives and asks do you have a boy
- [00:25:58.160]friend because I don't want you to be lonely for the rest of your life
- [00:26:02.680]provolone is our loneliest cheese I tell him Dylan I'm not that lonely I have
- [00:26:08.900]friends and I mean look at this line plus I have my phone I think I asked my
- [00:26:15.280]phone Siri do you want to be with me I'm pretty satisfied with what I got again
- [00:26:20.960]more desperately Siri do you want to be with me I don't want for much I don't
- [00:26:25.640]want for much okay but how
- [00:26:28.040]much do you want give me a strong pound anything in the neighborhood of a pound
- [00:26:32.840]is fine I want less than half a pound but I don't know how to say that I think
- [00:26:37.280]you just said it this is really odd but I just need six slices of Gouda this is
- [00:26:42.540]gonna sound so stupid can I just have five slices of Swiss has that ever been
- [00:26:46.080]done before tell me I'm special the children are just infatuated with the
- [00:26:51.280]chicken I hate to be a brat but was this slice today we're making adult sandwiches
- [00:26:57.920]okay sounds naughty I'm salivating at the mouth I'm so hungry oh my gosh this
- [00:27:02.060]is really weird ma'am how much is a gallon of ham you're gonna hate me so
- [00:27:06.380]much but I need you to cut it a little thicker as thin as a dime actually make
- [00:27:11.780]that as thick as a nickel shave but not sawdust I want to be able to taste my
- [00:27:15.980]turkey give me a heavy half-pound I told you this is really weird do you have
- [00:27:20.840]square cheese nah just rhombus throw the throw the rest on there we'll eat the
- [00:27:26.060]hell out of it I'm a cheese freak
- [00:27:27.800]call me Mickey Mouse you're gonna laugh but it's just for my cat in dog beers
- [00:27:33.140]I've only had one that ought to do me I'm thrilled to death you got guts and a
- [00:27:38.480]darling haircut can I have a slice that's not bloody today ma'am it's not
- [00:27:43.040]blood it's mild globin sorry I'm a virgin eater I want the pretty salami
- [00:27:47.980]don't tell me you're out of dried beef I'm pretty you you serve chicken sliced
- [00:27:53.180]chicken sounds disgusting what the hell is the black forest ham
- [00:27:57.680]ham or turkey doesn't make a difference it's all going to the same place
- [00:28:01.640]arriving in waves customers crash into me my second cousin lost her virginity
- [00:28:06.680]to Dave Matthews band I want it sliced a little thicker than lunch but not slice
- [00:28:10.880]for dinner he asked for the ham off the road I say sir do you mean ham off the
- [00:28:15.540]bone apparently I tell the story wrong she just really likes Dreaming Tree
- [00:28:20.280]Dave's wine and I crash into you Della did I tell you I started playing guitar
- [00:28:26.300]Johnny Salami
- [00:28:27.560]asked like he might serenade me in the cooler it starts to rain a leak from
- [00:28:31.760]above under my umbrella Ella Ella he leans into me a whole hand between his
- [00:28:38.160]breath tickles my chins then he whispers is this the part where we kiss Oh Johnny
- [00:28:44.540]Here I am my Italian deli crush Johnny Salami told
- [00:28:48.500]me he experimented a lot in college I tried four locos and chicken alfredo for
- [00:28:54.020]the first time I asked him did you like it
- [00:28:57.440]chicken alfredo it's not that bad my 17 year old co-worker asked if I've
- [00:29:05.900]noticed the scab on Johnny's left elbow mmm that crust I want to eat it she's a
- [00:29:11.500]scab eater I asked her in turn if I could layer her arms and slices of
- [00:29:15.760]bologna she tells me you do weird shit but not
- [00:29:19.460]like pedophily weird shit thanks tell that to the mad dads my parents live in what
- [00:29:27.320]I like to call a starter kit neighborhood it says if the houses are
- [00:29:30.860]how a child learns how to draw a box with a triangle on top uh-oh suburbanos
- [00:29:37.160]so this is my parents house on the left it's always sad gray skies and these are
- [00:29:42.740]my neighbors it's always the grass is a little bit greener the skies are bluer
- [00:29:46.400]and I asked to play with the other children but the mad dads say no I drive
- [00:29:52.840]through suburban maze praying with Kesha I pull over to read some Freud from the glove
- [00:29:57.200]compartment I want to be normal someday an adult I stop in roundabouts and ask
- [00:30:02.660]myself what is life all about the burbs used to bore me still they disorient me
- [00:30:08.360]I go on photo shoots disguised as runs lost in the repetition of beige I see
- [00:30:14.300]the same house in six different varieties turkey turkey turkey oh look
- [00:30:18.200]finally some chicken rows of houses mirror my love life let me date a Nick
- [00:30:23.120]Nick Nick Nick Nick oh look a John I long for something more exotic
- [00:30:27.080]someday a Henry and Eddie maybe a Mike buttered beige minimalist wife swan
- [00:30:32.600]white I sneeze then squeeze the ball bless you Sherwin Williams balls wash up
- [00:30:39.140]along the edge of the curb pressed against fences let me out they say we
- [00:30:43.220]want to play I balance the ball in a whole ham it is what it is ball on ham
- [00:30:48.540]but um but um the skies are best in the Midwest hashtag blessed want to make out
- [00:30:54.320]on the benches above suburbia
- [00:30:56.960]she tells me her least favorite sound is sports does white wine even count my
- [00:31:02.840]play is too controlled in the morning mist of suburban sprinklers untangle a
- [00:31:07.880]hose the space between a diagonal cut the grass is less mode on the other side
- [00:31:12.260]contentment containment traveling through a foreigner in the land of ham
- [00:31:17.180]to the next and the next and the next my ex I can help who's next yes hi I'm
- [00:31:24.660]looking for the American cheese that's not processed
- [00:31:26.840]I'm sorry ma'am American cheese is 100% processed 100% American I can I can I
- [00:31:32.940]think I can I stack the American cheese between slices of free carpet samples
- [00:31:37.820]stolen from the Home Depot and take a bite from the middle class between two
- [00:31:42.380]slices of bread a middle child heaven or hell fly over the Midwest to be fully
- [00:31:47.000]underestimated is the best rehearse the time still loading where are we going my
- [00:31:52.640]desire to be other this home not forever the clouds above whisper
- [00:31:56.720]hug me, hug me, though I'm not
- [00:31:59.120]much of a hugger I am therefore is this cheese real because I heard Kraft
- [00:32:04.880]singles aren't real the slicer spins me round a cyclical pursuit of happiness I
- [00:32:10.940]stare at the clock ma'am I demand more ham ma'am I demand that ham ma'am I
- [00:32:15.680]demand that ham I am Who am I what am I where am I how did I end up here so I
- [00:32:23.960]just want to rewind and kind of go back to how this all started I just want to
- [00:32:27.880]be clear that I did not choose the deli the deli chose me so after seven years
- [00:32:35.140]of art school not to be confused with med school I applied for a temporary
- [00:32:40.780]temporary was supposed to be two months position at a suburban grocery store
- [00:32:44.600]chain and I checked the box that read salad bar the green stuff the good for
- [00:32:50.260]you stuff as they crawled into my 30s I made vision boards of health I dreamt of
- [00:32:55.420]slipping out of my hot pocket and running into the arms of our
- [00:32:57.840]Gannick flaxseed and turmeric I plugged my nostrils with baby carrots microwave
- [00:33:02.820]goodbye my GMOs and bros at night I fantasize about bathing naked and heads
- [00:33:08.520]of iceberg lettuce lathering myself with creamy ranch on the side people would
- [00:33:12.900]ask me where do you get your youthful glow are you like a vegetarian or
- [00:33:16.560]something and I'd say thank you for noticing I live life under arugula bar
- [00:33:21.580]don't eat two hot dogs per day this was supposed to be my story
- [00:33:27.800]but HR shows no signs of listening then he points to me Della the deli needs you
- [00:33:34.360]he emphasizes the word you yet somehow I don't feel special truth be told the
- [00:33:40.580]deli is desperate it's a department created for the rejects the degenerates
- [00:33:46.020]the delinquents the alcoholic losers home of the Midwestern misfits outcasts
- [00:33:52.100]and the kids who sleep past noon the deli is a pretty dirty job
- [00:33:57.760]at night we have to shop vac all the leftover meat in the case and by very
- [00:34:03.440]first day of work I was commissioned to package up this ham salad and so I just
- [00:34:08.080]asked like is there a utensil I'm supposed to use to package this up and
- [00:34:11.520]my boss just kind of looks down on me with one of those cinematic fatherly
- [00:34:16.940]smiles and shrugs God gave you two hands for a reason
- [00:34:21.580]I nod and stare at my hands in a new and intimate way I suppose it's comfortable
- [00:34:27.720]to know my hands have a divine purpose and despite the dirty nature of the
- [00:34:33.620]deli one must always smile so this is a store with a permanent smile we kindly
- [00:34:39.360]ask that all employees smile 24 hours a day seven days a week and 52 weeks a
- [00:34:44.580]year but it wasn't always easy to smile a family friend sees me across the
- [00:34:51.480]counter and says you work here but you're educated
- [00:34:57.680]well it was only an art degree I wish I could hide a middle-aged man asked for
- [00:35:04.640]one pound of freshly cut pastrami cut thin now I asked him do you want it cut
- [00:35:09.140]so thin that it's falling apart and he said falling apart yeah just like my
- [00:35:14.600]life I smile sympathetically and hand the man his metaphorical meat across the
- [00:35:19.800]counter for my life was also falling apart with a tender smile the love of my
- [00:35:24.680]life was cheating on me with a mutual friend a married mom
- [00:35:27.640]and I tried to seek comfort in my phone his serious boyfriend of five years
- [00:35:32.440]broke up with me was like Jerry Springer I was so dramatic it was like fine and
- [00:35:35.880]brushes and light rail crazy and like dated half my class and I refer to this
- [00:35:40.960]dark period as my Jerry Springer dark days I turned to Oscar Mayer and his
- [00:35:46.760]Lunchables desperate for answers during breaks I'm seeing double fisting
- [00:35:50.460]Hot Pockets doused in gin I snort lines of minced ham and then gender-neutral
- [00:35:54.400]family bathroom every third hour I inject
- [00:35:57.600]near-fatal doses of liquid turkey into my varicose spider veins while
- [00:36:00.820]swallowing cigarettes whole and then I got a record low secret shopper score
- [00:36:06.460]primarily for not smiling a 31 out of a hundred my 17 year old co-worker tells
- [00:36:13.160]me Della your case always looks great but your life inside is a mess it says
- [00:36:20.220]if she knew I had a failed love life that I'm walking barefoot on meat not
- [00:36:23.780]sand I dropped my phone then I dropped to my knee
- [00:36:27.560]my boss tells me a good girl on my lunch break are being ham into the
- [00:36:32.600]bathroom and take selfies from above I hide in the ham I am wrapping myself in
- [00:36:39.140]its folds draped across my flesh you should smile more do more be more I
- [00:36:46.780]practice my smile as your smile is my smile he loves me he loves me not
- [00:36:51.980]chaff blows in the wind I hide I perform I mask my face with a
- [00:36:57.520]another slice and scroll through selfies of old I'm an unworthy deli
- [00:37:01.140]clerk sometimes a jerk I can't move suffocate under the weight of the slice
- [00:37:05.140]upon my skin what's like your five-year plan please tell me you have some goals
- [00:37:10.420]I look in the mirror and Google myself apparently I'm a call girl in Germany a
- [00:37:16.400]dead girl in Cali give me purpose in the eight-hour shift my desire look away
- [00:37:21.580]from me that I may smile again and because I could not physically smile
- [00:37:27.480]during this time my self-imposed penance was to create a meat-and-cheese smiley
- [00:37:31.820]with the materials at hand in hopes to kind of earn my way back into the good
- [00:37:35.480]graces of HR and hopefully I was thinking that maybe through the ritual
- [00:37:40.360]eventually the smile could become genuine and then I quit the deli I got
- [00:37:49.660]accepted into what was in my mind a prestigious residency again not to be
- [00:37:54.600]confused with a medical residency and
- [00:37:57.440]my world was falling apart but at least I had art with a capital A now this
- [00:38:03.620]particular residency turned out to be more reminiscent of MTV's the real world
- [00:38:08.300]I quickly realized it did not fit in I couldn't talk the talk I was just a
- [00:38:14.000]recovering deli clerk from Nebraska with no connections or academic standing
- [00:38:18.820]outside of UNL and at this residency I truly lost myself and hit rock bottom I
- [00:38:26.820]know why I'm here and I want to be here I want to be part of the community I want
- [00:38:27.400]longer knew who I was spiritually, artistically, or even sexually. And I hated myself. They say
- [00:38:34.900]hate is a strong word. I can't help myself, escape myself, this shift. Underneath your clothes,
- [00:38:41.280]Shakira tells me there's an endless story. Paper or plastic, my smile in the bag is fine.
- [00:38:46.660]Under my eyes, the line is long. I don't like how I look. I don't like who I am. I put on a mask
- [00:38:53.260]and smile under the sun. And the very next day, I had to give a lecture at art school. And kind
- [00:39:01.840]of the last thing you want to do when you hate yourself is talk about yourself. But I made it
- [00:39:05.560]through this presentation. And a professor pulled me aside. And she goes, Della, the reason that
- [00:39:11.420]you can go to the deli day in and day out with a smile on your face is because your identity
- [00:39:15.940]doesn't lie in the deli. Your identity lies in being an artist. And I so badly wanted to
- [00:39:23.060]believe that. And I so badly wanted to believe that.
- [00:39:23.240]But at that point, I hated even the art world. I was tired of trying to constantly prove myself,
- [00:39:29.160]to build my resume, to do good, be good, do more, clock in, clock out again and again. When does it
- [00:39:35.980]end? I don't know what I want, but I know that I want. Love is sad, at least at the end. My child,
- [00:39:46.020]let's play, pretend. And on that drive home, I became mesmerized by the sky, the transcendence,
- [00:39:53.220]and I heard or rather felt a voice saying, Della, you are loved, and it's not about what you do
- [00:40:00.060]or what you've done, but who you are. Your identity rests in me. For as Augustine famously
- [00:40:05.800]says, our hearts are restless until they rest in you. And when I returned to the deli with fresh
- [00:40:12.520]eyes, my studio or my the deli transformed into my studio, my playground, a gymnasium of desire,
- [00:40:19.600]if you will. And I no longer believe that one could waste
- [00:40:23.200]time because art and life are so intimately connected. And so one shift, this child's blue
- [00:40:29.740]play ball from suburbia that was once pressed up against fences rolled into the deli, and I stuck
- [00:40:35.020]a slice of ham on it, as you do, and I started taking photographs, and I started to see the
- [00:40:39.400]connection between the slice of ham and the ball and the marbleization of the ham and the fleshiness.
- [00:40:45.980]And in this moment, I began to see the connection between the physical and the spiritual.
- [00:40:53.180]Like a full circle, mimicking the very first transaction of the book, What Do You Want?,
- [00:40:58.280]the last customer in line flips it on me and asks, I want what you want. Della, what do you want?
- [00:41:04.740]What do you want? What do you want? Chicken or beef? Turkey or ham? It is what it is.
- [00:41:10.220]The sky rolls to me like a ball, cloudy with a chance of rain. I place a slice of ham on the
- [00:41:16.060]ball, upside down, marbleized, let me out, I want to play. Palm the ball, raise as high as I can,
- [00:41:23.160]two houses kneel and pray. Who am I? What am I? Where am I? Minimize the window, look outside the
- [00:41:30.200]aisle, the ham slips between, the word made flesh, grant me ecstasy, give me sex, let me find myself
- [00:41:38.240]in you, I am, therefore, what do you want? What do you want? Now ham doesn't expire, does it?
- [00:41:45.880]No, ma'am, ham is eternal. What do I want? A love with no end, I want
- [00:41:53.140]to go home, clock in, clock out, a cycle transcend, I am that I am, it is what it
- [00:41:58.580]is, I want love, I want laughter, hey mom, what's for lunch, what's next, what's next?
- [00:42:05.320]And I feel like as an artist, one of the most common questions you get is like,
- [00:42:08.860]okay, what's next, what are you gonna do next? And honestly, I just want to rest, I
- [00:42:15.580]want to sit. And after a long day's work, I like to treat myself to a free 90-minute
- [00:42:23.120]tour of the Laska Furniture Mart, America's largest home furnishing store. So I sit in
- [00:42:30.380]these like, they're like $6,000 massage chairs, and you know, by 40 minutes in they
- [00:42:35.380]kind of suspect you're not gonna maybe buy the chair. But you just happen to be right
- [00:42:39.800]next to the Lazy Boy recliner section. And so I started to record primarily couples trying
- [00:42:45.440]out Lazy Boy recliners. I just thought there was something kind of funny about sitting
- [00:42:49.400]down and immediately talking about how it feels.
- [00:42:53.100]And I call this Lazy Boy Poetry.
- [00:42:57.940]This is nice here. Oh, I want to sit on that. Oh my word, this feels so nice. Are all of
- [00:43:04.120]them this wide? Do you think it's too wide? These are the big man ones. Will it even fit?
- [00:43:10.780]How would this feel to watch TV? I want a beer. I like that. I want it to rock. You
- [00:43:16.780]feel like a rock? No, I want it to rock. Should we get gray? Seems like gray is the new brown.
- [00:43:23.080]I'm never going to date again. I'm just going to get a chair. Sitting still never
- [00:43:27.720]felt so good. I don't want to lose you. And I began to see each lazy boy as a literal
- [00:43:35.720]lazy person, and I started to render all the faces of my past relationships in graphite,
- [00:43:42.240]and I drew them for 40 hours and stopped after a 40-hour work week, leaving them incomplete.
- [00:43:48.880]And this is my most recent body of work called "A Lazy Love." And we don't have time
- [00:43:53.060]to really go deep into this work, but I'd like to end by sharing the story of one special love,
- [00:43:59.660]which is Ore. So Ore was a six-pound oven-roasted chicken, but Ore was more than a piece of meat.
- [00:44:08.380]On a cold night in December, during a deli shift from hell, a brand-new, wet-and-rubbery,
- [00:44:13.620]oven-roasted chicken slipped off the slicer scratch-free.
- [00:44:19.000]Personally, I like to think the chicken was just trying to save itself from being another Nicole
- [00:44:23.040]neglected slice of meat in some kid's school lunch.
- [00:44:28.700]And in an attempt to use my art degree for the common good, I channeled my frustration
- [00:44:32.880]into positivity and instinctively stuck a smile into the chicken.
- [00:44:38.120]And I thought, this has the potential to be the start of something special.
- [00:44:43.760]I asked my boss if I could keep the chicken, and he mumbled, "Sure."
- [00:44:48.440]So at $9.99 a pound, that's a $65 friendship value right there for free.
- [00:44:53.020]And I asked the chickens' pronouns before taking 37 selfies together,
- [00:44:58.340]marking the beginning of Orr and I, the origin of us.
- [00:45:03.420]Clocking out, I placed Orr inside a plastic sack, anxious to meet the parents.
- [00:45:09.140]In a nice way, I asked them not to eat our new roommate.
- [00:45:12.660]And Orr lived in a variety of places, depending on the season,
- [00:45:16.520]sometimes on the porch, sometimes in the basement.
- [00:45:19.300]This was his favorite resting spot, the family fresh
- [00:45:23.000]meat fridge.
- [00:45:23.500]Welcome to suburbia.
- [00:45:30.320]So I really just wanted to show Orr the good life,
- [00:45:32.900]that he could be more than a piece of meat.
- [00:45:35.720]And we quickly became best friends.
- [00:45:38.480]We did everything together, just like a real couple.
- [00:45:41.700]The great outdoors became our playgrounds.
- [00:45:45.040]He loved to just go on drives, not always wearing a seatbelt.
- [00:45:52.980]We loved fast food, or ate a lot of chicken and thought he was pretty meta.
- [00:46:10.020]We experienced many seasons together.
- [00:46:13.620]We had fun in the snow, not always the most fair snowball fights.
- [00:46:19.340]And when the weather was too cold, we had plenty to do inside.
- [00:46:22.960]A avid reader, also made it on his was no stranger to social media, Snapchat, made the
- [00:46:31.520]group chat, fascinated by the food network.
- [00:46:39.900]And we tried to also maintain a healthy, balanced lifestyle, keeping in shape.
- [00:46:45.740]Our relationship developed organically over time, trust, and online validation.
- [00:46:51.020]And the process was just that, a process.
- [00:46:52.940]Because Orr really needed the proper space to heal, as he frequently experienced
- [00:46:58.700]reoccurring nightmares of what could have been death by slicer on auto to
- [00:47:03.260]the overplayed deli tune of Sheryl Crow's The First Cut is the Deepest.
- [00:47:07.580]I would have given you all
- [00:47:22.920]my heart, but there's someone who's torn it apart, and he's taken just all that I had.
- [00:47:36.040]But if you want to try to love again, baby, I'll try to love again, but I know
- [00:47:47.740]The First Cut is the Deepest.
- [00:47:52.900]Baby, I know The First Cut is the Deepest, but when it comes to being lucky, He's best.
- [00:48:08.720]So our relationship progressed naturally, and within two months, we started showering
- [00:48:12.600]together and sleeping together.
- [00:48:15.520]And Orr really wanted to be just like me when he grew up.
- [00:48:19.060]I didn't have the heart to tell him it's not as glamorous as they make it seem.
- [00:48:22.880]But we did get the opportunity to go back to the deli and mask ourselves with ham and
- [00:48:28.420]really together ask those existential questions.
- [00:48:36.600]And then one humid day, I took Orr to Target, the epitome of the American suburban consumer
- [00:48:42.260]dream.
- [00:48:43.380]Now, this was before Target's recent news of ending their DEI initiatives, just for
- [00:48:48.940]the record, but if there was one thing Orr had to experience
- [00:48:52.860]before death, it was a Target Supercenter run, and anything that we touched, we had
- [00:48:58.220]to buy, so we had quite a big bill at the end.
- [00:49:02.800]No one really seemed to care, though, or ask any questions.
- [00:49:10.280]Were you ever tempted to eat the chicken is a question I got a lot.
- [00:49:14.660]At first, yes, but within a few months, Orr really started to lose his sex appeal, so
- [00:49:20.500]to speak.
- [00:49:21.500]He was aging rapidly.
- [00:49:22.840]Naturally, and despite the smells, the truth was, despite the smiles, the truth was Orr
- [00:49:28.400]really started to stink.
- [00:49:30.140]His popularity increased, but his complexion began to fade.
- [00:49:35.460]So after six and a half months, due to impending threats from my biological roommates, we were
- [00:49:40.020]forced to say goodbye.
- [00:49:43.080]Friends and family follow the smell to a beautiful memorial held to share in a door or at Memorial
- [00:49:49.200]Park, live in the 90 degree humidity.
- [00:49:52.820]Dozens of Sheryl Crowes circled above.
- [00:49:55.540]Eulogies were read.
- [00:50:00.540]He developed maggots during this day, it was pretty hot out.
- [00:50:08.940]But if you want, I'll try to love again.
- [00:50:11.020]Baby I know the first cut is the deepest, or as an acronym, or as a choice, or waddles
- [00:50:17.000]between cute and grotesque, intimate and generic, processed and organic, or projects all the
- [00:50:22.800]alternate realities, or promotes possibilities, or connects and bridges the gap between this
- [00:50:28.840]or that, but it is never either or.
- [00:50:33.240]But where is or now, she asks.
- [00:50:35.520]Ma'am, or lives forever in our hearts, but physically, I like to think he's still floating
- [00:50:40.420]down the dirty Missouri.
- [00:50:42.420]As I waved goodbye, the river carried or in my reflection together as one.
- [00:50:47.280]Or may have been a processed piece of meat, but or was real to me, and my grandma wrote
- [00:50:52.780]to me in all caps email.
- [00:50:54.060]She likes to shout her love.
- [00:50:56.020]She wrote, I am so sad for or his passing, read his incredible story, and I'm crying
- [00:51:00.380]for his departure.
- [00:51:01.960]Perhaps you will find someone special to replace him.
- [00:51:04.920]In the meantime, you are lonely.
- [00:51:06.680]So let's have lunch.
- [00:51:08.440]Grandpa and I are always there for you.
- [00:51:11.740]And I'll end with my three favorite responses to the ongoing question.
- [00:51:15.880]Anything else I can get for you?
- [00:51:17.480]Nah, they'll do it.
- [00:51:19.460]They'll do me.
- [00:51:20.460]They'll do her.
- [00:51:21.460]Thank you very much.
- [00:51:22.760]Oh, and if there's any questions, feel free.
- [00:51:41.500]Yeah.
- [00:51:43.260]Thank you.
- [00:51:49.340]That was phenomenal.
- [00:51:50.340]That was so exciting.
- [00:51:52.740]I'm really curious about the way that you started your book, if it was sort of ongoing
- [00:51:59.780]on the back burner while you were working, either in your studio or in the deli, if you
- [00:52:06.300]were writing these things down and when you realized this is a book, this needs to be
- [00:52:13.200]seen and read and thought about.
- [00:52:15.380]Yeah, that's a good question, especially coming from a...
- [00:52:18.940]I never thought of myself as a writer.
- [00:52:22.720]It kind of started as you just have...
- [00:52:25.840]Time really slows down in the deli.
- [00:52:27.800]You have eight hours behind a shift doing repetitive motions over and over and over.
- [00:52:32.720]And so you're just...
- [00:52:35.520]Anything sort of out of the ordinary, I just became hyper aware of, especially you're also
- [00:52:40.420]dealing with something pretty mundane.
- [00:52:43.760]It's not even dinner, it's lunch.
- [00:52:45.260]And so any sort of little story or thing that would happen, I started to collect and I would
- [00:52:49.860]just take notes on my phone.
- [00:52:52.700]I just kind of almost thought of it as like collecting material and I started to think
- [00:52:57.020]of sayings and phrases as material.
- [00:53:00.640]So I think it's happened through a show where I printed just little sayings on deli wax
- [00:53:06.020]paper and then seeing them on a whole wall, it was like, "Oh, maybe this could be a book.
- [00:53:13.080]It's already on paper."
- [00:53:15.320]And so that was kind of the start.
- [00:53:17.640]And then I would also back in the day when Facebook was like maybe bigger of a thing,
- [00:53:22.680]I would write long Facebook statuses, which kind of became like a collection of stories.
- [00:53:29.480]And so that's kind of how it started.
- [00:53:35.400]I have to say the last talk I gave, the very first question was this 82-year-old woman.
- [00:53:40.820]I know she was 82 because she was very proud to go back to school at 82.
- [00:53:44.360]And she raised her hand and she said, "Can I have my money back?"
- [00:53:49.280]Which I found very hard and awkward to answer because I'm like, "Ma'am, it was a free
- [00:53:52.660]event."
- [00:53:53.660]So that was a great first question.
- [00:53:57.560]Oh, that's a wonderful talk.
- [00:54:03.440]Did you find, because a lot of your work sort of revolves around using your phone and the
- [00:54:13.040]sort of, maybe kind of using the phone and the possibilities of just the apps that exist
- [00:54:21.540]on the phone.
- [00:54:22.640]Does it help you generate kind of like the films that you make and the, you know, that
- [00:54:28.220]it kind of, even though it's a simple tool, it's kind of freeing because it's always there
- [00:54:33.040]and has all these properties that can be used?
- [00:54:36.440]Yeah, totally.
- [00:54:38.480]I always, I kind of think, I mean, you know, obviously I use my phone too much, but I do
- [00:54:42.560]think of it as like an extension of my hands even.
- [00:54:46.960]I think even in the deli, probably the most freeing thing was just a limitation of, you
- [00:54:52.620]know, tools and material.
- [00:54:54.640]Like if I began to think of the deli as my studio, I only have this much space behind
- [00:54:58.260]the counter, I have a slicer, I have just everything became a tool, but very limited.
- [00:55:04.520]And so the phone was almost like the biggest possibility tool.
- [00:55:08.580]And a lot of like the deli, even coming up with the book and stuff, it was also a lot
- [00:55:12.940]through Instagram of like doing behind the scenes stories, live and kind of getting engagement
- [00:55:19.260]that way as well.
- [00:55:20.260]So yeah, I definitely think of the phone.
- [00:55:22.600]I always thought back in the day, like, oh, I need like a real camera and these aren't
- [00:55:25.980]going to be high quality, but just like learning to embrace like, okay, these can be starting
- [00:55:31.140]out.
- [00:55:32.140]I mean, I was in the deli for seven years, so the first smileys and cheese photos were
- [00:55:36.440]all from like an iPhone six or something, you know?
- [00:55:38.780]And so just kind of embracing like, okay, the technology gets better and just using
- [00:55:43.700]what you do have.
- [00:55:52.580]Hi.
- [00:55:53.580]Okay, that was an experience and I loved it.
- [00:56:05.020]So okay, I truly resonate with the like day in, day out cycle.
- [00:56:14.220]And in a way I feel like you did romanticize it, but I have to ask like, how was that?
- [00:56:22.560]And how did you come out of it?
- [00:56:24.380]Or have you embraced the like, boringness of life and being a struggling artist?
- [00:56:31.260]If that makes any sense?
- [00:56:32.420]Do you have any words of comfort or advice or anything like that?
- [00:56:37.080]Words of comfort.
- [00:56:39.240]Yeah, I mean, it was really just I think and it maybe wasn't stated super clearly in this
- [00:56:45.820]talk or the book.
- [00:56:47.420]But it was I went to a residence, the deli is supposed to be two months, and then I was
- [00:56:51.580]going to go to a residency.
- [00:56:52.540]And when I was at this residency, I met a curator there who was like, you know, you're
- [00:56:58.300]in the beautiful mountains of Colorado, you're surrounded by all these amazing artists, but
- [00:57:02.480]you seem to be more inspired by the deli.
- [00:57:05.040]And I was like, absolutely not, that's not true.
- [00:57:08.280]And so he was kind of the first person that was thinking, like, kind of got me thinking,
- [00:57:12.180]like, what if the deli became your studio?
- [00:57:15.000]What if the deli was your residency?
- [00:57:16.480]What if you didn't always have to leave and try to escape?
- [00:57:19.920]And so it didn't happen right away.
- [00:57:22.520]But when I kind of had this, like, spiritual revelation
- [00:57:26.120]or whatever, I came back with truly new eyes of, like, okay,
- [00:57:30.480]I don't have to escape.
- [00:57:31.820]I can be present.
- [00:57:33.120]I can be here.
- [00:57:34.420]And I really had to drop my --
- [00:57:36.480]like, I just had such a bad attitude in the beginning.
- [00:57:39.140]I had, like, an ego problem.
- [00:57:41.000]I thought I was better than everyone.
- [00:57:42.960]I'm, like, I'm working with high schoolers, you know.
- [00:57:45.480]And so I think I just had to really drop my ego.
- [00:57:49.660]And then I had to just, like, everything became --
- [00:57:52.500]became potential for art.
- [00:57:54.200]Every conversation mattered.
- [00:57:55.800]Every potential thing across the counter mattered.
- [00:57:59.720]Or could matter.
- [00:58:00.900]And so I just became -- I just started paying attention more and appreciating it.
- [00:58:06.600]So -- and then I started to also just, like, really appreciate my coworkers and just, like,
- [00:58:13.860]you know, you might not get along with someone, but if you spend eight hours a day with them,
- [00:58:17.580]you have to learn how to at least try to love them.
- [00:58:22.480]So I think it really -- I don't know if I'm answering the question, but yeah, just I guess
- [00:58:28.480]-- I don't know, what was the question again?
- [00:58:32.680]Comfort -- words of comfort for the boring mundane.
- [00:58:34.820]I also -- I feel like I thrive in boredom, like, I almost want to be bored, because I
- [00:58:41.280]think it maybe does go back to, like, when the world's just full of possibilities, I
- [00:58:46.200]get paralyzed and overwhelmed, like, oh, there's too many choices, like, unlimited choice.
- [00:58:50.200]So I think I actually do better.
- [00:58:52.460]I think I actually do better when it's like, okay, we have restraints and there's structure
- [00:58:56.000]and how can you work within that limitation.
- [00:59:00.780]And yes, I have a tendency to romanticize everything.
- [00:59:03.640]And so it wasn't always just wonderful.
- [00:59:06.680]Yeah, there was and it was also hard work.
- [00:59:09.880]So it's like, it's like physical labor and, and then you're returning to your parents
- [00:59:15.560]windowless basement, you're just like, I'm still living at home with my parents.
- [00:59:20.440]And so there was a lot of like, you had I also
- [00:59:22.440]had to kind of have this belief that this project is worth it.
- [00:59:25.940]And I'm doing this for the yards.
- [00:59:27.900]And yeah.
- [00:59:29.540]That like, did you have this close encounters moment when everyone thought, like, maybe
- [00:59:35.160]everyone has an idea of when you took it too far.
- [00:59:37.240]But do they say when or came out, they're like, wait, maybe, maybe this is maybe we've
- [00:59:42.680]hit this, this cease and desist moment.
- [00:59:46.160]Yeah.
- [00:59:47.520]And taking it too far.
- [00:59:48.920]Ironically, or was in the beginning of the deli.
- [00:59:52.420]So I think that actually just jump started the whole, the whole thing.
- [00:59:58.660]So
- [00:59:59.660]Great talk, thoroughly enjoyable.
- [01:00:05.040]So two questions.
- [01:00:06.040]The first question is, your, your, your, your lecture is, how do you see it, because it's,
- [01:00:12.420]it's kind of a piece of art, a performance in its own right.
- [01:00:18.180]So clearly, you took a lot of time to
- [01:00:22.400]compose, engineer, edit, and work with everything.
- [01:00:27.740]So I'm a little, I'm very interested in how this works in terms of your artwork as a piece,
- [01:00:33.400]as this is a piece of artwork.
- [01:00:35.300]And second of all, I know that to be the cover, but this is also an interesting cover as well.
- [01:00:41.760]Did that change or is it the same or a version of it?
- [01:00:44.320]Yeah, well, I'll answer that question.
- [01:00:46.700]That is, we packaged it from the deli.
- [01:00:49.520]So that's with its, if you buy it from me directly,
- [01:00:52.380]you can have it packaged from the deliverse.
- [01:00:55.480]So which is just like custom made butcher paper and it comes with gloves.
- [01:01:02.280]I wanted to kind of like put a cheese slice in or something, but
- [01:01:06.500]it's all not that way.
- [01:01:08.320]So yeah, those are here if you are interested.
- [01:01:10.940]And then the other question was, how do I view this?
- [01:01:15.180]Yeah, so this all kind of started during COVID, where for some reason life kind of
- [01:01:22.360]stopped.
- [01:01:23.360]And so Zoom became a big thing.
- [01:01:24.760]And so I started giving a lot of Zoom presentations and simultaneously was in the middle of writing
- [01:01:31.000]this book.
- [01:01:32.000]And so I started to think, I don't exactly know where I got the idea, but I'm like, what
- [01:01:35.640]if I don't show art in my presentation?
- [01:01:39.400]So it's an artist's lecture, but I'm not showing like chronological, I started with this and
- [01:01:44.480]here's my next project with like the labels underneath each piece.
- [01:01:48.340]And so what if the whole thing could kind of be, you don't know if it's going to be
- [01:01:52.340]if it's art or if it's like just a PowerPoint.
- [01:01:56.240]So I started thinking about PowerPoint as a medium.
- [01:01:59.140]And then I started thinking about just kind of mimicking how art and life are so intertwined
- [01:02:03.680]to me.
- [01:02:04.680]I was like, okay, what if I can do that with a presentation where it's not, this is my
- [01:02:08.620]painting I did and as much as that.
- [01:02:12.400]So it's kind of like I have some, you know, some of it's, you know, it's all kind of art,
- [01:02:17.420]but it's all some of its stock photography and yeah.
- [01:02:22.320]Yeah, how long did you have Orr for?
- [01:02:40.400]Six and a half months, right under seven months.
- [01:02:43.480]Okay.
- [01:02:44.480]And then did you do all the pictures like spread out or was it?
- [01:02:50.060]Yeah, it was all spread out.
- [01:02:52.300]Like Orr, my favorite kind of art that I've learned to love is the art where I don't know
- [01:02:57.460]what I'm doing with it and maybe it's not art, but let's just have it and like sit with
- [01:03:01.780]it for a minute.
- [01:03:03.080]So I just was so into the smiles, so just naturally poked a smile on its face.
- [01:03:09.560]And then it sat in my parents' fridge or freezer for quite a while.
- [01:03:13.540]But then I was like, "Oh, I forgot about that chicken.
- [01:03:15.740]Let's bring it out."
- [01:03:17.200]Also, this was like when Instagram stories started to be an option.
- [01:03:22.280]Snapchat was big.
- [01:03:23.520]And so then it kind of became this behind the scenes performance.
- [01:03:27.540]So a lot of it was fake.
- [01:03:29.520]I would just do a big photo shoot in one day, but then I would act like it was like, "We're
- [01:03:33.820]doing this every day."
- [01:03:35.660]So yeah.
- [01:03:36.660]But it just kept going a little too long.
- [01:03:44.060]Great.
- [01:03:47.960]Thank you so much.
- [01:03:48.960]Yeah.
- [01:03:49.960]Thanks so much.
- [01:03:50.960]Appreciate it.
- [01:03:51.960]Thank you.
- [01:03:52.960]Thank you.
- [01:03:53.960]Thank you.
- [01:03:54.960]Thank you.
- [01:03:55.960]Thank you.
- [01:03:55.960]Thank you.
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