Helping Children Cope with Difficult Experiences

Child Mind Author

11/26/2024 Added

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Free resources available via Child Mind on difficult topics such as divorce

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[00:00:00.000]Of all the questions you've asked today, this is a hard one.
[00:00:03.420]It definitely changed the game.
[00:00:05.440]We have different approaches to parenting.
[00:00:07.620]Separation and divorce is difficult.
[00:00:10.160]For a long time, I personally wasn't involved with my own family.
[00:00:14.200]They didn't really like the fact that I chose to get a divorce.
[00:00:17.640]Parents who are going through divorce, who are divorced,
[00:00:25.740]it is a really incredibly challenging time for a parent in addition to your kid.
[00:00:32.660]For the whole family, you're really grieving
[00:00:34.700]sort of a loss of what you thought the future was going to look like.
[00:00:38.520]I was a single parent in the relationship before we divorced.
[00:00:42.060]It was just me and the boys all the time.
[00:00:44.380]People would comment, oh my God, you're a single mom.
[00:00:46.880]You have two lovely boys.
[00:00:48.260]And I'm like, no, I'm married, you know.
[00:00:50.840]Before the divorce, they saw parents who were angry and upset with each other.
[00:00:55.600]Who were walking around on eggshells.
[00:00:58.120]There was not a lot of joy.
[00:00:59.420]We had a very tumultuous relationship that unfortunately the kids were exposed to.
[00:01:07.360]There was a lot of yelling in the household.
[00:01:09.860]It was not a healthy breakup.
[00:01:11.360]Aga's a lot younger than I am.
[00:01:13.260]And we just didn't get along anymore.
[00:01:15.060]We really tried.
[00:01:16.220]We went to counseling a lot.
[00:01:18.280]I wish we tried harder, though, for the kids and for us as a family.
[00:01:23.620]When, as a parent, you're ready to share with your kids that you're separating or getting
[00:01:31.460]divorced, start this conversation in a place where they're comfortable.
[00:01:34.860]Make sure that you have enough time for them to ask you their questions and really reiterate
[00:01:40.200]that it's something between the adults and it is not their fault.
[00:01:43.640]They're not to blame for what's happening.
[00:01:45.560]I was afraid during the divorce process because of my kids.
[00:01:52.480]I was afraid of how it would affect them.
[00:01:54.420]We didn't have that opportunity that we talked about to sit down and talk to them.
[00:02:00.160]They had to put the pieces together and they overheard stuff.
[00:02:04.420]We were at our grandparents' house and we heard them fighting and stuff.
[00:02:08.220]At first, I thought it was my fault and I was thinking, maybe they're splitting up because of me.
[00:02:15.460]Maybe I did something wrong.
[00:02:16.940]Maybe they didn't want me as the oldest child.
[00:02:19.160]My daughter was five years old.
[00:02:21.340]It happened pretty abruptly.
[00:02:23.040]Within one day, we went from, yay, we're this great couple to, yeah, we need to separate.
[00:02:30.180]My oldest was 10.
[00:02:31.220]The other was like eight years old.
[00:02:33.420]I took them to their favorite boba shop.
[00:02:35.220]I tried to set the atmosphere so that they would feel comfortable in their favorite place and they have a little something sweet.
[00:02:42.260]And I just told them that, you know, it wasn't working out between me and their father and that we were getting divorced.
[00:02:48.220]My oldest, she made a, you know.
[00:02:51.280]comment to me that she was actually, she was like, I'm kind of glad that you were.
[00:02:55.960]My youngest, her spirit is a little bit more innocent.
[00:02:58.380]She was very, very sad.
[00:03:00.080]When I'm working with families that are going through a divorce, they have all sorts of questions.
[00:03:05.460]Is my kid going to start having problems at school or are they not going to feel as loved?
[00:03:11.100]I think it's really important for parents to understand that if you can create subroutines for your kids,
[00:03:16.940]whether that's pick up at the same time, same dinner on Monday night,
[00:03:21.080]we read the same story or we do the same thing after dinner,
[00:03:24.800]those can be really helpful in resetting to the new normal.
[00:03:28.260]We have a family dinner once a week on the weekend.
[00:03:33.000]Right after their dad moved out, there was a question like, was he going to come back for those dinners?
[00:03:38.680]And I didn't want him to because I was still working through all the process of the separation.
[00:03:45.640]My other kids were kind of,
[00:03:47.440]getting upset at me.
[00:03:49.360]And I understood why I felt empathy for them
[00:03:51.780]because it seems like not fair.
[00:03:54.120]Like, why can't their dad come over?
[00:03:55.500]And Esther stood up for me and she said,
[00:03:58.620]well, mom, I'm proud of you for setting boundaries.
[00:04:00.860]And I was like...
[00:04:02.720]I'm very glad that my mom and my dad
[00:04:07.040]had a mostly clean separation.
[00:04:09.800]At least to us kids, it looked really smooth and nice.
[00:04:15.340]And they said they were still going to be friends or friendish.
[00:04:19.360]I wouldn't want to see all the ugliness if there was any.
[00:04:24.060]There are so many things parents should not do
[00:04:27.140]after a separation or divorce.
[00:04:28.820]That includes saying negative things
[00:04:32.240]about your now ex-partner.
[00:04:35.140]You should not have them send messages to the other parent.
[00:04:41.620]And you should also not ask your child to be a spy.
[00:04:45.300]Try not to ask too many questions
[00:04:47.300]about how things are with him.
[00:04:48.740]Not to pry, but also of course I'm very curious
[00:04:51.500]how their life is with him, because it's so new.
[00:04:53.680]And I want to make sure they're okay.
[00:04:56.500]Like, I don't like to talk bad about my ex to my kids.
[00:05:02.960]I would say there was probably one point where I did,
[00:05:05.920]because it was just so over.
[00:05:07.300]I was just so over it, I exploded.
[00:05:10.080]Since then, I just keep them out of our lives.
[00:05:14.860]Yeah.
[00:05:15.160]Yeah.
[00:05:15.260]Yeah.
[00:05:15.280]Ever since our divorce.
[00:05:16.300]After my wife and I split up, and I'm not proud of this,
[00:05:19.580]say in front of Max that my ex-wife was mean,
[00:05:23.160]she was vindictive, that she wanted to hurt me.
[00:05:30.560]And I think I said in front of Max also
[00:05:32.480]that she wanted to take him from me.
[00:05:34.820]What I would not do again, and what I shouldn't have done,
[00:05:37.860]was have as much anger and engage that engagement
[00:05:43.100]in that anger, the back and forth,
[00:05:45.260]than the escalating.
[00:05:46.480]It was a waste of a lot of energy and time,
[00:05:48.520]and it hurt Max.
[00:05:49.300]Try to work out custody and schedule
[00:05:52.480]before you speak to the children about it.
[00:05:54.840]It can go a really long way
[00:05:56.500]if you are confident in the schedule and the plan
[00:05:59.140]when you present it to your kids.
[00:06:00.380]I started keeping a little calendar on the wall
[00:06:04.340]of their visits so that they see.
[00:06:07.360]And then I was like, forget it,
[00:06:08.960]I'm just going to use technology.
[00:06:09.980]So I made a Google Calendar that we all share,
[00:06:14.080]and I put on there,
[00:06:15.240]they're supposed to be with their dad,
[00:06:16.500]and then other events that they do.
[00:06:18.460]Fast forward to a two-year custody battle,
[00:06:22.340]that being over with,
[00:06:23.800]I'd say the last year has been really good.
[00:06:27.060]And then our communication got softer and warmer.
[00:06:29.880]So I feel like we've all grown.
[00:06:32.820]When you're going through a divorce,
[00:06:36.060]you can only control what you can control.
[00:06:38.340]And one thing that you can do
[00:06:40.380]is nurture your relationship with your child.
[00:06:42.820]You can't necessarily control what your co-pays
[00:06:45.220]or what your parent is going to do,
[00:06:46.060]but you can work on your positive relationship
[00:06:48.540]with your child.
[00:06:49.300]They love going to the park and play soccer,
[00:06:51.540]so I take them.
[00:06:52.400]We dance at home, too.
[00:06:54.120]I'm from Panama, so we do some Latin music,
[00:06:57.360]dance parties.
[00:06:58.540]There's baseball or football almost every day,
[00:07:04.560]so I get to see my sons actually every day.
[00:07:08.300]That's a big part of our connection.
[00:07:10.260]That's our happy place on the field.
[00:07:13.880]As we move,
[00:07:15.620]into our own new lives,
[00:07:17.280]where we overlap is for the kids.
[00:07:20.440]All of our energy and focus
[00:07:23.080]has to be on the kids.
[00:07:25.000]It's not about us anymore.
[00:07:26.560]♪ ♪
[00:07:29.560]♪ ♪
[00:07:30.560]you
[00:07:31.180]Thank you.

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Helping Children Cope with Difficult Experiences

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