Men and Masculinity

Gender and Sexuality Center Author

07/29/2024 Added

14 Plays

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Learn about the social constructs around being a man and how stereotypes negatively impact men and masculine folks. This presentation will discuss strategies to empower healthy masculinity and acknowledge the disparities between men from various backgrounds.

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[00:00:01.710]Welcome to the Men and Masculinity presentation.
[00:00:06.150]My name is Paige Hesby, and I am an intern
[00:00:09.270]for the Gender and Sexuality Center
[00:00:11.970]at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.
[00:00:15.150]First and foremost, I wanna thank you all
[00:00:17.850]for the time you've taken out of your day to be here
[00:00:21.120]and to watch this presentation.
[00:00:26.850]Let's briefly review some objectives for this presentation.
[00:00:31.230]It is our hope that, throughout this presentation,
[00:00:34.590]you will learn more about, one,
[00:00:37.410]social constructs and stereotypes negatively affecting men
[00:00:41.760]and masculine people,
[00:00:44.010]two, how these constructs reinforce toxic masculinity,
[00:00:49.530]and three, ways to express healthy masculinity
[00:00:53.550]and increase emotional intelligence.
[00:00:57.930]Now, as we get started, we just wanna give you a heads up
[00:01:02.730]that this presentation contains content related to rape,
[00:01:07.260]sexual assault, violence, self-harm,
[00:01:11.370]suicide, transphobia, transmisogyny, and homophobia.
[00:01:17.760]So throughout this presentation,
[00:01:19.980]we encourage you to take care of yourself as you need to.
[00:01:29.490]First, let's discuss social constructs.
[00:01:34.140]Social constructs refer to social norms and ideas
[00:01:38.250]that people in a society agree on.
[00:01:41.520]An example of this would be the agreement
[00:01:43.950]people in the society reach on the value of money
[00:01:47.430]and the difference in value between a $1 bill
[00:01:50.880]and a $100 bill.
[00:01:53.010]Both are just simple pieces of paper,
[00:01:55.980]but through societal agreement,
[00:01:58.200]they're assigned different monetary values.
[00:02:02.850]The idea of social constructs relates to our discussion
[00:02:06.240]about masculinity because society has come
[00:02:09.240]to some agreements about what, quote-unquote,
[00:02:12.067]"real masculinity" looks like.
[00:02:14.700]And some of these ideas can lead to harmful consequences
[00:02:18.240]for both men and masculine folks and the people around them.
[00:02:26.070]Sometimes social constructs about men and masculinity
[00:02:30.480]become stereotypes, widely held, but oversimplified beliefs
[00:02:35.760]about the characteristics of a group of people.
[00:02:40.260]As we look to build healthy masculinity,
[00:02:43.350]it's important to recognize and unpack
[00:02:46.110]the stereotypical qualities that make a, quote-unquote,
[00:02:49.777]"real man," as these stereotypes
[00:02:52.500]and the pressure to conform to masculine social constructs
[00:02:56.190]can be very distressing.
[00:02:59.100]These different stereotypes include claims that men
[00:03:03.060]don't cry openly or express emotions except for anger,
[00:03:07.860]men don't express weakness or fear,
[00:03:11.580]men demonstrate power and control, especially over women,
[00:03:16.710]men must be aggressive and dominant,
[00:03:20.370]men solve their own problems without asking for help,
[00:03:24.510]men must be protectors and providers,
[00:03:27.930]men should not behave like a woman or like a gay man,
[00:03:32.790]men cannot be feminine,
[00:03:35.160]men should never say no to sex.
[00:03:39.090]A man being sexually assaulted is not believable
[00:03:42.600]as it must have been wanted.
[00:03:45.210]Men should be the emotional rock for women,
[00:03:48.570]and men shouldn't need mental health services.
[00:03:52.950]When these stereotypes are internalized or believed,
[00:03:56.610]they often only serve to hurt men and masculine people
[00:04:00.330]and the people around them.
[00:04:02.370]For example, internalizing the belief that men
[00:04:05.610]should demonstrate power and control over women
[00:04:08.970]can lead to consequences such as dating violence.
[00:04:12.570]And internalizing the belief that men
[00:04:15.570]can't be sexually assaulted discourages men
[00:04:18.660]from disclosing an assault to others
[00:04:21.240]and can lead to self-blame.
[00:04:24.120]Therefore, it is important that we begin to name
[00:04:27.750]and interrogate the validity of these stereotypes.
[00:04:35.430]When talking about social constructs,
[00:04:37.800]it's also important to discuss intersectionality.
[00:04:42.180]Intersectionality is a concept that argues
[00:04:45.480]that various social categories, such as race and gender,
[00:04:49.890]overlap to create interconnected experiences
[00:04:53.610]of advantage or disadvantage in society.
[00:04:57.630]Thus, intersecting identities play a role
[00:05:01.170]in the types of stereotypes placed on men.
[00:05:05.280]Identities that affect masculine expectations
[00:05:08.520]and stereotypes include, but are not limited to:
[00:05:13.140]age, race, class, culture,
[00:05:17.670]sexuality, and religion.
[00:05:21.030]For example, an older man may experience greater pressure
[00:05:25.260]to be a provider to his family
[00:05:27.780]than is the case for a younger man.
[00:05:31.020]What it means to be masculine
[00:05:33.210]and what constitutes masculinity can differ greatly
[00:05:36.870]across cultures as well.
[00:05:39.300]For example, in much of Western culture,
[00:05:42.620]a, quote-unquote, "real man" is considered unemotional,
[00:05:46.860]stoic and strong-willed.
[00:05:51.270]Whereas in other cultures, such as Japanese culture,
[00:05:55.422]masculine expectations focus strongly
[00:05:59.370]on financially providing for one's family
[00:06:02.310]and being a loyal and diligent worker.
[00:06:06.150]It is important to keep in mind when deconstructing
[00:06:08.700]these stereotypes that they're shaped by many aspects
[00:06:12.210]of our identity and the society in which we operate.
[00:06:20.460]As mentioned previously, these stereotypes, constructs,
[00:06:24.960]pressures and expectations placed on men
[00:06:28.170]and masculine people can result
[00:06:30.630]in some pretty heartbreaking consequences.
[00:06:34.770]The statistics on the screen are not intended to say
[00:06:38.220]that men are inherently or naturally
[00:06:41.280]more likely to be violent,
[00:06:43.590]but these statistics quantify the result
[00:06:46.620]of internalizing masculine stereotypes and expectations.
[00:06:52.560]So with this in mind, some of the violent consequences
[00:06:56.730]of the internalization of harmful masculine stereotypes
[00:07:00.780]include that 52% of young transgender boys and men
[00:07:06.660]age 13 to 24 have considered suicide in the past year,
[00:07:12.690]that 79% of people arrested for violent crimes are men,
[00:07:19.650]that 97% of mass shootings since 1966 have been done by men,
[00:07:27.030]that cisgender men die by suicide at four times the rate
[00:07:31.380]of cisgender women,
[00:07:34.050]and that over 90% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by men.
[00:07:40.830]These statistics clearly outline
[00:07:42.990]how dangerous the internalization of these stereotypes
[00:07:46.440]can be for both men and masculine people
[00:07:49.620]and the people around them.
[00:07:51.690]Again, we can see how the social expectation
[00:07:55.170]that men should be aggressive and demonstrate power
[00:07:58.080]over women, if internalized and taken at face value,
[00:08:02.580]can lead to increased rates of sexual assault
[00:08:05.430]and dating violence.
[00:08:07.710]However, by identifying and challenging these stereotypes,
[00:08:12.510]these statistics can change.
[00:08:20.160]Other consequences of harmful masculine stereotypes
[00:08:24.690]are those that affect men's emotional
[00:08:27.450]and relational wellbeing.
[00:08:30.300]Again, this slide is not saying that men are inherently
[00:08:34.230]more likely to use substances or inherently less emotional,
[00:08:39.120]but that the internalization of harmful social constructs
[00:08:43.200]is what results in these consequences.
[00:08:47.400]With this said, the internalization of harmful
[00:08:50.850]masculine stereotypes can cause men and masculine people
[00:08:54.900]to experience increased isolation and loneliness,
[00:08:59.280]increased competitiveness,
[00:09:02.010]a lack of positive masculine identity or role models,
[00:09:06.510]increased aggression, a lack of healthy friendships
[00:09:10.470]with other men, emotional overdependence on women,
[00:09:15.780]increased depression, inappropriate expressions of anger,
[00:09:21.180]decreased likelihood of seeking mental health services,
[00:09:25.440]internalization of misogynistic stereotypes,
[00:09:29.790]difficulty with intimacy and vulnerability,
[00:09:33.600]decreased self-esteem,
[00:09:35.910]and increased alcohol and substance use risk.
[00:09:40.890]Again, we can see how the internalization
[00:09:43.860]of a social construct that says men
[00:09:46.230]should not express weakness or fear, for example,
[00:09:49.800]can cause men to feel that they shouldn't discuss
[00:09:52.320]mental health issues with their friends
[00:09:54.750]or even professionals.
[00:09:57.330]But as we said before, these outcomes can be changed
[00:10:01.170]by identifying and deconstructing the social constructs
[00:10:05.340]at the root of these issues.
[00:10:11.580]Now let's discuss what is meant
[00:10:13.260]by the phrase toxic masculinity.
[00:10:19.680]We define toxic masculinity as a concept
[00:10:23.460]referring to the cultural expectations of men,
[00:10:27.960]manliness and masculinity and behaviors
[00:10:32.340]that perpetuate domination, homophobia,
[00:10:35.820]misogyny, and aggression,
[00:10:38.850]all of which damage men's self-esteem and mental health.
[00:10:44.430]The social expectations and stereotypes about masculinity
[00:10:48.360]that we previously discussed usually promote ideas
[00:10:51.780]of toxic masculinity.
[00:10:54.780]When we talk about toxic masculinity,
[00:10:57.240]the word toxic is not describing the men
[00:11:00.360]or masculine people themselves,
[00:11:02.850]but rather toxic is describing the stereotypes
[00:11:06.720]and social pressures, which, as we discussed,
[00:11:10.050]can lead to toxic and harmful behaviors.
[00:11:17.250]When discussing toxic masculinity,
[00:11:20.100]it's also important to discuss
[00:11:21.960]and acknowledge male privilege.
[00:11:25.050]Addressing male privilege is not intended to create guilt
[00:11:29.040]or defensiveness, and also isn't intended to say
[00:11:32.640]that people with privilege don't work hard
[00:11:35.160]and earn accomplishments.
[00:11:36.930]They do.
[00:11:38.520]Acknowledging privilege is often
[00:11:40.650]an uncomfortable conversation
[00:11:42.360]because these privileges aren't earned.
[00:11:46.680]For example, a man can't, quote-unquote, "earn"
[00:11:50.280]a lower likelihood of being sexually assaulted.
[00:11:53.670]His lower likelihood is simply a product of gender.
[00:11:59.100]So examples of privilege men and masculine folks
[00:12:02.220]may experience include being much less likely to be afraid
[00:12:06.840]of walking alone in the dark,
[00:12:09.360]being paid more for doing the same job,
[00:12:12.810]not having their capability to make important decisions
[00:12:16.170]be questioned according to the time of the month,
[00:12:19.830]not fearing getting into an Uber or a cab,
[00:12:23.850]not fearing that their drink will be drugged at a bar,
[00:12:27.690]and having the privilege to not be aware of male privilege.
[00:12:33.810]It's also important to note that these privileges
[00:12:36.480]may be new to trans men
[00:12:38.670]depending on where they are in their transition.
[00:12:42.270]Also, the privileges differ based on additional identities.
[00:12:46.680]As we discussed previously, the experiences of men
[00:12:50.400]can differ greatly according to race, sexuality,
[00:12:54.270]age, et cetera.
[00:12:56.520]For example, a Black man may fear for his safety
[00:12:59.520]walking alone in the dark.
[00:13:06.000]Now that we've built awareness on the different privileges
[00:13:09.240]men can experience, we can look at how to incorporate
[00:13:13.170]this awareness into healthy masculinity.
[00:13:17.280]First, identify your privileges,
[00:13:20.040]like the ones we discussed on the previous slide,
[00:13:23.280]and understand how it gives you an advantage.
[00:13:28.680]For example, men are less likely to have their competence
[00:13:32.220]questioned in the workplace due to gender
[00:13:35.250]and are less likely to feel socially expected
[00:13:38.190]to take time off work after having a child.
[00:13:42.030]This can result in tangible advantages
[00:13:44.670]such as working more often, leading to more pay,
[00:13:48.360]and a greater chance of being promoted.
[00:13:51.840]Second, understand the lack of privileges
[00:13:55.590]and hardships faced by others.
[00:13:57.990]This is an enormous exercise in empathy.
[00:14:01.740]For example, truly accept and understand why women
[00:14:06.630]may worry about their safety on a first date.
[00:14:10.260]Instead of labeling it as paranoid
[00:14:12.750]when a woman shares her location with a friend
[00:14:15.390]on a first date, pause and understand
[00:14:19.050]that she is protecting her safety
[00:14:21.360]according to her life experiences.
[00:14:25.080]And finally, empower and support others
[00:14:28.080]who do not have your advantages.
[00:14:30.420]Empower does not mean to speak for people
[00:14:34.080]or to, quote-unquote, "give them a voice."
[00:14:37.170]It means to amplify their voices.
[00:14:40.350]This can be done in many ways, like ensuring the women
[00:14:43.800]in your workplace have the chance
[00:14:45.630]to voice their perspective,
[00:14:47.730]challenging misogynistic stereotypes vocalized by other men
[00:14:51.600]when you hear it and more.
[00:14:55.080]Once male privilege is acknowledged,
[00:14:57.570]that understanding can be used to amplify others' voices
[00:15:01.440]and strengthen community.
[00:15:06.990]Now, let's discuss healthy masculinity,
[00:15:09.720]which is basically the opposite of toxic masculinity.
[00:15:14.400]Healthy masculinity identifies, confronts and denies
[00:15:18.990]the toxic masculinity underlying
[00:15:21.600]harmful masculine stereotypes and expectations.
[00:15:25.920]So let's discuss ways to develop healthy masculinity.
[00:15:33.870]As we strengthen healthy masculinity,
[00:15:36.660]there are five tenets that we will build upon.
[00:15:40.890]Let's use an example of a friendship
[00:15:43.110]between two men throughout the tenets on this slide.
[00:15:47.940]Our first is awareness, meaning to be aware
[00:15:51.720]that many masculine stereotypes and pressures
[00:15:54.990]are rooted in toxic masculinity,
[00:15:57.810]which affect both you and those around you.
[00:16:01.470]So for our example about a friendship between two men,
[00:16:05.220]this means recognizing that toxic masculinity
[00:16:08.550]affects your male friend as much as it affects you.
[00:16:12.840]This also means being aware that you can choose
[00:16:15.900]to build a healthier masculine framework.
[00:16:21.090]Our second is connection.
[00:16:23.550]Once you have identified the role of toxic masculinity
[00:16:27.330]in your relationships, you can work to remove its influence.
[00:16:31.950]For example, you can ensure that your relationships
[00:16:34.950]with women and feminine people are that of equals.
[00:16:39.390]Additionally, referring to our male friendship example,
[00:16:43.170]you can reach out to your male friend to genuinely check in
[00:16:46.770]and see how his day has been to build connection.
[00:16:52.020]Our third is accountability,
[00:16:54.120]which refers to approaching things
[00:16:56.130]with non-judgmental curiosity and being open to feedback.
[00:17:01.440]For example, remain curious about how it would feel
[00:17:05.190]to reach out to your male friend to ask about his day.
[00:17:09.060]Would it feel weird, awkward?
[00:17:12.270]Do it anyway with curiosity for what it would feel like.
[00:17:17.130]Let's say your friend tells you
[00:17:18.540]that something you did hurt his feelings.
[00:17:21.690]Openness to feedback then refers
[00:17:24.000]to taking your friend seriously
[00:17:26.160]and apologizing without defensiveness.
[00:17:32.250]Our fourth tenant, empathy, involves seeing the struggles
[00:17:36.540]of others and finding a commonality in co-feeling.
[00:17:41.400]So for example, let's say you ask your friend
[00:17:44.370]how his day was, and he says it didn't go well.
[00:17:47.610]Ask yourself, as he's talking, how did he probably feel
[00:17:51.540]when these bad things happened?
[00:17:53.940]How might he feel now telling me about it?
[00:17:57.030]How might I be able to help?
[00:18:01.260]And our last tenant is solidarity,
[00:18:04.080]recognizing that another person's struggle is yours as well.
[00:18:08.640]Referring again to our male friendship,
[00:18:11.160]let's say that he tells you he's been feeling anxious
[00:18:13.980]about school lately.
[00:18:16.440]Anxiety is likely an emotion you felt before too,
[00:18:20.700]and both of you are emotionally affected
[00:18:23.670]by toxic masculine pressures every day.
[00:18:27.750]These commonalities connect you.
[00:18:30.810]Solidarity means that you recognize
[00:18:33.090]that your friend's struggle is as much yours as it is his.
[00:18:43.170]While we're discussing male friendships,
[00:18:45.480]let's discuss specific things that you can do
[00:18:48.750]to strengthen your relationships with other men.
[00:18:53.490]We know that toxic masculine expectations
[00:18:56.910]include that men should not be vulnerable,
[00:18:59.610]emotionally intimate, or express any weakness,
[00:19:03.240]particularly to other men.
[00:19:06.360]But by challenging the toxic masculinity
[00:19:08.940]at the heart of these stereotypes, everyone benefits.
[00:19:14.010]So we recommend intentionally going out of your way
[00:19:17.220]to check in on your friendships with men
[00:19:19.890]and masculine people.
[00:19:21.900]This is the first step in challenging
[00:19:23.970]harmful social constructs.
[00:19:26.790]This can be done with a text, a phone call, a FaceTime call,
[00:19:31.410]or in person, and it doesn't have to be elaborate.
[00:19:35.040]You can simply say, "Hey, how have you been doing?"
[00:19:38.040]Or, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while and wanna catch up.
[00:19:41.280]When are you free?"
[00:19:43.380]Once you've made it clear to your friend
[00:19:45.120]that you're really there to listen and they start to share,
[00:19:48.450]be sure to actively listen.
[00:19:50.970]This means limiting distractions,
[00:19:53.010]such as putting away your phone,
[00:19:55.200]and communicating that you're listening both non-verbally,
[00:19:58.740]such as through nodding and maintaining eye contact,
[00:20:02.730]and verbally, like with follow-up questions.
[00:20:07.710]Be sure to explicitly vocalize your support too.
[00:20:11.550]This could be done by asking your friend if they want advice
[00:20:15.000]or by verbally empathizing, by saying something like,
[00:20:18.487]"Wow, that sounds really tough."
[00:20:21.630]We also encourage you to model emotional vulnerability
[00:20:25.320]to the men and masculine people in your life.
[00:20:28.950]By reaching out and genuinely checking in,
[00:20:31.740]you are modeling vulnerability.
[00:20:34.530]By asking for help when you need it,
[00:20:36.577]"Hey, can I vent?" you model emotional openness.
[00:20:42.210]Over the next several slides,
[00:20:44.070]we'll discuss ways you can increase
[00:20:45.900]your emotional intelligence
[00:20:47.730]and cope with difficult emotions on your own.
[00:20:55.470]One of the best ways to increase emotional intelligence
[00:20:59.490]and manage difficult emotions is to create a coping toolkit.
[00:21:04.950]A coping toolkit is essentially a toolbox
[00:21:07.980]for our mental health, filled with tips and tricks
[00:21:11.190]that help us to identify, process,
[00:21:14.100]and cope with distressing emotions.
[00:21:17.910]This is especially important, since many men
[00:21:21.090]and masculine folks have been told that their toolkit
[00:21:24.120]should not include crying or outwardly showing emotions.
[00:21:28.920]And instead, many have been told that only anger
[00:21:32.670]is an allowable emotion.
[00:21:35.940]This lack of a coping toolkit lowers emotional intelligence,
[00:21:40.530]which then leads to some of the consequences
[00:21:43.110]we previously discussed, including men and masculine people
[00:21:47.310]being less likely to seek mental health services
[00:21:50.820]and their disproportionately high rates of suicide.
[00:21:55.140]The next several slides will cover
[00:21:56.880]the following aspects of coping:
[00:21:59.550]stress management, anger management,
[00:22:03.270]emotional identification, progressive muscle relaxation
[00:22:08.160]and mood tracking and journaling.
[00:22:13.980]Our first step in our coping toolkit
[00:22:16.650]is finding ways to manage stress.
[00:22:20.100]Stress can exacerbate other emotions such as anger
[00:22:24.300]and make them more difficult to cope with.
[00:22:27.540]By identifying ways to cope with stress,
[00:22:30.540]the severity of other emotions may be lessened.
[00:22:35.550]So first, we wanna look at ways to cope with stress
[00:22:38.430]in the long term.
[00:22:40.500]This can help in preventing instances
[00:22:42.840]in which we feel overwhelming stress
[00:22:45.750]and reduce the overall frequency of stress.
[00:22:49.410]These types of coping skills are ones you can incorporate
[00:22:53.040]into your routine,
[00:22:54.960]such as maintaining a regular sleep schedule,
[00:22:58.470]engaging in regular physical activity and food intake,
[00:23:03.600]making consistent intentional time for your hobbies,
[00:23:07.830]engaging in regular social activity
[00:23:10.170]with comfortable, safe friends and family,
[00:23:13.740]and consuming caffeine in moderation.
[00:23:20.100]The second part of stress management
[00:23:22.710]is learning to quickly relieve stress as it arises.
[00:23:27.750]Some strategies for this include practicing deep breathing,
[00:23:32.670]engaging in progressive muscle relaxation,
[00:23:35.490]which we'll talk about in a minute,
[00:23:37.980]journaling, going outside or brightening your environment
[00:23:42.330]when stressed, going to the gym or exercising,
[00:23:47.550]doing yoga, massaging your hands, playing with a pet,
[00:23:52.860]listening to music, talking to a friend, going for a walk,
[00:23:59.010]taking a shower, and engaging your senses in some way.
[00:24:04.410]Some of these strategies,
[00:24:05.910]such as progressive muscle relaxation and journaling,
[00:24:09.120]we'll talk about in a few slides.
[00:24:15.480]The next part of our coping toolkit is about managing anger.
[00:24:20.640]As we discussed, many men and masculine people
[00:24:24.330]get the message that only anger
[00:24:26.550]is an acceptable emotion to express.
[00:24:30.030]There are several toxic masculine messages
[00:24:32.820]that feed into this, including the expectation
[00:24:36.480]that men are dominant and aggressive
[00:24:39.180]and the expectation that men do not show weakness.
[00:24:43.290]Often then, other emotions such as sadness or disappointment
[00:24:48.300]or hurt are often labeled as quote-unquote weak
[00:24:52.620]and then discouraged.
[00:24:54.840]But expressing anger can often make us feel
[00:24:57.570]like we're more in control and it feels less vulnerable.
[00:25:02.880]Anger is what's frequently referred to
[00:25:05.250]as a secondary emotion,
[00:25:07.470]meaning that anger never comes in isolation.
[00:25:11.700]Anger may be the emotion we express on the outside,
[00:25:15.240]which is why it's at the top of this iceberg,
[00:25:18.150]but anger often disguises the other emotions
[00:25:21.000]that accompany it, such as jealousy, loneliness,
[00:25:25.050]hurt, embarrassment and more.
[00:25:30.870]Some ways to manage anger in the moment include
[00:25:34.110]counting down from 10 before responding in a conversation,
[00:25:38.940]going for a walk and/or taking a break
[00:25:41.490]from the conversation.
[00:25:43.800]When taking a break from a conversation,
[00:25:46.440]tell the other person that you're emotionally overwhelmed
[00:25:49.500]and need a break, and give them an estimate
[00:25:52.290]of when you can return to this conversation.
[00:25:56.160]Deep breathing, taking a cold shower,
[00:25:59.250]or putting cold water on your face
[00:26:01.950]and engaging in physical activity.
[00:26:06.060]The long-term goal here, after we've calmed
[00:26:08.610]from the initial anger, is to identify the emotion
[00:26:12.000]underneath the anger, such as sadness or hurt,
[00:26:16.110]and cope with that emotion.
[00:26:18.840]Something that can be very helpful for identifying
[00:26:21.420]the emotion underneath anger is the feelings wheel.
[00:26:28.380]A feelings wheel is a great tool
[00:26:30.660]for expanding our emotional vocabulary.
[00:26:34.230]With the feelings wheel, we can identify the first emotion,
[00:26:38.040]which is written in the center,
[00:26:39.930]and get more specific as we move towards
[00:26:42.480]the outer of the wheel.
[00:26:45.210]For example, let's reference the previous slide
[00:26:47.880]and say that after my anger has subsided
[00:26:51.420]I notice I'm feeling quite sad.
[00:26:54.180]Then I could start with the word sad in the center
[00:26:56.850]and move outward.
[00:26:58.530]I might notice then that lonely is a more accurate word.
[00:27:03.300]And moving out further, I might decide that abandoned
[00:27:06.870]is what I'm actually feeling.
[00:27:09.360]And abandonment feels like a very vulnerable,
[00:27:12.660]weak emotion according to toxic masculine pressures.
[00:27:16.530]So it's no wonder I reacted with so much anger.
[00:27:19.950]It felt safer and more allowable.
[00:27:23.310]But now that I've identified that I'm feeling abandoned,
[00:27:27.510]I can make a plan to manage this feeling,
[00:27:30.270]such as reaching out to a friend
[00:27:31.980]or family member for support.
[00:27:34.890]Feelings wheels are great tools to ask yourself
[00:27:38.130]what kinds of coping skills help best
[00:27:41.400]with what kinds of emotions?
[00:27:43.650]What helps? When I'm annoyed, overwhelmed, anxious?
[00:27:47.790]They may be different answers.
[00:27:52.860]Another way to cope with stress, anger,
[00:27:56.190]and other difficult emotions
[00:27:58.170]is what's called progressive muscle relaxation.
[00:28:02.310]In this exercise, you start at the bottom of your body
[00:28:06.120]with your toes, and you contract the muscles of that area
[00:28:09.930]for a few seconds while inhaling.
[00:28:12.780]So the first step would be curling
[00:28:14.670]and squeezing your toes while inhaling,
[00:28:17.580]and then we release that tension on an exhale.
[00:28:21.570]Then you move up your body with the same contract-inhale
[00:28:26.430]and release-exhale pattern.
[00:28:29.430]So you'd move from your toes to your calves
[00:28:32.760]to your quadriceps to your abdomen to your fingers,
[00:28:37.080]your biceps, your neck, and then your facial muscles
[00:28:40.860]around your mouth and eyebrows.
[00:28:43.950]You can do this while sitting or lying down.
[00:28:48.090]This exercise doesn't need to take long
[00:28:50.670]and can be a reliable coping skill
[00:28:52.380]for all kinds of emotions.
[00:28:54.750]It's particularly helpful for sleep as well
[00:28:57.600]since it physically relaxes the muscles in your body.
[00:29:02.040]You can put the words progressive muscle relaxation
[00:29:05.610]into YouTube, for example, and find guided versions
[00:29:09.810]of this exercise.
[00:29:14.910]As we identify our emotions and become aware
[00:29:17.940]of how they feel, using additional tools like a mood chart
[00:29:22.770]can help you be aware of patterns in your emotions,
[00:29:26.130]what provokes different feelings
[00:29:28.110]and what works as far as coping with them.
[00:29:31.800]There are many free and paid apps
[00:29:34.140]that can be useful in this.
[00:29:36.930]Some mood tracking apps include Daylio and Daily Bean.
[00:29:41.670]In these apps, you can chart your mood over time
[00:29:45.090]and get a sense for what often correlates
[00:29:47.220]with your emotions.
[00:29:48.900]For example, you may notice that worse moods
[00:29:51.960]occur on the days that you have an early class,
[00:29:54.780]which can inform you that you may need more sleep
[00:29:57.960]or may need a later class time in the future.
[00:30:02.100]A great journaling app is Stoic.
[00:30:05.040]It offers you prompts in the morning and evening,
[00:30:08.100]and you can complete other journaling prompts at any time.
[00:30:12.630]Some overall mental health apps that provide
[00:30:15.390]various coping skill ideas include MindShift CBT,
[00:30:20.935]MoodTools, Headspace, and Moodfit.
[00:30:25.200]Headspace is also full of various guided meditations.
[00:30:33.690]Moving back for a moment to discussing relationships,
[00:30:37.920]as we covered, one of the messages
[00:30:40.560]resulting from toxic masculinity is that men
[00:30:43.980]should always want sex and should be dominant with women.
[00:30:48.690]This, along with beliefs that men should initiate
[00:30:51.960]sexual advancements, can quickly turn
[00:30:54.870]into sexual behaviors that are not consensual.
[00:30:58.950]Additionally, toxic masculine cultural expectations
[00:31:03.030]are often accompanied by misogynistic stereotypes,
[00:31:07.350]such as beliefs that women are, quote-unquote,
[00:31:09.907]"asking for it," or that part of the feminine role
[00:31:13.350]is to be sexually submissive to men.
[00:31:17.280]This same stereotype though,
[00:31:19.350]that men should always want sex,
[00:31:21.330]can also lead men who were sexually assaulted to feel...

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