Ambiguous Loss and Agriculture - Support and Help with Dr. Cody Hollist - full interview

Linda Reddish Author

09/29/2023 Added

4 Plays

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Cody, full interview for Ambiguous Loss project

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[00:00:00.372](upbeat music)
[00:00:07.020]Hi, I am John Fech with Nebraska Extension
[00:00:09.540]and welcome to this video on Ambiguous Loss.
[00:00:12.600]Joining me here in the studio is Cody Hollist,
[00:00:15.390]Professor of Child, Youth, and Family Studies.
[00:00:18.360]Cody when ambiguous loss is experienced by individuals,
[00:00:22.140]families, ag producers, how does that generally affect them?
[00:00:27.330]It affects their brain,
[00:00:28.980]it affects how we interpret information coming in.
[00:00:32.040]And I think even before we talk about what it does to us
[00:00:35.160]it's probably good to kind of define what it is.
[00:00:37.380]Sure.
[00:00:38.213]So ambiguous loss is one of those things
[00:00:40.770]that is hard to nail down
[00:00:42.480]and the name isn't creative, right?
[00:00:44.760]The name is what it is, it's ambiguous, it's hard to define.
[00:00:48.540]And so it affects us in how we interpret information
[00:00:52.020]because it's a lens that we filter things through.
[00:00:56.130]That's a good analogy or a good synonym for me, the lens.
[00:01:02.520]Yeah, and the lens is I feel like something is missing
[00:01:07.290]but it's hard to put my finger on what it is.
[00:01:10.140]And it isn't one of the main things that we think about
[00:01:13.380]like death of a family member.
[00:01:14.970]It isn't this like calculated controlled
[00:01:19.020]kind of clear thing, it's ambiguous.
[00:01:23.280]Sort of jello like in a way.
[00:01:24.870]Yeah.
[00:01:25.830]Okay, well, once you think you've experienced
[00:01:29.340]that kind of loss, whether it's a family or an individual
[00:01:32.370]or any other sort of group I guess,
[00:01:36.360]let's talk about some steps that can be taken
[00:01:38.640]to improve that situation.
[00:01:40.860]So even before we talk about the steps to improve it
[00:01:43.830]I think it's good to kind of step back and say
[00:01:45.690]one of the hardest things about it is identifying it.
[00:01:48.780]Is noticing when I've experienced something
[00:01:51.330]that's an ambiguous loss.
[00:01:52.950]And sometimes it's clear when we have a family member
[00:01:56.130]that becomes ill, it's this single incident.
[00:01:59.880]But sometimes ambiguous loss is an accumulation of things.
[00:02:03.870]And so even for me I just had a whole bunch of chickens
[00:02:08.850]that were killed by a raccoon.
[00:02:10.410]And under normal circumstances that's a heavy thing,
[00:02:13.530]a hard thing.
[00:02:14.520]But sometimes when work stress is there
[00:02:17.130]and health is a struggle and you've got all these other
[00:02:20.160]things going on and something like that hits,
[00:02:22.860]it becomes more significant.
[00:02:24.960]And so I think the other piece of ambiguous loss is
[00:02:27.960]that there's a lot of times a bunch of minor things
[00:02:31.470]that accumulate to kind of a loss of what should have been
[00:02:34.890]a normal beginning to the summer.
[00:02:38.250]And so I think identifying it can sometimes
[00:02:40.650]be a big challenge.
[00:02:42.810]I think once we identify it,
[00:02:44.940]it's really about there are things I can do myself.
[00:02:48.390]There are things I can do in conjunction with other people.
[00:02:51.750]And the things I can do myself are
[00:02:54.960]to really be conscientious of it.
[00:02:57.540]So Brene Brown, an author of kind of vulnerability
[00:03:00.300]and shame and courage, she talks about naming things
[00:03:04.410]and the power in naming kind of an experience
[00:03:07.410]that we're having.
[00:03:08.670]And so I think one of the first things we can do
[00:03:10.470]once we've recognized I think I'm feeling a loss
[00:03:13.620]of something, I'm missing something and that's hard for me.
[00:03:17.790]One of the first things we can do is just to name it,
[00:03:20.040]I'm experiencing ambiguous loss.
[00:03:22.740]And that allows us to then take action.
[00:03:25.770]And some of the things we can do internally
[00:03:27.930]are to recognize how we're responding to it.
[00:03:31.710]Our body has a tendency to do things
[00:03:34.260]when we get in stressful situations.
[00:03:36.480]And when we went through the pandemic
[00:03:39.090]and everything that was associated with the last
[00:03:41.490]several years for us all,
[00:03:44.070]there's been an accumulation of stresses.
[00:03:47.850]And that accumulation of stresses can function like a loss.
[00:03:52.860]And so I think taking time to think about it
[00:03:56.640]and to write in journals is another good one
[00:04:00.240]because when our brain gets heavy in the kind of loss
[00:04:04.050]and heaviness of things, our brain goes into the side
[00:04:08.010]of the brain that's really in charge of emotions.
[00:04:10.560]And the emotion side of the brain and the logic side
[00:04:13.680]of the brain are opposites.
[00:04:15.720]And so when we're heavy into emotion,
[00:04:17.910]one of the ways that we can get the logic part of the brain
[00:04:20.280]to reengage is by talking or by writing.
[00:04:23.760]And so using language helps us keep the logical side
[00:04:27.780]of the brain engaged with the emotional side.
[00:04:30.690]And so when we feel that loss and we're feeling heavy
[00:04:33.660]and we're feeling overwhelmed and we're feeling sad,
[00:04:36.600]to be able to say to ourselves I'm feeling sad
[00:04:39.090]because of this, and I'm responding in a way
[00:04:43.950]that allows me to feel sad but also I need to kind of work
[00:04:49.050]through some of those things and so I can write about it.
[00:04:51.420]And so working through some of those things
[00:04:53.160]is that making it tangible
[00:04:55.320]whereas before it might have been more diffuse
[00:04:57.300]and bouncing around in your mind?
[00:04:59.550]Yeah, and we hear a lot of times people say,
[00:05:02.160]don't ask why.
[00:05:03.180]And that's not really good for understanding ourselves.
[00:05:06.390]And so asking ourselves, not why did this happen to me
[00:05:09.480]but what is it that I'm feeling right now?
[00:05:11.520]Why am I responding in this way?
[00:05:14.790]And so I think one of the things that you asked is
[00:05:18.060]kind of like, can we think about it and understand like
[00:05:22.080]why am I feeling like this after this?
[00:05:24.660]And so then writing down like, what is this?
[00:05:26.910]What are the pieces of it?
[00:05:28.680]So you've done a great job of explaining things that
[00:05:31.470]each of us who experience ambiguous loss can do ourselves.
[00:05:35.850]There are help groups as well that specialize
[00:05:38.670]in this sort of thing too?
[00:05:39.870]There are, and I think that there are formal health groups
[00:05:43.020]and professional health groups
[00:05:44.550]and those might be a grief and loss group
[00:05:47.910]and there are many communities that have those.
[00:05:50.340]But it could also be just a church group.
[00:05:52.290]It could be a group of neighbors,
[00:05:53.700]it could be a group of farmers who get together
[00:05:56.340]in the morning for coffee.
[00:05:57.240]Sure.
[00:05:58.073]And we sit around and we have coffee
[00:05:59.040]and we talk about stuff and we talk to each other.
[00:06:01.650]And I trust these guys.
[00:06:02.970]And I don't have to get emotional with things.
[00:06:05.850]I just have to say, man, this is terrible, this is tough.
[00:06:09.870]And they have to say, yeah, I agree, it's tough.
[00:06:12.720]And there's a connection that happens.
[00:06:14.400]And so informal groups can be powerful support too.
[00:06:18.450]And we can talk to family
[00:06:19.560]and we can talk to friends and neighbors.
[00:06:22.200]Formal groups there's like the grief recovery groups
[00:06:24.900]and so forth.
[00:06:25.733]We can talk to therapists.
[00:06:27.030]And one of the things the pandemic has done
[00:06:29.970]is it's expanded the accessibility of distance therapy
[00:06:34.110]which is in a state like ours, critical.
[00:06:36.390]Yes.
[00:06:37.223]Because have so many communities, so many counties
[00:06:39.570]that don't have therapists.
[00:06:41.070]But today you can see a therapist in Lincoln
[00:06:43.200]when you live in Arthur County and it doesn't matter.
[00:06:45.840]Right.
[00:06:46.673]And they can provide great service to you.
[00:06:48.870]And so distance isn't a limiter for people needing
[00:06:52.410]to access mental health services.
[00:06:55.680]When you talk about accessing mental health services,
[00:06:58.830]I would imagine that it helps selecting someone
[00:07:01.980]whether it's the informal group
[00:07:04.500]or the more formal therapy along the lines of that someone
[00:07:08.580]has experienced this themselves.
[00:07:11.520]That they have this group, this coffee clutch or whatever
[00:07:15.240]it is.
[00:07:16.170]They've been through some pretty hard things.
[00:07:17.640]They've lost their wife or they've had a son who ran away
[00:07:21.960]or something like that.
[00:07:23.430]If they've been there themselves
[00:07:24.720]I would imagine that helps a lot.
[00:07:26.640]I think it does.
[00:07:27.473]I think the interesting thing about ambiguous loss
[00:07:29.640]is we've all been there.
[00:07:30.600]Yeah.
[00:07:31.530]Especially if we're thinking about the last several years.
[00:07:35.760]I mean, you look at the young people who missed out on proms
[00:07:39.000]and graduations.
[00:07:40.140]And you also look at any group who missed out on just time
[00:07:45.210]with other people.
[00:07:46.710]And so I think one of the things that can happen with this
[00:07:49.050]is when you can identify it,
[00:07:51.570]you can get people to also realize,
[00:07:53.850]hey, I've been there too.
[00:07:55.890]All right, well, Cody, thanks for sharing
[00:07:57.930]this time with us.
[00:07:58.763]You've given us some real important steps
[00:08:01.380]and provided us some good steps, some good information
[00:08:04.770]and ways we can seek additional help.
[00:08:07.860]And I want to thank you for watching this video.
[00:08:10.260]For help with other parts of ambiguous loss,
[00:08:12.960]click on the other videos found on this webpage.
[00:08:15.659](upbeat music)

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Ambiguous Loss and Agriculture - Support and Help with Dr. Cody Hollist - full interview

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