Healing From Sexual Trauma

Kamilah Willingham Author

09/22/2022 Added

40 Plays

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Writer, survivor and activist Kamilah Willingham shares her process for healing from sexual trauma.

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[00:00:04.079]Good evening everyone!
[00:00:05.719]It's so nice to see all of you and I am
[00:00:07.755]delighted to welcome you to the 2022
[00:00:10.450]Women's and Gender Studies Annual Lecture.
[00:00:13.110]I'm Shari Stenberg, Director of Women's
[00:00:15.490]and Gender Studies. Before I introduce
[00:00:17.719]our wonderful speaker, I would like to
[00:00:19.655]thank our many co-sponsors who helped
[00:00:22.066]make this terrific event possible. The
[00:00:24.315]University Program Council, The College
[00:00:27.013]of Arts and Sciences' IDEA Committee, The
[00:00:29.525]Chancellor's Commission on the Status of
[00:00:31.905]Women, the Honor's Program, the LGBTQA+
[00:00:36.323]and Women's Centers, the Institute for
[00:00:38.936]Ethnic Studies, and the Departments of
[00:00:41.348]Educational Psychology and Psychology,
[00:00:43.785]and the College of Arts and Sciences. I
[00:00:46.315]would like to thank my 'partner in crime'
[00:00:49.015]Rose Holz, the Associate Director who has
[00:00:51.635]advertised this early and often, our
[00:00:54.715]Administrative Tech, Amy Peterson, who
[00:00:57.085]helped design our flyers, and Frances
[00:01:00.086]Goeschel for her help with planning and
[00:01:01.995]publicizing the event. I also want to
[00:01:04.305]recognize WGS Core Faculty, Katy Holland,
[00:01:07.195]Emily Kazyak and Jen Kruse for their
[00:01:09.581]support. We wanted to make sure to
[00:01:12.895]reserve some time for students to talk
[00:01:15.751]with Kamilah, in a kind of meet and greet
[00:01:18.506]after the formal lecture, and a general
[00:01:20.987]Q & A, so at about 8:15, we'll end the
[00:01:24.364]lecture and save some time for you
[00:01:26.463]students to talk with Kamilah.
[00:01:29.225]So it is my great honor tonight to
[00:01:31.515]introduce you to our esteemed speaker,
[00:01:33.822]a survivor, an activist, and a visionary,
[00:01:38.344]Ms. Kamilah Willingham. As many of you
[00:01:41.455]know, last Fall, our Campus saw many days
[00:01:44.735]of student-led protests, following a
[00:01:47.035]reported rape at a fraternity house. More
[00:01:49.953]than 20% of women and 5% of men are
[00:01:52.325]sexually assaulted while at college. A
[00:01:54.417]number that is higher for members of BIPOC
[00:01:56.755]and LGBTQA+ communities. It is our
[00:01:59.945]intention that our WGS Annual Lecture
[00:02:03.235]serves as a space of dialogue,
[00:02:05.215]inspiration, and problem solving for the
[00:02:07.765]gender-based issues in and beyond the
[00:02:10.055]community. We knew it was vital for our
[00:02:12.915]2022 lecture to center the voice of an
[00:02:16.279]intersectional activist and survivor,
[00:02:18.905]like Ms. Willingham. Who could help us
[00:02:21.265]imagine new ways forward
[00:02:23.135]for survivors, for our University, and for our culture.
[00:02:26.917]We were thrilled when she accepted our
[00:02:29.698]invitation. Ms. Willingham, a graduate of
[00:02:32.198]Harvard Law School, has dedicated her
[00:02:34.616]career to addressing the consequences
[00:02:36.999]of patriarchy and misogyny, at the
[00:02:39.706]intersections of race and sex. To
[00:02:41.949]illustrate how our culture, norms and
[00:02:44.586]institutions are complicit in sexual
[00:02:46.776]violence and misconduct. Ms. Willingham
[00:02:49.296]courageously shared her experience of
[00:02:51.706]sexual assault and institutional betrayal,
[00:02:54.712]in the award-winning documentary, "The
[00:02:57.036]Hunting Ground," which allowed other
[00:02:59.366]survivors to feel recognized, seen and
[00:03:02.521]heard. And made a national audience aware
[00:03:05.479]of a problem that has for too long
[00:03:07.629]remained hidden and inadequately
[00:03:09.299]addressed. In 2016, Kamilah spearheaded
[00:03:12.685]the viral social media campaign, "Just
[00:03:14.959]Say Sorry." The campaign encouraged
[00:03:17.524]survivors of campus sexual assaults
[00:03:19.334]and gender-based violence to petition
[00:03:20.975]for an apology from their institutions,
[00:03:23.245]calling attention to the resilience
[00:03:24.955]of survivors, and the failures of
[00:03:27.131]schools to submit to basic measures
[00:03:29.238]of accountability. She has trained a
[00:03:31.499]variety of stakeholders, from prison guards
[00:03:33.905]to campus officials, on
[00:03:35.265]their responsibilities to prevent and
[00:03:37.255]address sexual violence among their
[00:03:39.013]ranks, and within their environments.
[00:03:41.367]Across her work, Ms. Willingham explores
[00:03:43.986]healing from trauma as a path to
[00:03:46.676]resistance and to revolution. We are
[00:03:49.946]delighted to welcome Ms. Kamilah
[00:03:51.986]Willingham to UNL this evening.
[00:03:54.236](clapping then silence)
[00:04:03.706]Okay, I think I'm on; I'm on. Thank you
[00:04:06.521]all so much for being here. Thank you for
[00:04:09.051]that beautiful introduction.
[00:04:11.040]I'm still getting used to hearing myself,
[00:04:15.670]I'm adjusting here. Sometimes I'll find
[00:04:19.580]myself standing behind a podium far from
[00:04:23.130]home, in a room full of people who know
[00:04:25.040]that I was raped in law school, and I'll
[00:04:27.280]think, how on Earth did I get here? I am
[00:04:30.204]an intensely private person, and I'm
[00:04:32.590]actually, I have social anxiety that's
[00:04:36.430]rooted in a deep awareness of people's
[00:04:40.263]perceptions of and reactions to me.
[00:04:43.530]So whenever I'm introduced, I'm often
[00:04:45.580]scanning the faces of people in the
[00:04:47.510]audience, like 'why did you come to hear
[00:04:49.550]me talk?' And 'Are you gonna like me?' or
[00:04:51.960]'Do you think I'm smart?' Because I
[00:04:53.829]really want you to, I can't help it. I
[00:04:57.939]am confident in my skills as a
[00:04:59.423]public speaker; I'm also, very
[00:05:01.797]uncomfortable. In a talk about healing
[00:05:04.439]from sexual violence, I feel like it's
[00:05:06.849]important and appropriate
[00:05:08.223]that I be transparent about that.
[00:05:10.106]This is what I do. Or, at least, what I'm
[00:05:12.916]known for doing. Talking about and
[00:05:16.556]engaging with violence. The violence
[00:05:18.686]that I've experienced, for existing as a
[00:05:20.959]woman, as a Black woman, and the
[00:05:22.983]violence I've endured for
[00:05:24.253]speaking out about that violence. As I
[00:05:27.823]understand it, people invite me to speak
[00:05:30.883]to their communities because I tell
[00:05:32.594]my story in a way that resonates with
[00:05:34.573]others. Because it is like so many others.
[00:05:36.800]I know that what happened to me wasn't
[00:05:38.950]unique, it wasn't original, and the pain
[00:05:42.653]that emerged, as deeply internal and
[00:05:45.639]isolating as it felt, is extremely, or
[00:05:49.639]it's part of a collective pain that
[00:05:52.205]connects so much of the
[00:05:53.635]world's population.
[00:05:54.843]I learned to speak about that pain
[00:05:56.780]in a way that can make space for others
[00:05:59.503]to acknowledge the fullness of their own.
[00:06:03.901]So that others can feel the freedom that
[00:06:06.061]might follow when we're able to
[00:06:07.651]acknowledge and name the nature of our
[00:06:09.511]wounds, as a first step towards both
[00:06:11.761]healing and resistance. I know that I'm
[00:06:14.901]here also because I resisted and fought
[00:06:17.701]back in a very public way. I exposed,
[00:06:21.051]protested, challenged the consequences
[00:06:24.561]of sexual violence and the factors that
[00:06:26.671]enable it, in a way that resonated
[00:06:28.651]for better or worse with a lot of people.
[00:06:31.271]I once said that I would do this kind of
[00:06:33.251]work as long as it felt sustainable to
[00:06:35.251]me, and then, one day, I woke up and
[00:06:37.531]realized it did not, anymore, (pause)
[00:06:42.571]and it hadn't for a
[00:06:43.731]long time, so I stopped, and that was
[00:06:45.881]about five years ago. So, this is a
[00:06:48.725]kind of coming out for me, after a long
[00:06:51.855]period of stillness and transformation
[00:06:54.205]that's part of why I feel so
[00:06:56.685]vulnerable. I'm back here trying out
[00:07:00.685]something that's new for me, a little
[00:07:02.845]bit, a different way of approaching the
[00:07:06.285]work, and also a new way of sharing that
[00:07:08.795]newness, is one of the million reasons
[00:07:11.121]that I'm just a little bit terrified
[00:07:12.941]to stand up here before you all.
[00:07:14.983]I'm not here to wrestle with my trauma
[00:07:17.923]in front of you, to validate it for myself
[00:07:20.855]and others like me. I'm not here to talk
[00:07:23.222]back to rape culture, and oppressive
[00:07:25.583]myths. I'm not here to tell you what
[00:07:27.433]motivates me to fight so I can motivate
[00:07:29.743]you to fight, or to change hearts and
[00:07:31.613]minds, and I'm certainly not here to
[00:07:33.766]debate with anyone about the nature
[00:07:35.466]of patriarchy. I'm here to talk about
[00:07:42.554]healing, in a relatively raw way, from
[00:07:46.786]a perspective that I merged into
[00:07:48.466]after cocooning myself for years after
[00:07:50.845]finally turning inward, to cultivate
[00:07:53.001]both myself, and a vision for a future
[00:07:55.932]that isn't centered on the same violent
[00:07:58.490]forces that I've been fighting my
[00:08:00.069]whole life to recover myself from.
[00:08:02.039]This perspective, this approach to
[00:08:05.299]healing, it's not necessarily original,
[00:08:08.139]and it's not even super coherent. Just
[00:08:10.779]to check your expectations. I can't
[00:08:13.729]give you a step-by-step guide to linear
[00:08:16.559]healing, because I don't think that
[00:08:18.560]exists. And I'm not a trauma therapist.
[00:08:26.149]I'm a storyteller, so I'm going to tell
[00:08:28.099]the story of what I've learned about
[00:08:31.459]healing from sexual violence and how I got
[00:08:33.869]there, in the hopes that some of what I
[00:08:36.029]say here will resonate with anyone who
[00:08:38.199]is still wrestling with their own trauma
[00:08:40.439]or anyone who is carrying the burden and
[00:08:42.759]the weight of collective trauma, and
[00:08:44.519]looking for a more sustainable way
[00:08:46.199]to fight. It's a softer kind of
[00:08:49.669]resistance, but one that's just as
[00:08:51.489]powerful, I think, as waking up every day
[00:08:53.929]ready to channel your rage into a
[00:08:55.939]fight. I also want to acknowledge
[00:08:57.809]that I'm not the only person who's
[00:08:59.809]brought my vulnerability here into this
[00:09:01.877]space; I know that there are other
[00:09:05.180]survivors in the room. Thank you so much
[00:09:07.870]for being here. I know that we're
[00:09:10.650]engaging in a really sensitive
[00:09:12.280]subject, and we don't all share the same
[00:09:15.170]framework or perspective. The framework
[00:09:17.330]I'm approaching the subject from is
[00:09:27.047]this: "sexual violence is an intimate,
[00:09:28.907]personal harm. And it's also a political
[00:09:31.077]one. So in talking about healing from this
[00:09:33.517]violence, I'll also be talking about
[00:09:35.777]healing from patriarchy, white supremacy,
[00:09:38.405]and other intersecting and oppressive
[00:09:41.545]social systems. As a Black woman, I
[00:09:44.715]experience sexual violence as an attack
[00:09:47.000]on my identity as a woman and as a Black
[00:09:49.340]person. There is no separating sexist from
[00:09:54.336]racist violence when you're situated at
[00:09:56.283]their intersection. So for the same
[00:09:58.513]reason I can see clearly their individual
[00:10:00.763]struggles for personal healing, peace
[00:10:02.943]and transformation, are inextricably
[00:10:04.843]linked to broader social justice
[00:10:06.593]struggles. I am accustomed to,
[00:10:10.348]and always prepared for a range of
[00:10:12.511]reactions when I talk about these things.
[00:10:16.223]From understanding and compassion,
[00:10:19.313]to defensiveness and apathy, solidarity,
[00:10:22.694]outrage, guilt, grief, skepticism,
[00:10:26.343]whatever you feel is valid.
[00:10:29.021]I understand that you've chosen to come
[00:10:31.711]here, and your presence indicates a
[00:10:33.799]certain willingness to be uncomfortable.
[00:10:36.381]I thank you for that. I want you to know
[00:10:38.721]that I will do everything in my power
[00:10:41.007]to make sure that you feel safe here. I
[00:10:43.141]will hold space for you, and respect
[00:10:45.341]you, however you've shown up here
[00:10:47.441]tonight. All I ask is that you give me the
[00:10:49.801]same respect. I'm going to take a deep
[00:10:54.766]breath, before I dive in here;
[00:10:56.441]you're welcome to join me, because
[00:10:58.631]it can be a lot. Alright.
[00:11:09.227]Okay, so I know I just gave you a whole
[00:11:11.117]list of things I'm not about to do here,
[00:11:13.347]and I said that a step-by-step guide was
[00:11:15.257]one of them, but, last week I was thinking
[00:11:18.167]about what I'd say here, and I wondered
[00:11:20.707]'what if I did it?' like what if I put
[00:11:22.737]together a coherent list of things that
[00:11:26.714]helped me work through my own trauma.
[00:11:30.708]So it's a little list, like things that I
[00:11:33.678]imagined could have been helpful for me
[00:11:35.588]when I was ready for them. And then I was
[00:11:37.808]looking at it, and I realized that it
[00:11:39.718]would continue to be a resource to me,
[00:11:41.548]possibly forever. So I decided to rewrite
[00:11:43.888]this whole lecture five days ago, so I
[00:11:47.411]could share this with you. I wish I was
[00:11:50.280]joking, but I'm not. So here it is, it's
[00:11:54.380]not at all linear, because I really
[00:11:56.216]don't think that exists. It's a little
[00:11:58.200]vague, and a little circular, and that
[00:12:01.070]feels like the way that it needs to be.
[00:12:04.948]One important pre-condition that I can't
[00:12:07.210]gloss over, my basic needs are MET and
[00:12:11.622]have been for the majority of this
[00:12:13.332]process. I'm privileged to have food
[00:12:15.501]security, and a home where I'm safe and
[00:12:18.327]free from violence. I'm not sure what I
[00:12:21.120]would have been able to do with this list
[00:12:23.142]if I didn't have those things. I do not
[00:12:25.509]know what healing looks like for someone
[00:12:27.772]who doesn't have those things; I do know
[00:12:30.104]that part of the work of collective
[00:12:31.822]healing requires us to help safeguard
[00:12:34.937]these basic necessities for everyone and
[00:12:38.184]to interrogate the reasons they're not
[00:12:40.241]universal. Also, I can't gloss over the
[00:12:42.232]fact that I've had access to therapy, and
[00:12:44.632]support groups, and I really can't say
[00:12:46.788]enough about how helpful that's been,
[00:12:48.602]especially when I felt stuck.
[00:12:50.172]So the first step on my fun list is:
[00:12:55.113]Assess the Wound. Look at it without
[00:12:59.278]reservation, know it's contours,
[00:13:01.725]and it's context, study the wound
[00:13:03.445]and it's causes. Work to overcome the
[00:13:07.445]fear of fully acknowledging it. Is it
[00:13:10.885]still harming you? Know that too. It's
[00:13:13.325]about awareness. And honestly, this can be
[00:13:17.325]the hardest part, it was for me, at
[00:13:19.725]least. Nobody wants to be a victim.
[00:13:22.465]It can be scary, and extremely
[00:13:24.465]uncomfortable to lean into this kind of
[00:13:26.514]awareness, especially when you're just
[00:13:28.405]trying to survive. I'm going to spend a
[00:13:31.101]lot of time talking about this part,
[00:13:33.265]because I spent a lot of time in it.
[00:13:35.684]Number Two, Listen to Your Body. If your
[00:13:39.684]body keeps the score, let your body be
[00:13:42.868]the guide. If it's telling you to fight,
[00:13:44.776]then fight; if it's telling you to flee,
[00:13:47.482]then take flight. If it's telling you to
[00:13:49.843]be still, really allow yourself that
[00:13:53.023]stillness. Know that this moment doesn't
[00:13:56.462]define you; it's a process, and time is
[00:13:59.113]irrelevant; it takes as long as it takes.
[00:14:01.753]Number Three: Come Home to Yourself
[00:14:09.384]Revisit the wound and reflect; what have
[00:14:12.864]you gained, what have you lost, what are
[00:14:15.974]you carrying? What would unburdened
[00:14:18.510]wholeness feel like, and look like to
[00:14:21.204]you? If you could raise yourself
[00:14:23.304]as a child starting today, what would
[00:14:25.702]THAT look like? How would you hold
[00:14:28.134]yourself? If you could imagine a
[00:14:30.393]community, a world to nourish and
[00:14:32.673]receive you, what would it look like?
[00:14:35.510]Four. Nourish Your Imagination.
[00:14:38.593]Create that whole self and that imagined
[00:14:41.130]world in whatever ways feel possible, big
[00:14:43.533]or small. Lean into possibility. Plant
[00:14:47.153]seeds and water them. Hold onto any peace
[00:14:49.653]that you find, and share it.
[00:14:53.653]Number Five. Return to Step One.
[00:14:57.653]I'm so sorry, but you're not done, and
[00:15:00.330]you never will be. Released shame and
[00:15:03.314]expectation, know that you will likely
[00:15:06.933]spend the rest of your life healing
[00:15:09.513]yourself, healing the collective. This
[00:15:12.293]is growth, it's cyclical, like every
[00:15:14.223]other natural process. This is the work
[00:15:16.693]that sustains us, and makes all other
[00:15:19.253]work possible. I'm not happy about the
[00:15:23.253]fifth step either, I really wanted it to
[00:15:26.563]look different, I wanted to be able to
[00:15:28.839]put a pretty little bow on it, and
[00:15:31.444]tell you that I found the destination,
[00:15:33.822]the end point of this messy progress
[00:15:36.473]narrative, but I would have to force
[00:15:38.242]it, and I'd have to lie to myself,
[00:15:40.152]and to you all, and I couldn't do it. So.
[00:15:43.662]Here's my story and how I've been moving
[00:15:47.662]through it all. For years, my work was
[00:15:51.662]identifying the nature of the violence
[00:15:53.662]that I'd experienced and the harm
[00:15:55.456]it caused, both in my individual case and
[00:15:58.286]of course connected to a larger context
[00:16:00.676]of systemic violence and collective
[00:16:02.396]trauma. In my first full-time job out
[00:16:06.236]of law school, I immersed myself in work,
[00:16:08.696]addressing sexual violence in prisons and
[00:16:11.206]jails, and other forms of detention.
[00:16:13.446]The survivors I worked with represented
[00:16:15.936]dramatically different context and
[00:16:18.760]perspectives from mine; they were
[00:16:20.516]poor, disabled, trans, literal social
[00:16:23.656]outcasts, and they were also survivors of
[00:16:26.860]extreme state violence. I knew that our
[00:16:29.209]stories and struggles were connected by
[00:16:31.525]the same larger systems of violence, even
[00:16:33.590]those in which I was confused
[00:16:35.165]and ashamed to admit that I was
[00:16:37.040]complicit. I knew that their freedom
[00:16:39.222]would be my freedom. I could easily
[00:16:41.760]pursue a version of freedom that didn't
[00:16:43.671]include them, but
[00:16:45.151]it would be hollow and illusory, and I
[00:16:47.172]think that knowledge would have haunted
[00:16:49.080]me, however hard I try to suppress it.
[00:16:52.188]During that time, I was also deeply
[00:16:55.212]invested in pursuing accountability from
[00:16:57.415]my own rape, I was years into the process
[00:17:00.229]and still hurting in ways that I was
[00:17:02.300]afraid to fully acknowledge. A man had
[00:17:07.149]raped me. He had been my classmate,
[00:17:10.609]my peer, my friend. There were a few
[00:17:14.621]people at that school who I trusted and
[00:17:16.908]felt had really seen me, and he was
[00:17:20.265]one of them. And that night he revealed
[00:17:23.333]and forcefully imposed on me a view
[00:17:25.796]of our relationship and my place in
[00:17:27.836]the world. In his view, I, with all my
[00:17:31.146]rich humanity, should be reduced at any
[00:17:33.586]moment, to a canvas on which a man could
[00:17:35.825]paint his superiority. To him, like so
[00:17:40.589]many others in our society, this was my
[00:17:43.104]place, my function, and my purpose,
[00:17:45.131]subordination. He wasn't the first
[00:17:47.676]person to express their entitlement to
[00:17:49.917]dominion over me in that way, but it was
[00:17:52.467]so, this betrayal was so egregious, and
[00:17:55.516]so unexpected that it cut me in a way
[00:17:57.766]that others hadn't. Or maybe it was just
[00:18:00.460]the last straw for me. The one that made
[00:18:03.855]me realize that my back was bent and
[00:18:05.760]finally breaking. Or breaking all along.
[00:18:08.380]Either way, I knew that I couldn't quietly
[00:18:11.134]absorb that attack the way that I may
[00:18:13.170]have in the past, I couldn't
[00:18:14.610]carry on and suppress it. Because I could
[00:18:16.925]already feel it, carving me out, and I
[00:18:19.450]didn't know what to do about it, but I
[00:18:22.100]knew that if I did nothing, it
[00:18:23.620]would be the end of me, you know? So I
[00:18:26.700]began to pursue accountability as a form
[00:18:28.602]of protest, as a way of refusing to
[00:18:31.200]silently carry that wound, and instead,
[00:18:33.435]trying to force those who are responsible
[00:18:36.612]to own it and carry it with me.
[00:18:38.669]Because it really wasn't just him. He
[00:18:40.907]behaved that way because he knew that he
[00:18:42.822]would be allowed to get away with it. And
[00:18:45.082]who was allowing him to get away with it?
[00:18:47.622]First, in the immediate aftermath, I
[00:18:50.512]tried to have a conversation with him.
[00:18:53.532]But I could see that there was no moral
[00:18:55.487]compass to appeal to, only opportunistic
[00:18:57.642]self-preservation. So I took my protest
[00:19:00.917]to a couple of peers in our social
[00:19:02.664]circles, and, with few exceptions, they
[00:19:05.562]made clear that they did not want to hear
[00:19:08.052]it. Maybe it was another form of self-
[00:19:11.132]preservation. I went to my school's
[00:19:14.392]administration and anticipating the same
[00:19:17.546]kind of response, I went to the criminal
[00:19:19.682]legal system, and its many gatekeepers.
[00:19:22.240]Police, district attorneys, judges and
[00:19:24.902]juries. When I had the opportunity, I
[00:19:28.182]took my protest, I took my protest public,
[00:19:32.019]in the media. And when my story merged
[00:19:34.782]with the public face of the movement
[00:19:36.844]against campus sexual assault, I felt the
[00:19:39.329]vindictive energy of a full-fledged
[00:19:41.675]cultural and political backlash come down
[00:19:43.782]on me. My protests necessarily expanded
[00:19:47.031]and so did my wound. These were things
[00:19:50.662]I'd seen some survivors do, or at least
[00:19:53.655]attempt; they were all working against
[00:19:56.056]the odds, because the institutions that
[00:19:58.382]we have to rely on, so rarely protect or
[00:20:02.212]address the harms inflicted on people
[00:20:04.359]in our position. We lie to ourselves and
[00:20:07.580]talk about these systems as if they're
[00:20:09.532]broken, but they're operating the way
[00:20:11.377]they were designed to. And I thought that
[00:20:13.961]these survivors were so brave for testing
[00:20:16.724]these institutions and the public
[00:20:18.608]with their demands for acknowledgement,
[00:20:20.593]accountability and justice. I put women
[00:20:24.181]like Desiree Washington, Anita Hill,
[00:20:26.852]Christy Bancala on a pedestal, but when
[00:20:29.592]people called me brave, I felt
[00:20:32.347]fraudulent. Strong, yes, I knew I had to
[00:20:35.550]be strong to survive, but when I was
[00:20:37.835]going through it, it didn't feel like
[00:20:39.702]courage; I felt like I'd been stripped
[00:20:42.522]down to a most-urgent and numbing
[00:20:45.895]sense of desperation. I felt like I'd been
[00:20:48.521]backed into a corner, and was fighting
[00:20:50.332]for my life with the best tools I could
[00:20:52.202]find. I was desperate to end this kind of
[00:20:55.705]violence, and exposure felt like the best
[00:20:57.658]way. I was also desperate to survive.
[00:21:00.403]And out of that desperation, I subjected
[00:21:04.653]myself to the same administrative
[00:21:06.752]and legal systems that were designed to
[00:21:08.967]uphold the very social order that he had
[00:21:11.778]imposed on me that night. What he had
[00:21:14.175]done to me, the arrogance of his
[00:21:16.389]expectation of my subordination and
[00:21:18.839]silence, was as deeply racist and
[00:21:22.019]misogynistic as were the institutions
[00:21:24.725]that I turned on to validate
[00:21:26.469]my injury. Are you all still with me, or
[00:21:29.159]should I break that down a little bit?
[00:21:30.989][A] Can you break that down
[00:21:32.273]a little bit? (KW] I will. I've got
[00:21:33.939]time, thank you. In the spirit of
[00:21:37.719]assessing the wound, and its context,
[00:21:40.360]let's look at the legacy of rape on this
[00:21:43.800]continent. Specifically the foundational
[00:21:45.949]rapes of women of color. The enslavement,
[00:21:50.935]rape, and defilement of Indigenous
[00:21:53.102]womens' bodies was instrumental to the
[00:21:55.462]early colonist's campaign to dominate
[00:21:57.350]and impose the laws of ownership on the
[00:21:59.306]land. It was a genocidal campaign,
[00:22:02.296]justified by both British legal constructs
[00:22:04.786]and patriarchal white supremacist
[00:22:07.010]ideology, that characterized brown
[00:22:09.607]womens' bodies as dirty, primative,
[00:22:12.157]and deserving of violence. Those same
[00:22:16.563]ideologies and legal traditions also
[00:22:18.750]justified the rapes of kidnapped African
[00:22:21.117]women on this soil. These rapes were
[00:22:23.840]prolific, and as ingrained in America's
[00:22:29.667]origin story as they are in my own.
[00:22:32.897]As Caroline Randall Williams wrote,
[00:22:35.267]in her essay, "My Body is a Monument,"
[00:22:37.783]which I highly recommend, 'I have rape-
[00:22:39.887]colored skin,' she said, "the Black
[00:22:43.087]people we come from were owned and raped
[00:22:45.237]by the white people we come from."
[00:22:47.646]So this story lives in my DNA, and in
[00:22:50.504]America's. The routine denial of Black
[00:22:53.876]womens' dignity and bodily autonomy
[00:22:56.441]is as foundational to American racism
[00:22:58.940]and capitalism as chattel slavery itself.
[00:23:02.503]Slavery, the economy, and the whole of
[00:23:05.493]the American empire were built on and
[00:23:07.580]sustained by our rapes. And the
[00:23:09.990]institutions that I turned to - Harvard,
[00:23:12.758]the original American academy, and the
[00:23:15.246]criminal legal system were literally
[00:23:17.060]powered by and built to legitimize
[00:23:19.390]and safeguard the same systems that
[00:23:24.301]historically demanded and made
[00:23:25.980]lucrative the rapes of Black and
[00:23:27.710]Indigenous women. Folks can call
[00:23:30.923]it 'ancient history' all they want, and
[00:23:33.370]I hear that a lot, but that legacy is
[00:23:35.233]alive and well in American culture, and
[00:23:37.982]it's experienced by all of us whose lives
[00:23:40.538]are touched by these institutions. And I
[00:23:43.977]felt every step of the way after I
[00:23:46.680]reported my rape as I submitted the story
[00:23:49.732]of my victimization, which was a demand
[00:23:51.768]for the recognition of my inherent
[00:23:53.643]dignity to these administrative and legal
[00:23:56.131]processes.
[00:24:04.654]I want to pause, also, to acknowledge
[00:24:10.426]the absurdity of our culture's insistence
[00:24:12.654]that every survivor, if they want their
[00:24:15.092]story to be heard and perceived as valid,
[00:24:19.265]has a duty to submit themselves to these
[00:24:21.536]reporting endeavors. Amongst the first
[00:24:24.290]questions we're so often asked, after the
[00:24:27.375]'what were you wearing' and 'what did you
[00:24:29.405]do to bring this on yourself' questions,
[00:24:31.935]were 'who did you tell?',
[00:24:33.181]'are you going to report it?'
[00:24:34.635]'When are you going to
[00:24:35.794]the authorities?' 'Why did it take you so
[00:24:37.875]long?' I want to say that people don't
[00:24:39.975]know what they're asking of us, but I
[00:24:42.045]don't know sometimes. I think on one level
[00:24:46.692]it's a way of refusing to engage, a way of
[00:24:49.885]deferring responsibility. It's so much
[00:24:52.716]easier to funnel all of these ugly
[00:24:54.567]stories and responsibility for them into
[00:24:56.930]some mythologized authority in some
[00:25:00.029]supposedly unbiased voracious
[00:25:03.266]arbiter of justice than to ask ourselves
[00:25:06.063]how we each contribute to the harms that
[00:25:08.186]we relegate to the shadows of our
[00:25:09.852]communities. I wonder what we might
[00:25:12.698]discover about ourselves, if we were
[00:25:15.105]all willing to do that work. What we
[00:25:17.943]could build, I guess. And what we might
[00:25:21.815]be capable of, if we could do that for
[00:25:25.023]each other. Accountability is absolutely
[00:25:28.815]a priority; there is no justice and no
[00:25:32.034]peace in the bigger picture without it.
[00:25:34.185]But I'm saying is that the tools that
[00:25:36.055]we have to pursue accountability are
[00:25:38.525]insufficient and often so broken that they
[00:25:41.055]end up repeating and expanding the harm
[00:25:44.201]of the original act of violence. There's
[00:25:46.206]a reason why so many survivors refer to
[00:25:48.215]the reporting process as a second rape.
[00:25:51.885]I'm saying that survivors who decide to
[00:25:53.837]bypass those institutions and systems,
[00:25:57.220]who pursue alternative routes to
[00:25:59.395]accountability, or devote themselves
[00:26:01.166]to healing in an environment in
[00:26:02.695]which there is no accountability, are
[00:26:04.535]incredibly courageous, and deserving
[00:26:07.244]of just as much support. I'm saying that
[00:26:10.453]also those of us who do dive into those
[00:26:13.286]systems, don't put us on a pedestal;
[00:26:15.741]we're also just human beings doing our
[00:26:17.972]best to carry a vile burden and not
[00:26:20.534]crumble under it all. So, as I said, I
[00:26:24.794]expanded my protests into the legal
[00:26:26.992]system and into the public eye, and the
[00:26:29.894]amount of violence that I experienced
[00:26:31.804]escalated immensely, and the wound
[00:26:34.581]expanded in a way that honestly,
[00:26:37.204]I felt that might consume me
[00:26:38.814]entirely.
[00:26:43.284]When I agreed to share my story in
[00:26:45.164]"The Hunting Ground", I somehow didn't
[00:26:48.221]anticipate how much focused and
[00:26:51.314]widespread scorn my participation
[00:26:53.794]would draw. In retrospect, being one of
[00:26:57.374]the few women of color and the only
[00:26:59.185]Black woman to share - whose story was
[00:27:02.596]featured in a mainstream U. S.
[00:27:04.169]documentary, about the rape of college
[00:27:07.564]students, which are a vulnerable but
[00:27:09.504]elevated class of Americans, and at the
[00:27:12.274]elite, sacred institution of Harvard, no
[00:27:14.334]less. Like, of course I was a
[00:27:16.374]primary target of backlash against
[00:27:18.191]the film and the movement. It was an
[00:27:20.691]actual nightmare. There were journalists
[00:27:24.285]who seemed to have made it their work to
[00:27:26.234]scrutinize, minimize, and treat with utter
[00:27:28.491]contempt any young woman who would
[00:27:30.524]accuse any man of sexual violence.
[00:27:33.596]There were men's rights activists
[00:27:35.746]who responded to the queer and women-led
[00:27:38.436]freedom movements on campuses as if they
[00:27:40.981]were a vulgar and lethal threat. There
[00:27:43.646]were the nineteen law professors from my
[00:27:45.988]school who signed an open letter and did
[00:27:48.496]media interviews vilifying me while
[00:27:50.876]valorizing and at the same time
[00:27:52.985]infantilizing my assailant. It was weird
[00:27:56.248]but effective. Like it didn't have to make
[00:27:58.386]sense it just worked. And there were tens
[00:28:01.170]of thousands of spectators who were now
[00:28:03.156]my judge and jury, many of whom ended
[00:28:04.966]up in my inbox with a litany of threats
[00:28:07.406]and insults. Some people seemed absolutely
[00:28:11.567]enraged by the fact that I existed in
[00:28:14.310]public and had a voice at all. They
[00:28:18.102]insisted that I was a liar and a crazy,
[00:28:20.673]slutty jezebel and so on, and that
[00:28:23.066]was to be expected. What got under
[00:28:25.486]my skin, and what I felt I needed to
[00:28:28.520]respond to, was how many of my new
[00:28:31.726]judges and jurors responded the same
[00:28:33.787]way that my peers and school and the
[00:28:35.746]criminal-legal system had, delivering
[00:28:38.135]a verdict that was both affirming and
[00:28:41.075]utterly condemning at the same time.
[00:28:44.425]The message I received was loud and clear:
[00:28:46.687]If I was, even if I was to be believed,
[00:28:50.196]the man who raped me, did not
[00:28:51.906]violate any social contract, I did. Over
[00:28:55.886]and over again, by insisting on and
[00:28:58.201]exposing him, and then the institutions
[00:29:01.026]that were designed to capture, contain,
[00:29:04.078]and ultimately silence my protest.
[00:29:07.334]I think I was, I felt like I became a
[00:29:10.115]symbol in many people's minds, a
[00:29:12.184]representative of a movement of
[00:29:13.707]people who are outrageously,
[00:29:15.448]inconveniently, and extremely
[00:29:17.371]uncomfortably refusing to accept our
[00:29:19.208]subordination. I felt the
[00:29:22.591]injustice beyond what that one man had
[00:29:25.398]done to me; but of the systems and the
[00:29:27.694]culture that normalized the
[00:29:29.026]kind of violence that I and so many
[00:29:30.748]others had been subjected to. It was so
[00:29:33.553]obvious, it was brazen, I wanted to expose
[00:29:37.517]it to the world, and I was motivated
[00:29:39.358]by rage and survival instinct alone.
[00:29:42.594]I could feel that story still, that
[00:29:45.372]foundationally
[00:29:46.609]American narrative about who deserves
[00:29:49.298]dignity and who has inherent value, and
[00:29:51.898]who lacks it. I could feel it eating away
[00:29:55.365]at me, like some beast that had bored
[00:29:58.300]itself into the very core of my being.
[00:30:01.275]And every instinct in my body told me
[00:30:04.118]that I needed to get it out, so just like
[00:30:06.445]get it out and send it back where it
[00:30:08.536]came from.
[00:30:14.698]This is where it gets good, you guys.
[00:30:16.539]So, my body told me to fight. I poured
[00:30:20.349]all of my energy into that fight. I
[00:30:23.402]engaged directly with violent people,
[00:30:25.798]and systems to expose their
[00:30:27.689]corruption, and try to bend them
[00:30:30.382]toward accountability and truth.
[00:30:32.012]I fought my assailant in Harvard's
[00:30:33.752]adjudicative process and the
[00:30:35.401]criminal legal system. I fought Harvard
[00:30:38.226]and the Federal Title IX complaint
[00:30:39.861]process and in the media. I fought all
[00:30:43.065]the rapists and their cheerleaders, and
[00:30:45.298]the media and culture that
[00:30:46.592]backlashed against me and the
[00:30:48.082]movement, and the schools
[00:30:50.702]betraying their students.
[00:30:54.092]I published essays and open letters,
[00:30:56.089]wrestling with violent people and
[00:30:57.800]systems. I held lectures and workshops,
[00:31:00.113]did podcasts and interviews. All the
[00:31:02.252]while, I felt like I was just holding
[00:31:04.346]between myself and my oppressors
[00:31:06.499]that destructive and vacuous ugly
[00:31:09.736]thing that I had
[00:31:10.597]been trying to
[00:31:11.364]get out of me and off of me,
[00:31:12.742]saying, 'Look! Look at this hideous
[00:31:14.922]thing that we live with, why are you
[00:31:17.018]feeding it, why are you still
[00:31:18.436]trying to shove it down our throats?
[00:31:20.462]It hurts you, too. Why can't we get
[00:31:22.696]rid of it together?' I felt heard
[00:31:27.112]sometimes, but usually by the people
[00:31:29.892]who were already inclined to listen.
[00:31:32.682]I visited dozens of schools, all over the
[00:31:35.035]U.S., sharing my fight and tapping into
[00:31:38.622]theirs. I talked about the pain that I
[00:31:41.185]carry, and the pain that we carry as
[00:31:43.257]a collective. And the power of defying
[00:31:46.132]the expectation that we'd be silent about
[00:31:48.132]that pain, instead, making it visible,
[00:31:50.862]redistributing the burden of carrying it
[00:31:53.682]all, sharing the responsibility for
[00:31:55.413]addressing it. The accountability we
[00:31:58.462]fight for is not limited to any
[00:32:00.892]individual rapist or institution,
[00:32:03.182]its universal. We're accountable to
[00:32:05.312]each other. I've spent years
[00:32:08.267]confronting all this violence, and
[00:32:10.038]at some point I grew tired of the
[00:32:13.450]way I'd been fighting. I'd prioritize
[00:32:16.692]this kind of engagement with
[00:32:18.942]oppressive ideology so deeply
[00:32:22.882]and so regularly that the work was
[00:32:25.054]no longer, it no longer felt like it
[00:32:27.102]was healing the part of me that
[00:32:29.637]they'd sunk their teeth into. Instead,
[00:32:32.352]I felt like I was, holding myself open
[00:32:35.373]to it all. I didn't feel like I was
[00:32:37.554]advancing the movement so much,
[00:32:39.190]either. My work had become so
[00:32:41.282]defensive, and so reactive, so
[00:32:45.282]dominated and shaped by the
[00:32:46.933]very forces that I was fighting. I was
[00:32:49.636]always responding to and
[00:32:51.217]anticipating the moves of those
[00:32:52.802]that were apathetic to or deeply
[00:32:54.952]invested in our oppression. And I felt
[00:32:58.186]like I would be stuck in this kind of
[00:33:00.812]contortionist's dance forever.
[00:33:10.211]So my body also required that I take
[00:33:12.135]flight in the ways that I could. The work
[00:33:15.377]was all so heavy, and so exhausting, I
[00:33:18.852]think I instinctively insulated myself.
[00:33:21.970]Emotionally and spiritually, I'd felt
[00:33:24.450]like the only way to sustain and
[00:33:26.403]survive the work that I was doing
[00:33:28.360]was to finish the work that my
[00:33:30.275]assailant had done, in a sense,
[00:33:32.490]and carve my own self out.
[00:33:35.319]My most inner and sacred and
[00:33:37.930]vulnerable self, the soft part of me
[00:33:40.600]that was still so raw, that still carried
[00:33:42.680]open wounds, I sent her away, and became
[00:33:47.840]distant from myself. My half-joking
[00:33:50.690]mantra as I'd prepared for things like
[00:33:52.500]court and battle after battle was,
[00:33:54.532]'you can't kill what's already dead.'
[00:33:57.536]I carved myself out so that the
[00:33:59.468]violence that I went out to face
[00:34:01.061]every day would find nothing left
[00:34:02.952]to devastate, and I was proud to
[00:34:05.429]master the survival skill. I look back
[00:34:08.239]now, on this years' long, I mean
[00:34:11.729]you could call it a highly-
[00:34:13.039]functional depression, and I
[00:34:15.289]try not to judge myself too much
[00:34:16.819]for doing what I had to do. It was
[00:34:19.559]a skill, and it was necessary during
[00:34:21.669]that time. It had been productive to a
[00:34:25.203]point, but it was time to let it go. When
[00:34:28.647]I realized how numb I'd been, I felt a
[00:34:32.195]little bit broken, and I was also
[00:34:34.505]terrified to let go of that numbness.
[00:34:37.937]Terrified of what depth of feeling
[00:34:40.257]would follow when I opened
[00:34:41.907]myself to it all and finally found
[00:34:43.821]my way home to myself.
[00:34:48.612]At last, as I grappled with
[00:34:51.252]this fear, and my need to come home
[00:34:54.039]from myself, my body pled for
[00:34:55.688]stillness.
[00:35:03.635]The moment that I slowed down, and became
[00:35:06.661]aware of how much tension and pain
[00:35:09.125]I carried in my body, like my jaw,
[00:35:11.925]and my back, and my gut, oh my God,
[00:35:14.481]it hardly felt like mine anymore. And my
[00:35:17.102]spirit, in my spirit, I truly felt lost.
[00:35:21.044]I'd reached a point in my life where
[00:35:23.281]I wanted to make room for more.
[00:35:28.321]Allowing protest to be the focal point,
[00:35:30.857]the sole focal point of all of my energy
[00:35:33.037]had imprisoned my imagination, and I think
[00:35:35.985]starved me of my ability to actually
[00:35:37.971]envision a future built on more than
[00:35:40.701]mere survival. I wanted to expand my
[00:35:44.181]vision beyond the scope of the things
[00:35:45.987]that I wanted to destroy. I wanted to
[00:35:48.347]build. I wanted to create. In truth, I
[00:35:52.417]started to think about the future in a
[00:35:54.231]different way because I wanted to be a
[00:35:56.272]mother more than anything in the world.
[00:36:00.011]But when the time came to try and
[00:36:01.861]create that life, I found myself
[00:36:03.911]woefully unprepared. Conception took
[00:36:08.261]a lot more time and effort than I thought
[00:36:10.654]it would, which is crazy, because you
[00:36:12.961]spend your whole adult life
[00:36:14.251]trying to avoid something, and
[00:36:15.801]then when you want to make it happen...
[00:36:18.391]But it gave me a lot of time to think,
[00:36:20.618]and when I searched in myself, for the
[00:36:23.241]mother I wanted to be, I couldn't find
[00:36:26.021]her. I'd remembered that I carved her
[00:36:28.361]out, I'd killed her off. The work that
[00:36:32.331]I'd been doing was so
[00:36:34.091]full of rage and grief, I'd taken for
[00:36:37.541]granted a kind of emptiness that
[00:36:39.551]I'd resigned myself to live with forever.
[00:36:43.470]That was when I came to really
[00:36:45.004]understand the nature of my trauma
[00:36:47.286]and what I was really grieving.
[00:36:54.762]That's me as a baby, I'm pretty cute!
[00:36:58.276]So at first,
[00:36:59.256]it was terrifying and disorienting, facing
[00:37:03.237]and sitting with myself in that
[00:37:05.012]stillness. I revisited the wound, and I
[00:37:09.121]didn't like what I saw, because it felt
[00:37:11.984]overwhelming and infinite, like it had
[00:37:14.822]expanded into this black hole and
[00:37:17.641]swallowed up everything I once felt
[00:37:19.331]was sacred about myself. I didn't know
[00:37:22.569]where to begin to recover myself or create
[00:37:25.334]myself once again. All I had were these
[00:37:28.244]big, overwhelming questions. Like who
[00:37:31.538]and how do I imagine myself to be,
[00:37:34.354]at my fullest and least encumbered?
[00:37:37.089]What might community look like? If I
[00:37:40.741]could set aside the limits and sickness
[00:37:43.331]of current systems, what could peace
[00:37:45.051]and justice look like? And who else is
[00:37:48.133]dreaming with me? How can we honor
[00:37:51.312]our dreams together? I didn't have
[00:37:56.830]tangible answers to any of these
[00:37:58.980]questions. But the more I thought about
[00:38:01.121]them, the more my imagination woke up.
[00:38:04.351]And I found little ways to move from
[00:38:06.415]imagination to creation. This was the fun
[00:38:09.415]part. Like little tangible changes that I
[00:38:12.215]could make, practices I could begin to
[00:38:15.232]help integrate this nascent dream of
[00:38:17.381]the world that I lived in. I started
[00:38:19.931]writing for myself, to myself again.
[00:38:23.386]I started to watch birds the way that
[00:38:25.631]I had as a little girl. I grounded myself
[00:38:28.865]in nature. The more I honored that
[00:38:31.909]vague, soft and lost part of myself,
[00:38:34.191]the more I was able to dream.
[00:38:37.744]I dreamt of a self who was free,
[00:38:40.268]of that lock-step dance with the
[00:38:41.898]same, living, beastly legacy of my
[00:38:44.469]ancestors' oppression. The same
[00:38:46.298]one that menaced my mothers and
[00:38:48.108]grandmothers. I dreamt of a self
[00:38:51.268]who wasn't preoccupied every day
[00:38:54.110]with repairing, scaffolding, and
[00:38:56.777]screaming to call out attention to the
[00:38:58.728]holes in a structure that was designed
[00:39:00.618]to crush me, with the anticipation of
[00:39:03.338]its impending collapse. I imagined
[00:39:06.778]how my ancestors survived, and
[00:39:11.338]what their wildest dreams for me
[00:39:12.968]might have been. Those who were
[00:39:15.220]kidnapped, raped, orphans forced to
[00:39:19.120]fight with the soil in a foreign land
[00:39:21.109]and starve their children while
[00:39:22.680]the master's babies fed from their
[00:39:24.357]breasts. Those who carried songs and
[00:39:27.663]spirits across the Atlantic, those who
[00:39:33.689]planted seeds here, that would feed
[00:39:35.970]their kin with joy, love and spirit for
[00:39:38.341]centuries. Those who protested, those
[00:39:41.518]who revolted, and endured, and conjured
[00:39:44.180]and healed, tending to themselves and
[00:39:46.271]the Earth and passing the light to
[00:39:48.020]everyone they touched. What would they
[00:39:49.880]want for me? I imagine that I would want
[00:39:52.819]for the children that I was praying into
[00:39:54.920]existence in this world. How could I
[00:39:58.256]bring my children here, if I couldn't
[00:40:00.213]imagine for them a way of living that
[00:40:01.990]was better than my own? If I couldn't
[00:40:03.830]imagine for myself a way that was better
[00:40:06.090]than how I'd been living. At least now I
[00:40:09.240]knew what I didn't want; I can't imagine
[00:40:12.150]that those of my ancestors who
[00:40:14.580]sacrificed their safety and joy for
[00:40:17.973]freedom did so that their offspring
[00:40:20.070]could continue to do so indefinitely.
[00:40:23.770]I knew that I didn't want any child of
[00:40:25.690]mine raised as if their primary purpose
[00:40:27.767]was to fight the master and the master's
[00:40:30.040]house; preoccupied forever with making
[00:40:32.225]endless repairs, otherwise destroying a
[00:40:34.460]rotting foundation. I want my children
[00:40:36.790]to be free. I want them to exhaust
[00:40:39.923]themselves and fill themselves back
[00:40:41.978]up again with the work of building
[00:40:44.300]something that brings peace and joy
[00:40:46.620]and love to themselves and the
[00:40:48.150]collective. I realize that's what I want
[00:40:50.952]for myself, too. Not just so that my
[00:40:53.491]children can have it, but because I
[00:40:55.294]and everyone I know deserves it.
[00:41:00.300]So I decided that I would model the life
[00:41:03.130]that I wanted my children to have.
[00:41:06.644]The one that I wanted for myself as a
[00:41:08.513]child.
[00:41:13.464]It was time to nourish myself and my
[00:41:15.779]imagination. What did this look like?
[00:41:18.686]Well, it was scary at first, not knowing
[00:41:21.296]what I should or could pour myself into.
[00:41:25.266]But I knew what I didn't want to do
[00:41:27.320]anymore, and I knew what felt wrong in
[00:41:29.260]my body. So I had to fight to continue
[00:41:31.637]to allow myself that stillness.
[00:41:34.203]Nourishing myself meant saying no to
[00:41:37.930]continuing to engage with violence and
[00:41:39.606]trauma in the same way. I decided that
[00:41:43.149]I'm done fighting to convince anyone of
[00:41:45.730]my worth, of fighting to validate the
[00:41:48.271]lived experiences of survivors. We're
[00:41:51.370]here. We are valid. That should be
[00:41:53.464]enough. I said no to everything at the
[00:41:56.825]peak of that viral MeToo moment in 2017;
[00:42:00.533]there were all these podcasts,
[00:42:02.360]interviews, speaking engagements,
[00:42:04.530]writing opportunities that I'd waited
[00:42:05.863]years for. I knew I had to keep listening
[00:42:08.806]to my body and stop fighting for awhile
[00:42:11.303]and just embrace that stillness.
[00:42:17.630]I didn't know where to go from there.
[00:42:18.983]But it was a start, and I felt the relief
[00:42:20.993]in my body, with every "no", as openness
[00:42:23.223]and possibility. Nourishing myself
[00:42:27.580]also looked like cocooning into a
[00:42:28.963]smaller, quieter existence. Learning to
[00:42:32.472]give myself sanctuary, continuing to
[00:42:36.963]listen to and write my dreams, reading
[00:42:39.628]books, and absorbing art that soothed and
[00:42:42.891]inspired me. Trying to be still enough
[00:42:46.279]to convince the hummingbirds that
[00:42:48.163]visited my backyard to sit with me, making
[00:42:50.695]herbal teas and calling them potions.
[00:42:52.523]I even got a tarot deck and started
[00:42:54.783]playing with it. I listened to whatever
[00:42:56.705]else my inner child wanted or needed.
[00:42:59.210]I hugged myself a lot; I started crying
[00:43:01.592]again, a lot. I forgave myself for being
[00:43:05.517]tired, for feeling insecure and broken
[00:43:08.691]and sad, when I had so many gifts.
[00:43:10.983]I forgave myself for a lot. I began to
[00:43:15.298]long for community, even though I didn't
[00:43:17.546]think I'd ever quite felt it or been able
[00:43:19.603]to define it. And when people near me
[00:43:22.983]offered support, I practiced saying yes,
[00:43:26.620]which felt odd at first. I took little
[00:43:29.333]leaps of faith; I practiced asking for
[00:43:31.987]help; I gave myself permission to step
[00:43:34.713]away from the work I'd been doing
[00:43:36.432]indefinitely so that I could focus on
[00:43:38.442]what in myself needed healing. Because,
[00:43:41.606]again, how could I work on these bigger
[00:43:43.513]issues and how could I transform the
[00:43:47.105]world, and what was I really helping
[00:43:48.913]transform it into, if I couldn't see
[00:43:51.240]beyond what was already there
[00:43:52.467]and not working? While I was slowly
[00:43:54.763]repairing myself, I also looked to my
[00:43:59.507]closest relationships - my birth family
[00:44:02.483]and my chosen family - and I saw wounds
[00:44:04.952]that needed healing. Things got a little
[00:44:07.980]messy, some bridges were burned, but new
[00:44:10.897]friendships emerged, and new ways of
[00:44:12.714]being in relationship with each other
[00:44:14.766]emerged. I started to create again.
[00:44:18.524]I had my baby, I found a community of
[00:44:21.916]mothers and birth workers in South
[00:44:24.257]Los Angeles, and I began to root myself
[00:44:26.523]in it. We shared resources and meals
[00:44:29.971]and long afternoons
[00:44:31.207]and tears and advocacy rooted in love.
[00:44:36.117]I had another baby, this time without even
[00:44:38.113]trying.
[00:44:41.863]And after years and so much inner work
[00:44:45.830]and therapy, I finally began to feel
[00:44:47.413]whole again, like I'd gotten to
[00:44:49.657]where I wanted to be.
[00:44:50.793]And I was swiftly humbled once again.
[00:44:55.823]I was fuller and I felt more whole, but
[00:44:58.930]I realized how much society's sickness,
[00:45:00.753]these supremacy ideologies I'd
[00:45:03.903]internalized and even turned against
[00:45:05.870]myself while I was fighting them.
[00:45:10.233]And how much of that remained in me
[00:45:12.240]still. And how much I'd have to work to
[00:45:13.989]come home to myself all over again.
[00:45:16.703]And continue to honor myself. I really
[00:45:19.774]wanted to give this talk from some like
[00:45:21.687]zen-like summit of healing after arriving
[00:45:24.973]at wholeness and full recovery, but I'm
[00:45:27.967]starting to believe there really is no
[00:45:29.873]such destination. A continually violent
[00:45:33.753]world requires continual healing. The
[00:45:37.300]work is cyclical and it can never be
[00:45:39.333]finished while there's so much violence
[00:45:42.000]in the world, and so much collective
[00:45:43.814]healing to be done. You can distance
[00:45:47.010]yourself from it, but you can't take
[00:45:49.201]yourself out of it completely. I can't
[00:45:53.162]pretend not to be connected to it all,
[00:45:55.535]because the people who are suffering
[00:45:57.253]are my people. And they're all of yours,
[00:45:59.328]too. Just like the
[00:46:01.049]Earth is yours, too. And the amount of
[00:46:04.934]denial, and self-delusion required
[00:46:07.601]to pretend otherwise, not only takes a
[00:46:09.952]tremendous amount of energy, but it also
[00:46:12.000]requires a self-destructive level of
[00:46:14.265]apathy. When you refuse your
[00:46:17.508]connection with collective struggle,
[00:46:19.790]when you refuse to know collective
[00:46:22.352]global pain, you also refuse to know
[00:46:25.403]your place in it. Denying yourself that
[00:46:28.327]awareness is denying yourself wholeness.
[00:46:31.955]That's not healing, it's just another kind
[00:46:34.239]of frightened and exhausting dance.
[00:46:37.113]And people who get too comfortable
[00:46:40.083]dancing, in their individualist bliss,
[00:46:44.286]and apathy and denial, find themselves
[00:46:47.605]all too willing to engage in overt
[00:46:49.332]violence to sustain it.
[00:46:51.966]Allies, please consider how your lives
[00:46:54.661]are affected by patriarchy, by classism,
[00:46:58.097]sexism, racism, heterosexism,
[00:47:01.970]colonialism, and even the ongoing and
[00:47:04.378]historical rape of the Earth. Consider
[00:47:07.095]how they all might be part of the same
[00:47:08.969]sickness, and consider how it lives in
[00:47:11.273]you, and your family, and in your
[00:47:13.609]community. It's scary, and it's ugly,
[00:47:17.105]and it may even evoke shame. But if
[00:47:20.098]you don't connect with it, you'll never
[00:47:22.036]know what healing can really feel like.
[00:47:24.146]You'll never be able to share that gift
[00:47:26.016]with the people you love, just more
[00:47:28.029]sanitized and dressed-up versions of
[00:47:30.293]the same violence. That's what I
[00:47:33.996]realized, as I journeyed into motherhood.
[00:47:36.486]We birth children and we birth cycles,
[00:47:38.646]cycles that can be old or new, creative
[00:47:40.700]or destructive. We get to choose, but
[00:47:43.892]the only way to really see what we're
[00:47:46.046]choosing, is to work to expand our
[00:47:47.814]perspective, to one that's both deeply
[00:47:50.386]internal, and rooted in the context
[00:47:52.960]greater than ourselves, and our
[00:47:55.354]immediate experiences. That perspective
[00:47:58.908]requires constant work and renewal;
[00:48:01.955]we should all hope to be constantly
[00:48:04.374]expanding like the universe. It's hard
[00:48:06.898]but it's also joyful and fulfilling and
[00:48:09.001]to me, I think it's better than the
[00:48:11.058]alternative, which felt like going
[00:48:13.088]through life as a dead woman, a hungry
[00:48:15.138]ghost constantly seeking the kind of
[00:48:16.898]fulfillment that my condition precluded.
[00:48:21.101]In closing, I'm still healing, I'm still
[00:48:24.471]emerging into this new self, and I hope
[00:48:26.704]I always will be. I've referred to the
[00:48:30.596]"work" a lot over the last hour, I know
[00:48:33.137]that when I talk, or I hope you
[00:48:35.156]know by now that when I talk about the
[00:48:37.594]work, I'm talking about both
[00:48:39.468]resistance and healing, as one and
[00:48:41.948]the same. It's cyclical, it's ongoing,
[00:48:44.728]it's both individual and communal. It's
[00:48:47.998]rooted in love and imagination. My love
[00:48:50.888]for myself goes deeper when I'm able to
[00:48:53.203]allow myself to deepen my love for
[00:48:55.468]others. Family, friends, everyone, the
[00:48:58.474]Earth itself. We can get lost in
[00:49:01.604]ourselves and sometimes the best way
[00:49:03.588]to find our way home is by devoting
[00:49:05.349]ourselves to collective care. I couldn't
[00:49:08.322]tell you how many universities I've been
[00:49:10.668]to, or how many hundreds of survivors I've
[00:49:13.288]talked to at these schools, and how often
[00:49:15.798]they seem to be feeling crushed by
[00:49:18.828]the hostility of their social
[00:49:20.347]environments, and betrayed by their
[00:49:22.686]schools' and the authorities' inaction,
[00:49:27.938]and sometimes even retaliation. I can
[00:49:31.155]tell you that even at some of the most
[00:49:33.419]blatantly and brazenly oppressive
[00:49:35.958]schools, I met students who inspired me,
[00:49:40.315]people who were clear about what they
[00:49:42.568]deserved, and knew what their schools
[00:49:45.806]and administrations owed them; and devoted
[00:49:48.429]their energy and resources to building
[00:49:50.494]it for themselves. They had support
[00:49:53.982]networks, peer advocacy and education
[00:49:56.926]groups, safety systems. Some had official
[00:50:00.928]support and funding, some were
[00:50:02.959]underground, some had no support, but
[00:50:06.348]operated openly and defiantly. What they
[00:50:09.148]all had in common was that they had
[00:50:11.668]a very clear sense of their needs as
[00:50:14.692]a community, and they had an ethos of
[00:50:17.299]mutual care and shared responsibility.
[00:50:21.324]These are the places where I began
[00:50:23.016]to understand how collective and
[00:50:25.022]individual healing are inextricable.
[00:50:27.524]And how both are vital for sustainable
[00:50:29.860]resistance and revolution. To survivors,
[00:50:34.077]If you're a survivor who carries a story
[00:50:36.924]that threatens to carve you out, I want
[00:50:39.106]you to know, that your willingness to
[00:50:41.534]speak out and share your story,
[00:50:43.574]formally or informally, says nothing
[00:50:46.731]about how strong you are, or whether
[00:50:49.244]you deserve or have the capacity to heal.
[00:50:54.664]We're all surviving as best we can, and
[00:50:57.367]that can look different for everyone.
[00:51:00.524]You're strong because you're alive. And
[00:51:02.840]you're here, and you're worthy. You don't
[00:51:06.879]need to earn your right to heal for it to
[00:51:09.264]be whole. You're here, and you're enough.
[00:51:12.899]I share my story now because I want you to
[00:51:15.160]feel in whatever way you'd welcome it,
[00:51:17.204]that you are seen and truly not alone.
[00:51:20.435]Because knowing in your bones that you're
[00:51:22.384]a part of a loving and nurturing
[00:51:24.007]collective can be just the beginning.
[00:51:26.714]There are ways that we can heal and
[00:51:28.495]restore ourselves, and each other, even
[00:51:30.952]transform our suffering beyond protests,
[00:51:34.804]beyond processes that demand we
[00:51:36.756]hold out hope that we'll be validated by
[00:51:38.804]the same people and systems that
[00:51:41.106]routinely deny our humanity. That work
[00:51:44.964]is important and valid, too, and if you
[00:51:47.344]are in that struggle, I see you, and I
[00:51:49.954]hope that you find peace at the end
[00:51:51.634]of your process. What I am saying is that
[00:51:54.260]it is not the only way, and it's not the
[00:51:56.684]most important work; I'm saying we
[00:51:58.872]need balance. Sometimes when we engage
[00:52:02.214]with violence and violent systems, we do
[00:52:04.728]so in a way that treats healing as a
[00:52:07.171]distant and conditional possibility. And
[00:52:09.614]it doesn't have to be. Our peace doesn't
[00:52:12.497]have to be tied so closely to the
[00:52:14.774]accountability and ultimate healing
[00:52:16.490]of those who hoard, exploit and abuse
[00:52:19.201]power over us. We can take some of that
[00:52:23.100]power back. If life can evolve to survive
[00:52:27.401]and even thrive in places deprived of
[00:52:29.556]warmth, sunlight and air, I think we can
[00:52:32.241]build a future for ourselves outside of
[00:52:34.873]the rhetoric and limited visions of
[00:52:36.610]those who would keep us small, deprived
[00:52:38.890]and constantly appealing for our most
[00:52:40.696]basic rights to exist. It won't happen
[00:52:44.026]overnight, but I think, no, we definitely
[00:52:47.511]don't have
[00:52:48.211]anything to lose by imagining it.; by
[00:52:50.978]pouring our love into it, bringing
[00:52:53.009]thoughtful little offerings to the altar
[00:52:55.342]of expanded possibility. All we can do
[00:52:59.507]and all we must do is start with
[00:53:01.355]ourselves, and the people, and places
[00:53:03.752]and things that we touch; everyone of us
[00:53:06.253]has the capacity to begin here; It's
[00:53:08.282]how we begin to heal ourselves, and
[00:53:10.236]it's how we free each other.
[00:53:12.764]Thank you so much.
[00:53:14.405][applause]
[00:53:23.035][Shari Stenberg] Thank you so much for
[00:53:24.925]that beautiful, wise talk, Kamilah. We
[00:53:28.175]have time now for some questions from the
[00:53:30.725]audience, and I will bring you the mic, if
[00:53:33.625]you raise your hand.
[00:53:36.718]Hi. I was wondering if you had any
[00:53:40.506]advice, especially for like people like
[00:53:43.526]myself, young women of color who
[00:53:45.373]plan on studying law and be in that
[00:53:47.334]environment, that is not necessarily
[00:53:49.818]created to help foster any growth from
[00:53:53.084]people like us, I guess.
[00:53:55.518][KW] Yeah. That's a great question. You
[00:54:02.128]know that you're speaking to someone
[00:54:03.898]who had a terrible experience in law
[00:54:05.665]school, so I'm a bit jaded. And often,
[00:54:08.529]I heard another friend who was also
[00:54:11.128]a law graduate with similar experiences
[00:54:13.068]who said that when people tell
[00:54:14.543]her they want to go to
[00:54:15.638]law school, they treat it like
[00:54:17.068]when someone goes
[00:54:17.894]to a rabbi saying they want to become
[00:54:19.708]a Jew, he's saying 'no' three times. Like
[00:54:21.717]do you really want to do this?
[00:54:24.236]Do you really want to do this? Are you
[00:54:26.168]sure? There is a lot of great work that
[00:54:28.832]can be done by lawyers. I think that,
[00:54:33.366]one, if it's possible, I would try to take
[00:54:35.888]a year in between undergrad and law
[00:54:39.702]school, both to ground yourself and maybe
[00:54:43.318]explore the kinds of work that you
[00:54:44.968]would want to be doing. So that you can
[00:54:47.208]go into school with a clear idea of where
[00:54:50.101]you want to end up. Because I think that
[00:54:53.503]the people who have, some of the
[00:54:55.440]people who have the
[00:54:56.389]hardest time in
[00:54:57.158]law school,
[00:54:57.859]like myself, are the ones who
[00:54:59.288]are told, like, oh, it's kind of
[00:55:00.858]like Liberal Arts, like,
[00:55:02.048]you'll just go and you
[00:55:03.158]can do anything with a law degree;
[00:55:05.260]it doesn't actually work like that.
[00:55:07.018]It can if you have billions of dollars to
[00:55:09.223]pour into it,
[00:55:11.218]like don't need to worry about debt.
[00:55:13.332]But, I think if you have a clear vision
[00:55:17.073]of where you want to go, you can
[00:55:18.606]use that to pick which school you'd
[00:55:21.185]like to go to. A place preferably, that
[00:55:23.719]has professors who are deeply invested
[00:55:26.989]in the kind of work that you want to do.
[00:55:28.924]And also seem like their open to
[00:55:30.528]mentoring students.
[00:55:32.193]And a place that has other students of
[00:55:35.858]color who are in community with each
[00:55:37.618]other. I didn't know how much I needed
[00:55:40.574]that when I was in law school. And if I
[00:55:42.688]could do it all over again, I would have
[00:55:45.877]dove into that a lot more than I did.
[00:55:48.286][Thanks]
[00:55:58.647]While you were talking about protecting
[00:56:00.943]yourself, and kind of accepting that you
[00:56:04.272]needed to fly, at some point, that you
[00:56:07.347]had to stop. I also wanted to ask you
[00:56:11.547]from the side of the allies, because
[00:56:15.481]what I feel is that it is easier to get
[00:56:17.937]encapsulated in a bubble of
[00:56:20.713]ideology that just resonates with you,
[00:56:23.543]and you do not see the full picture? And
[00:56:26.473]it is easier to get stuck in the happy
[00:56:29.170]tale that things are getting better, and
[00:56:31.627]I feel that allies sometimes feel that
[00:56:35.177]the progress is being made, and actually
[00:56:39.899]we're exaggerating? Or there is not such
[00:56:43.198]big drama? So how do we destroy the
[00:56:46.467]bubble?
[00:56:48.039]That's a really good question.
[00:56:51.877]I think, I don't know, I guess I have
[00:56:55.737]two answers. I met a woman in
[00:57:01.470]Los Angeles when I started becoming
[00:57:04.659]immersed in motherhood. She was a white
[00:57:07.627]woman from Tennessee who had adopted
[00:57:10.476]a little black girl. I'm always - I
[00:57:17.584]always think it's interesting because
[00:57:19.395]there's a lot that can
[00:57:20.488]happen in those
[00:57:21.300]relationships, for better or worse. And
[00:57:25.067]the more I got to know this woman, her
[00:57:26.887]name was Erin, she was like this
[00:57:30.532]visionary, like racial justice advocate.
[00:57:33.899]Like when we'd go out together, and
[00:57:35.577]there'd be the slightest microaggression,
[00:57:37.575]she'd dig in her heels
[00:57:38.626]and be like,
[00:57:39.327]'what did you say to her?' And I was like
[00:57:41.377]'oh my goodness! I don't even advocate
[00:57:43.187]for myself in that way!' And we started
[00:57:45.648]getting to know each other more, it was
[00:57:47.557]like, 'how did you, white woman from
[00:57:49.989]Tennessee, end up, like have you always
[00:57:52.346]been like this?' And she's like, 'oh,
[00:57:56.297]thank you, but I am like still carry like
[00:58:00.073]so much bullshit white supremacist
[00:58:02.467]ideology that I'm working on constantly.'
[00:58:04.477]And I was like, 'okay, so that's
[00:58:06.007]a truth, thank you.
[00:58:06.917]And I'll think about that
[00:58:08.117]before I congratulate an ally.' And so
[00:58:11.459]I think one key is being aware that
[00:58:14.844]there is constant work and unlearning
[00:58:17.550]on your part as an ally to be done,
[00:58:20.265]like you don't just to get to be part
[00:58:22.133]of the groups, or know the rhetoric and
[00:58:24.908]be like, 'I'm not racist, the rest is
[00:58:27.062]on you guys.' Like white supremacy really
[00:58:30.710]does live in us all. If I have
[00:58:32.101]internalized
[00:58:33.102]anti-blackness, obviously so do you.
[00:58:35.660]And I'm still getting rid of mine, so it
[00:58:38.775]would be foolish to think that any
[00:58:41.341]non-Black person doesn't have
[00:58:43.658]deep internal work to do and unlearn
[00:58:45.870]this stuff we're all immersed in.
[00:58:47.862]And the other thing my friend Erin
[00:58:49.532]said to me, 'you know, I've accepted other
[00:58:53.869]white people, white women are my
[00:58:55.912]missionary work.' So we'd interview
[00:58:59.116]together for the same preschool, and it
[00:59:01.322]was mostly white, but it was free-learning
[00:59:03.742]very gentle, all these
[00:59:04.792]things that I
[00:59:05.492]really like, and there were some really
[00:59:07.362]alarming social dynamics that came up,
[00:59:09.182]like in the beginning, the diversity
[00:59:11.670]didn't reflect the demographics of
[00:59:15.117]Los Angeles, and we asked about that
[00:59:16.832]they were so defensive
[00:59:17.882]and I was like,
[00:59:18.652]'I'm just going to log out of here.' But
[00:59:21.513]she stayed to confront the director of
[00:59:23.691]the school and the teachers and press
[00:59:25.630]them in a way that was like, 'this really
[00:59:27.585]is her missionary work.' I was burnt out
[00:59:30.454]and hurt, and feeling despondent,
[00:59:33.177]because I'm just trying to find a place
[00:59:35.432]for my three-year-old to go to school
[00:59:37.190]and not be like damaged and marginalized
[00:59:39.722]because of his race. But she was willing
[00:59:44.312]to make herself uncomfortable and make
[00:59:46.122]others uncomfortable and put her social
[00:59:48.554]capital on the line to burst that bubble,
[00:59:52.819]even among people who were fully
[00:59:55.410]progressive, liberal allies, whatever,
[00:59:57.492]blah blah blah. So I think it's just
[01:00:00.825]recognizing and trying to be immune
[01:00:03.182]to that narrative that 'we've made it',
[01:00:05.225]progress is being made because even in
[01:00:07.115]the same groups that were celebrating
[01:00:08.875]that progress, there's still
[01:00:10.225]so much work to be done.
[01:00:12.729]Thank you for sharing your story with
[01:00:14.805]us all. I have just enough time to
[01:00:18.092]get a little anxious myself about how
[01:00:19.862]to formulate my question.
[01:00:22.822]I really appreciated you starting off
[01:00:25.342]with your detailed account of
[01:00:27.586]advocacy and resistance, and then
[01:00:29.594]switching into your work on healing
[01:00:32.013]yourself, and what I'm really wondering
[01:00:34.842]if you could speak a little more about
[01:00:36.712]how your work with healing yourself
[01:00:39.052]has contributed to your advocacy
[01:00:41.902]and your resistance work, and
[01:00:44.011]ultimately dismantling the system,
[01:00:47.082]and all that jazz.
[01:00:49.449]Yeah, that's a great question! And I'm
[01:00:53.011]still figuring it out, to be honest.
[01:00:57.110]But, I guess, one thing, like I said,
[01:01:02.924]I know what I'm not doing anymore.
[01:01:05.095]And I know that there's a lot of value
[01:01:07.330]and power in protest. But keeping that
[01:01:11.764]kind of, focusing on speaking back
[01:01:15.013]to and dismantling systems is important,
[01:01:18.065]but when that's the center of the work,
[01:01:20.638]I think it can distract us from the larger
[01:01:24.505]work, which is imagining and creating
[01:01:27.142]systems and futures where we can
[01:01:29.165]actually be free.
[01:01:34.948]And that may be just me, but I've seen
[01:01:38.001]I don't know, I've seen as a collective
[01:01:39.961]we can really burn out when, what drives
[01:01:45.310]us is responding to whatever new atrocity
[01:01:48.837]whatever outrageous thing is
[01:01:51.192]happening now. Or who said what, and it's
[01:01:53.196]like, "What do we have to say to that?"
[01:01:55.121]And it's just like, what
[01:01:56.661]are we actually doing because we
[01:01:58.211]know who's listening, they're the
[01:01:59.831]people who are with us. But if somebody
[01:02:02.241]believes that,
[01:02:04.141]you know, women who wear short skirts
[01:02:07.261]deserve to be raped, or that 'boys will
[01:02:09.399]be boys' and can't be expected to
[01:02:11.361]behave like people with consciences
[01:02:16.781]and self control. Or, people that believe
[01:02:20.226]that Black men that get gunned down by
[01:02:22.850]police had it coming. They're not
[01:02:25.814]listening to us, and so I think that,
[01:02:27.771]I don't know, the focus really does
[01:02:30.736]need to be on what do we need to build
[01:02:33.332]so that we can support and protect
[01:02:35.009]each other? And we can still do the
[01:02:38.031]work of dismantling, but that is the
[01:02:39.867]work of dismantling, too. Taking that
[01:02:42.102]power and that focus away and showing
[01:02:44.772]them what we mean. So, right now, I don't
[01:02:48.702]know, really like how I'm going forward
[01:02:52.061]into the work, I do know that I'm a
[01:02:54.025]birth-worker in training, I guess,
[01:02:57.647]connected with a group of pretty radical
[01:03:00.490]Black midwives in Los Angeles, because
[01:03:03.596]in my own experience, delivering a baby
[01:03:06.661]first in a hospital as a Black woman
[01:03:08.472]and then at home, the differences are
[01:03:10.342]astounding. And the kinds of violence
[01:03:12.626]we face in medical contexts are
[01:03:15.762]really deeply related to the kinds
[01:03:17.553]of violence we face in schools
[01:03:19.244]and everywhere. So that's a way of both
[01:03:23.744]yeah, dismantling a system by pouring
[01:03:26.084]our love and care into each other, and
[01:03:28.724]building and really appreciating our own
[01:03:31.564]power.
[01:03:33.670]Hi. So how do you - I'm also struggling
[01:03:39.208]how to phrase this question - How do you
[01:03:41.644]cope on a campus with a bunch of people
[01:03:44.908]who are maybe not the most into it?
[01:03:48.275]If you know what I mean? How is that like
[01:03:50.756]a thing, that you just go about your day
[01:03:53.449]and you wake up and you're like
[01:03:54.977][heavy sigh], and I don't even mean you
[01:03:57.825]personally, you're just like, this might
[01:04:00.135]be kind of shitty, what am I going to do?
[01:04:04.396]Yeah. That's a really good question, and
[01:04:06.663]one that I can definitely relate to, as
[01:04:09.625]someone who felt super isolated as a
[01:04:11.930]student. I think like, if it's possible,
[01:04:16.757]find the people, even if it's just one or
[01:04:19.683]two people who do make you feel seen,
[01:04:22.093]and supported, and just pool what you've
[01:04:24.589]got into them. You know? And you can't
[01:04:28.215]ignore all the microaggression, and I
[01:04:31.533]would never suggest that that's possible.
[01:04:33.819]But having a kind of sanctuary to come
[01:04:38.177]back to, sometimes it's really all we
[01:04:41.820]can do. You know? And like when I was in
[01:04:45.203]college, anyway, I had to do what I could
[01:04:51.454]to build a life for myself outside of
[01:04:53.452]the school because I didn't feel, I
[01:04:57.060]didn't feel like I had people there.
[01:04:59.100]You know?
[01:04:59.810]And so I kind of gave myself
[01:05:01.270]permission
[01:05:01.980]to be like, okay, I'm not fitting in,
[01:05:05.324]maybe this isn't my place, but I can
[01:05:07.719]still, you know, there's a whole other
[01:05:09.620]world out there. And, I found a little art
[01:05:12.871]community that was a
[01:05:13.900]forty-minutes drive
[01:05:15.170]away, but every Friday when I could
[01:05:18.555]drive off of campus and go there it
[01:05:20.627]was just like, [deep breath] like a way
[01:05:22.817]of remembering that like this place
[01:05:25.290]isn't the whole world, and this place
[01:05:27.050]you're going to be here for a moment
[01:05:28.954]in time, that you'll have so much
[01:05:30.944]time and space to find your people
[01:05:34.292]when you're done here. I know it
[01:05:38.354]can be really hard. But just finding
[01:05:41.861]those little ways, like whatever warmth
[01:05:44.408]you can find, just hold onto it.
[01:05:46.364]And try to prioritize that to put the
[01:05:48.664]rest into perspective.
[01:05:51.933]Thank you. I was just wondering
[01:05:55.217]do you have a book, or any...
[01:05:59.331][KW] A book?
[01:06:00.521]A book or something?
[01:06:02.143][KW] Not... Something in the works,
[01:06:03.843]because I feel like this should reach
[01:06:06.680]a larger audience.
[01:06:08.350]Thank you, for that compliment
[01:06:11.644]and vote of faith. I don't have
[01:06:13.488]one, but I've actually...I've started
[01:06:18.321]drafting one, and I don't know. Keep
[01:06:22.451]your eye out, maybe in the next year
[01:06:24.735]or so, there will be something out
[01:06:26.364]there. Thank you for that.
[01:06:28.276][Shari Stenberg] Good thought. There should be a book.
[01:06:33.374]Hi. Thank you for coming and for your
[01:06:35.273]presentation. I am part of Greek life.
[01:06:38.662]And last year, we did go through
[01:06:41.755]kind of a rough couple of weeks
[01:06:44.918]with the rape on campus, and
[01:06:47.770]I remember I did participate
[01:06:50.173]in the protest and that was only
[01:06:52.933]like my second experience,
[01:06:54.404]really, gathering with a group
[01:06:56.627]of people like that, and I just remember
[01:06:58.944]feeling, how so many people were
[01:07:01.896]there for the right reasons, and
[01:07:03.664]how a lot, it felt very misogynistic,
[01:07:08.674]Greek life yelling at other Greek life,
[01:07:11.643]kind of like, 'F you this fraternity'
[01:07:15.250]rather than supporting the woman and
[01:07:18.438]what she just went through. And I just
[01:07:21.496]would, as a 21-year old, what would
[01:07:25.888]be more beneficial ways for us to
[01:07:28.217]protest going forward, if this happens
[01:07:32.263]again, to gain more traction and
[01:07:34.984]to be heard in better ways? Because
[01:07:38.119]in my opinion, nothing was really done
[01:07:40.731]with that, that we could have seen. So,
[01:07:44.008]just moving forward, how we would be
[01:07:45.938]able to change, so that we can actually
[01:07:50.303]be heard rather than just scream at
[01:07:52.160]each other? If that makes sense.
[01:07:53.933]Yeah. It makes a lot of sense.
[01:07:57.871]I mean, protests, especially when you
[01:08:00.009]have these kind of spontaneous and
[01:08:02.289]massive protests, that get so much
[01:08:04.481]attention like the one here did get,
[01:08:07.411]it can be incredibly powerful and
[01:08:10.031]galvanizing, and being part of that
[01:08:12.341]can feel like, okay we've really got
[01:08:14.101]something here. And then the other
[01:08:16.460]side of it is like, okay, the institutions
[01:08:18.841]you're speaking to, they have a PR
[01:08:20.912]crisis, which is great for the movement.
[01:08:23.362]And then they respond, but like, are they
[01:08:26.315]responding in ways that you're feeling
[01:08:28.357]hurt, or are they responding in ways
[01:08:30.468]that get you to shut up and diffuse the
[01:08:32.788]attention. We all know what happens,
[01:08:35.018]right? And that can leave us after we've
[01:08:37.709]had these big, beautiful moments of
[01:08:39.706]protest and community, or we feel
[01:08:42.291]community while we're in it, but
[01:08:44.190]then it fizzes out, and we're like,
[01:08:46.137]what did it, where did all of that
[01:08:47.993]go? And that kind of come-down from
[01:08:50.776]protest can feel devastating. And
[01:08:53.110]exhausting and a little bit demoralizing.
[01:08:56.933]And I feel like - I feel like we should
[01:09:01.413]look at those actions, those protests
[01:09:04.770]actions as - as coalition building.
[01:09:11.290]They're both the result of organizing, but
[01:09:13.804]they're an opportunity to pull more people
[01:09:15.995]in with their energy. I mean, it
[01:09:20.781]does require a lot more organizing
[01:09:22.585]than showing up, to like grab those
[01:09:24.765]people and find a place where you
[01:09:26.720]can be together, when the cameras
[01:09:28.790]are gone, to continue that work.
[01:09:30.998]Because otherwise, it fizzes out,
[01:09:32.933]and we all go back to our own dorms
[01:09:34.622]and our own rooms
[01:09:35.518]and our own lives,
[01:09:36.413]and we just watch the institutions do
[01:09:38.265]what they do, and it's like, okay,
[01:09:40.659]where have we gotten? We all
[01:09:42.278]shouted out, we all see each other
[01:09:43.978]here, we all see that there are more
[01:09:45.797]of us, but, I feel like, I guess there
[01:09:52.382]needs to be a way to harness that
[01:09:54.228]energy in those moments, into
[01:09:56.286]building our communities, and then
[01:09:58.608]following up, and that can be hard
[01:10:00.358]work too, because I think especially
[01:10:02.428]on campus, just like in the
[01:10:03.848]broader culture, we look for leaders, and
[01:10:05.908]we want them to do all of the work
[01:10:07.544]for us, you know, and we're waiting
[01:10:10.217]who's going to step up, who's going to be it,
[01:10:12.403]and then we find the person
[01:10:13.741]and we put everything
[01:10:14.751]on them, until they burn out.
[01:10:16.977]And so I think that we need to
[01:10:18.454]find a way to not do that, too,
[01:10:20.425]in these moments. And it's hard,
[01:10:22.319]it's hard. I guess I come from a
[01:10:24.865]tradition of protest. My grandparents
[01:10:27.463]were Civil Rights leaders. And I think
[01:10:29.316]part of what made their protests and
[01:10:31.573]their movements so powerful, I mean,
[01:10:34.253]we'll bear it, the Black church wasn't
[01:10:36.070]organizing for us, but it wasn't just
[01:10:37.840]like, 'go out and protest', and then go
[01:10:39.711]back to our lives. We'd go out and protest
[01:10:41.721]but that was one step in a larger picture
[01:10:43.841]of being in community and advocacy with
[01:10:46.942]each other.
[01:10:49.926]I'm really good at these
[01:10:51.117]long-winded answers, sorry.
[01:10:53.599][Sheri] Thank you so much. We'll need to
[01:10:55.716]wrap up this part now, and then if
[01:10:59.860]students who want to stay and
[01:11:00.693]speak with Kamilah are welcome
[01:11:02.292]to do so, but I want to thank you
[01:11:04.230]so much for being here tonight, for
[01:11:06.130]this wonderful talk, and for showing up
[01:11:08.438]to support Women's and Gender Studies.
[01:11:10.247]So thank you,
[01:11:10.965]thanks to all of you,
[01:11:12.017]and thank you, so much to you, Kamilah.
[01:11:13.870][KW] Thank you!

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Healing From Sexual Trauma

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