Part II -- Parenting young children while temporarily working from home

IANR Vice Chancellor's Office Author

04/20/2020 Added

11 Plays

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Interview with Dr. Holly Hatton-Bowers, Assistant professor in Child, Youth and Family Studies, Part II. As faculty and staff members who are used to working from their offices and labs are now temporarily working from home, they may experience unanticipated challenges to their relationships. For parents of young children, these may include figuring out how to share the same physical space and finding balance of time and attention given to children and work. Additional questions/comments on how parents of young children balance time and attention given to children and work while temporarily working from home.

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[00:00:00.160]I'm Rich Bischoff, the Associate Vice Chancellor
[00:00:03.220]for Faculty and Academic Leader Success
[00:00:05.730]in the Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources.
[00:00:10.130]The faculty and staff members who are unexpectedly
[00:00:13.530]and temporarily working from home
[00:00:15.600]may experience unanticipated challenges
[00:00:18.250]related to their relationships.
[00:00:20.780]For many, these include challenges
[00:00:22.950]related to interacting with children and parenting.
[00:00:26.940]Parenting is an intensely emotional experience,
[00:00:30.440]the experience of emotion in parenting
[00:00:32.690]is exacerbated during times of stress and transition,
[00:00:36.790]and this is certainly a time of stress and transition
[00:00:39.440]for parents as they are trying to figure out
[00:00:41.720]how to work from home.
[00:00:43.160]I'm speaking today with Dr. Holly Hatton-Bowers.
[00:00:46.600]Holly is an assistant professor
[00:00:48.370]in the department of child, youth and family studies
[00:00:51.200]in the College of Education and Human Sciences.
[00:00:54.980]I'd previously spoken with Holly
[00:00:56.550]about early childhood and parenting during this time,
[00:00:59.850]when people are temporarily working from home.
[00:01:02.350]This is part two of that conversation.
[00:01:05.030]Holly, I'm wondering if you can comment a little bit
[00:01:08.010]on the emotional experience of parenting,
[00:01:10.840]and how parents reactions to stress
[00:01:13.620]might affect family relationships.
[00:01:16.160]I think it can be helpful to think about,
[00:01:18.710]currently we kind of have this window of tolerance
[00:01:21.450]in terms of being able to really engage in thoughtful ways,
[00:01:26.530]in terms of when you might have a child
[00:01:29.070]who is being their typical self,
[00:01:31.385]or possibly even being more, having a hard time right now,
[00:01:35.120]especially being in unfamiliar routines,
[00:01:38.280]not being able to see their friends, or go to school,
[00:01:40.520]being asked to kind of do a different routine at home.
[00:01:43.220]And so I think there's just extra stress right now,
[00:01:45.820]and for many of us, especially with young children,
[00:01:48.510]I think I hear from my friends, my colleagues,
[00:01:50.980]is we're kind of in this place of surviving,
[00:01:53.280]getting through each day.
[00:01:54.410]And so sometimes it can lead to moments
[00:01:57.030]where we might have more conflict and reactivity
[00:01:59.717]and so there might be more moments where we have a misstep,
[00:02:02.940]and we really want to have a do-over
[00:02:05.020]in terms of what we said
[00:02:06.360]or how we reacted to our children.
[00:02:08.300]Even last night,
[00:02:09.240]my daughter was having a pretty rough night,
[00:02:13.380]she really wanted to go back to preschool
[00:02:15.370]and kept saying she wanted to go to preschool
[00:02:17.220]and had a moment where she felt like
[00:02:19.070]she really needed to cry,
[00:02:20.400]and I also found myself really exhausted,
[00:02:22.640]and so just having that inner pause of saying
[00:02:25.650]like I need a few minutes to breathe here
[00:02:28.290]because I'm trying to go to bed and she's really upset
[00:02:30.720]and I can't change this situation.
[00:02:32.500]And so it took a few minutes for me
[00:02:34.340]to just say, "I'm here for you,
[00:02:36.397]"I'm gonna go to the restroom really quick,
[00:02:38.217]"take a few breaths," coming back
[00:02:40.490]and then being able to be that holding space for her.
[00:02:43.330]And so I think that's important, is to say,
[00:02:45.467]"I'm here for you," and also acknowledge
[00:02:47.371]that those feelings can be hard for me as well,
[00:02:50.380]just being in an exhausted place.
[00:02:52.000]Sometimes that can make you feel
[00:02:53.170]a little bit guilty as a parent,
[00:02:54.500]sometimes it can just feel, you know,
[00:02:56.270]that you want to change the situation,
[00:02:58.350]I wanted her to be able to go back to preschool,
[00:03:01.280]for instance, and help her with that.
[00:03:03.900]I think another example
[00:03:04.990]is sometimes just doing the daily routines
[00:03:07.300]of it's time to get in the bath,
[00:03:09.130]and after the fifth time of saying,
[00:03:10.717]"I need you to get in the bath,"
[00:03:12.030]you might say it in a really frustrated way and yell,
[00:03:14.340]and that doesn't always feel good as a parent.
[00:03:16.090]And so what's important is that you reconnect,
[00:03:19.250]and you can say, "I don't like when I yell at you,
[00:03:22.117]"when I'm feeling this frustrated, and I'm sorry.
[00:03:24.657]"I know that taking a bath isn't always fun for you,"
[00:03:27.650]and then finding something that can make it more engaging
[00:03:29.980]and they have control over,
[00:03:31.260]like, "why don't you choose the toys
[00:03:32.627]"that you wanna put in the bath."
[00:03:33.850]So that's just kind of a simple way
[00:03:35.970]of we need to really think about how we can repair
[00:03:38.950]and reconnect when we do have those moments
[00:03:41.050]of feeling overwhelmed or reactive.
[00:03:43.230]Before I had children myself,
[00:03:44.800]and I had a hard time imagining myself
[00:03:47.870]being one who would lose my temper,
[00:03:49.750]or lose my cool with young children,
[00:03:52.540]and then after having children,
[00:03:53.700]realized that that's just part of the parenting experience,
[00:03:56.420]at least it was for me in terms of having these moments
[00:03:59.190]where I interacted with my kids
[00:04:01.180]in a way that left me filling with regret,
[00:04:04.050]feeling of regret.
[00:04:05.330]I think we say things sometimes that sounds so simple,
[00:04:08.850]but are very powerful.
[00:04:09.990]And so just to remember that it is important to stop,
[00:04:12.870]to pause, and take a deep breath, and then really think
[00:04:15.940]about how you want to respond instead of reacting.
[00:04:18.760]And especially with young children,
[00:04:20.820]they are really trying to figure out
[00:04:22.860]their own emotions and their own feelings,
[00:04:24.830]and this time can be really hard for everyone,
[00:04:27.530]even with new routines
[00:04:28.810]and just being away from what was familiar to them.
[00:04:31.370]So just to remember that,
[00:04:32.450]that they really need that extra help and support.
[00:04:34.610]Thank you, also thinking about the importance
[00:04:37.509]of social engagement for young children.
[00:04:40.870]So I'm not an early childhood expert,
[00:04:43.270]Holly, you know that,
[00:04:44.270]but I do think one of the values of preschool, for example,
[00:04:49.620]or those early grades in school,
[00:04:51.850]I mean, certainly learning the rudiments
[00:04:55.420]of math, and language, and those sorts of things,
[00:04:59.010]are really important, but also laying the foundation
[00:05:02.720]for firm social interactions.
[00:05:04.620]So, for many children, this is a place
[00:05:07.360]where they're learning how to interact with peers,
[00:05:09.780]other children, and then also other adults
[00:05:12.040]who aren't their parents.
[00:05:13.340]Now, during this time of social distancing,
[00:05:16.950]stay-at-home guidance,
[00:05:18.370]you know, you have that benefit for young children.
[00:05:21.540]Could you comment a little bit on that,
[00:05:23.560]and maybe provide some suggestions
[00:05:25.507]for what parents might do?
[00:05:27.260]Yeah, so a lot of the heart of my work
[00:05:29.830]is around how do we facilitate
[00:05:32.985]that socio-emotional development,
[00:05:34.990]and part of that is developing positive peer relationships,
[00:05:39.060]positive relationships with our mentors, or teachers,
[00:05:43.780]and how to develop skills in those areas.
[00:05:47.140]And so that might be navigating conflict,
[00:05:49.660]you know, especially during preschool,
[00:05:51.630]there's this really pivotal time
[00:05:53.700]of, how do I negotiate in a conflict,
[00:05:56.100]and how do I share, and how do I talk about my feelings
[00:05:59.580]with my close others, whether it's a teacher,
[00:06:01.620]or a parent, or even a peer?
[00:06:03.110]And so I know for me, I think that's been my biggest,
[00:06:07.650]I guess, kind of feeling of grief,
[00:06:09.720]is not having my daughter Savannah in her preschool
[00:06:12.460]'cause she was really developing these close relationships,
[00:06:16.350]and I really I saw this kind of developmental shift for her.
[00:06:19.440]So it was really hard for me to see her miss her friends,
[00:06:23.700]who she'd have these close conversations with
[00:06:26.820]and they would talk about different things
[00:06:28.540]about how they were feeling,
[00:06:29.430]or what they were doing during the day.
[00:06:30.800]And so some ways that we have at home,
[00:06:33.690]and I think that also, you know, there's research
[00:06:36.160]and other experts who talk about this,
[00:06:37.740]is to maintain those social connections.
[00:06:39.900]So even though we're physically distant,
[00:06:41.360]how can you do that in a meaningful way?
[00:06:43.250]And so of course, using virtual methods,
[00:06:47.050]such as the Google Hangouts, or even Zoom, or FaceTime,
[00:06:50.640]is a way that you can connect even with peers.
[00:06:52.910]So in preschool, it can be a fun way to have like Savannah,
[00:06:56.470]for instance, will call one of her friends,
[00:06:58.140]or a few friends from her preschool,
[00:07:00.270]and they're on there for about a half hour.
[00:07:02.310]The way that it works successfully is to use props.
[00:07:05.210]So they might encourage one person to share,
[00:07:07.630]what's your favorite stuffed animal,
[00:07:08.890]or what's your favorite book?
[00:07:10.000]And so they're reciprocating, right,
[00:07:11.480]and making it fun and playful.
[00:07:13.060]And I think that you can do the same thing
[00:07:14.530]if you're communicating with family, like grandparents.
[00:07:17.740]I know a lot of people are missing their grandparents too,
[00:07:20.920]right, and so they had those close relationships
[00:07:22.930]and so being connected in a playful way,
[00:07:25.380]virtually, can be helpful.
[00:07:26.680]It's also, you can do things where,
[00:07:28.640]and I'm getting some of these ideas from Zero To Three,
[00:07:31.340]so you can be the, they call it the hands and the heart
[00:07:33.970]of the person on the screen.
[00:07:35.350]You could pretend, you know, someone like the grandparent
[00:07:37.660]is tickling the baby's tummy, right,
[00:07:40.050]and gave your child's tummy a tickle too,
[00:07:41.930]so that you as the adults are also participating
[00:07:45.510]in that way, or kissing your toddler
[00:07:47.350]and then giving them, so, you know, a grandparent could go,
[00:07:49.587]"Kiss, kiss, kiss," and then the parent
[00:07:51.300]can kiss the cheek of the child,
[00:07:53.300]so it makes it a little bit more social in that way,
[00:07:56.210]and more real, because as we know children really thrive
[00:07:58.940]on that serve-and-return relationship--
[00:08:02.730]I think another important,
[00:08:04.210]in addition to making it like social and interactive,
[00:08:06.530]is you can do rhymes and songs.
[00:08:08.620]There are some sites I can share with you later
[00:08:10.690]where you can actually read some books
[00:08:12.930]that you can download, so if you don't have access to books,
[00:08:15.330]or you can even play games together for the older children
[00:08:17.838]that are interactive, and, you know, are promoted
[00:08:20.480]in terms of being developmentally appropriate.
[00:08:22.370]And I think another part is when you do do those activities
[00:08:25.370]is to explain the technical difficulties that might happen.
[00:08:29.300]So if something, you know, freezes, you can explain to them,
[00:08:33.237]"Oh, look, your screen was frozen."
[00:08:35.370]And then you can also have them lead.
[00:08:36.900]So my daughter has a lot of fun, she's five,
[00:08:39.240]so she has fun now pushing the buttons, right,
[00:08:41.760]being able to turn up the volume
[00:08:43.050]so that it's also engaging in that way.
[00:08:45.340]And then it doesn't always have to be virtual technology.
[00:08:47.820]It could be I know,
[00:08:49.240]some people are doing for birthday parties drive-bys.
[00:08:52.017]So having a parade of people just going by
[00:08:55.830]and saying, happy birthday,
[00:08:56.980]and showing signs to say
[00:08:58.921]I'm thinking about you, I care about you.
[00:09:01.540]Another lovely way is sending letters.
[00:09:04.210]So, she's done that with,
[00:09:05.330]you can do that with friends.
[00:09:06.600]You can also do that with,
[00:09:08.530]you know, your teachers, saying I'm thinking about you,
[00:09:11.140]and here's some gratitude.
[00:09:12.270]And it's nice to get a note in the mail
[00:09:13.980]that can feel really exciting
[00:09:15.490]and creating some art as well and sharing that.
[00:09:18.100]So it doesn't always have to be,
[00:09:19.390]I think, through FaceTime or virtual,
[00:09:21.350]but it can be ways
[00:09:22.320]that you're building connection through mails,
[00:09:25.060]or you know, in the mail,
[00:09:26.090]or sharing pictures is another lovely way.
[00:09:28.630]Those are great suggestions, Holly.
[00:09:30.520]Thank you.
[00:09:31.353]Do you have anything else
[00:09:32.186]that you'd like to say today, Holly?
[00:09:33.800]No, I just think that we have to remember,
[00:09:36.050]I think I've said it before,
[00:09:37.520]but just remember to be gentle
[00:09:39.520]with yourself as a parent,
[00:09:41.620]and that I think
[00:09:42.453]that we're all collectively experiencing this event,
[00:09:45.160]and in different ways, and
[00:09:47.580]that you know, the most
[00:09:48.490]that you can do is be present
[00:09:49.690]for your children the best that you can.
[00:09:51.410]That's terrific.
[00:09:52.243]Thank you very much.
[00:09:53.076]I've been speaking today
[00:09:54.140]with Dr. Holly Hatton-Bowers,
[00:09:56.280]Assistant Professor in Child, Youth, and Family Studies,
[00:09:59.360]the College of Education and Human Sciences.
[00:10:01.370]Holly, thank you so much for talking
[00:10:03.010]with me about this today.
[00:10:04.070]Thank you.

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Part II -- Parenting young children while temporarily working from home

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