Parenting youth while temporarily working from home

IANR Vice Chancellor's Office Author

04/20/2020 Added

10 Plays

Description

Interview with Vanessa Neuhaus, lecturer in Child, Youth and Family Studies, director of Marriage and Family Therapy Program, coordinator of the Family Resource Center, and licensed Independent Marriage and Family Therapist. As faculty and staff members who are used to working from their offices and labs are now temporarily working from home, they may experience unanticipated challenges to their relationships with family members. For parents, these challenges may be related to how to share the same physical space during the work day with their children who are engaged in remote learning while schools are closed.

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[00:00:00.240]I'm Rich Bischoff, the Associate Vice Chancellor
[00:00:02.910]for Faculty and Academic Leader Success
[00:00:05.050]at the Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources.
[00:00:08.230]As faculty and staff members who are used to
[00:00:10.560]working from their offices and labs at the university
[00:00:13.410]find themselves working from home,
[00:00:15.260]they may experience unanticipated challenges.
[00:00:18.160]Not just to how they do their work,
[00:00:20.530]but also in their relationships with family members.
[00:00:23.530]For parents, these challenges may be related to
[00:00:26.620]figuring out how to share the same physical space
[00:00:29.360]during the workday with their children,
[00:00:31.440]who are engaged in remote learning,
[00:00:33.410]while schools are closed.
[00:00:35.030]I'm talking today with Vanessa Newhouse,
[00:00:37.370]Director of the Couple and Family Clinic
[00:00:39.710]and Marriage and Family Therapy Program
[00:00:41.394]in the Department of Child, Youth, and Family Studies
[00:00:44.330]in the College of Education and Human Sciences.
[00:00:47.120]Vanessa, perhaps you could start us off
[00:00:49.380]with some observations about the challenges
[00:00:52.160]that parents with school age children and teens
[00:00:54.485]may experience as they find themselves
[00:00:57.550]temporarily working from home
[00:00:59.460]during this time when schools are closed
[00:01:01.930]due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
[00:01:04.460]So, being a parent myself (laughs)
[00:01:07.100]admittedly, when you first asked about this interview,
[00:01:09.330]I thought, "Oh, goodness!"
[00:01:11.034]I can certainly share a lot of personal experience.
[00:01:15.173]I mean, it has just been a huge transition for families and
[00:01:19.950]remembering that transitions are inherently stressful anyway
[00:01:23.280]even outside of a global pandemic,
[00:01:26.440]that we're finding ourselves, family members,
[00:01:30.400]that those relationships within our family are now
[00:01:33.040]under a tremendous amount of external stress
[00:01:35.720]caused my social distancing and social isolation practices,
[00:01:40.340]you know, and the demands for a lot of the families
[00:01:43.060]still haven't dwindled, right?
[00:01:44.640]Children are still learning, being expected to learn.
[00:01:47.580]Parents are still expected to work from home
[00:01:50.150]and so we find ourselves at kind of these crossroads of
[00:01:53.470]where do I balance and what does balancing even
[00:01:55.610]look like right now.
[00:01:57.090]There are shifts when these transitions happen in roles;
[00:02:01.150]who is going to care for which kid,
[00:02:02.790]who is going to work, when, and
[00:02:04.246]who is going to be on schooling duty at what times,
[00:02:08.550]and shifts in responsibilities and boundaries
[00:02:11.720]as a family are all occurring at the same time.
[00:02:14.660]And with that, if a couple were within a family
[00:02:18.090]there are already struggles communicating.
[00:02:20.976]Right? We didn't have that clear communication
[00:02:24.055]or consistent communication, you know.
[00:02:26.760]Any kind of nature of our relational bond before
[00:02:30.195]this pandemic happened,
[00:02:32.370]is now going to be heightened within our family.
[00:02:36.845]And so, being able to kind of corse correct
[00:02:40.770]and be able to communicate with each other
[00:02:43.770]takes a lot of intention.
[00:02:45.924]And when that is not happening it doesn't kinda
[00:02:48.380]fall into our laps (laughs).
[00:02:49.630]If that's not happening,
[00:02:50.900]it can create a tremendous amount of stress,
[00:02:54.291]pressure, and a lot of sorrow for families.
[00:02:58.350]And I can appreciate that, as you were talking I
[00:03:00.583]was thinking about the disruption in routine
[00:03:03.430]that this might cause where
[00:03:05.250]parents or families are used to interacting with
[00:03:08.450]one another in a particular way,
[00:03:10.923]pacing and timing of that way of interacting
[00:03:14.030]with one another and how this throws that all into chaos.
[00:03:18.212]Could you give us some, do you have some suggestions,
[00:03:20.560]Vanessa, about how to deal with those disruptions in routine
[00:03:25.030]particularly when this is a temporary situation,
[00:03:27.900]to navigate that so that it doesn't
[00:03:31.040]become so disruptive to the relationship?
[00:03:33.880]You know, I think a healthy amount of acceptance
[00:03:37.180]goes a long way as kind of this first step,
[00:03:39.753]reminding ourselves that acceptance doesn't equal approval.
[00:03:43.660]Right? So even if we are like,
[00:03:45.377]"Wow this is, this is not fun, this is really challenging,
[00:03:50.203]I wish it were different,"
[00:03:51.700]you know we can honor all those feelings
[00:03:53.840]of the stress and strain that this causes.
[00:03:56.580]I mean, in a lot of ways this is a grieving process
[00:03:59.430]that we are all going through.
[00:04:00.620]A lot of losses have occurred for kids,
[00:04:03.120]you know, not being able to see their friends
[00:04:05.460]or their teachers anymore.
[00:04:08.951]And so we can honor that, we can name it,
[00:04:11.290]for ourselves and for our children.
[00:04:13.973]Helping our kids to identify, like,
[00:04:16.370]yes, this makes sense that you're sad.
[00:04:18.590]And this is confusing.
[00:04:20.190]And reminding our kids that we are here for them
[00:04:23.060]at this time and always.
[00:04:25.180]That's something that we can absolutely heighten
[00:04:26.750]for our kids, just this security that we have in our family.
[00:04:30.100]That no matter what life throws at us
[00:04:32.170]we're doing this together as a family.
[00:04:34.270]So name the losses, honor the sadness,
[00:04:36.900]honor any feeling that comes up.
[00:04:39.441]And then recognize that when we accept what's happening,
[00:04:44.250]even if we are not approving of it,
[00:04:46.050]if we accept it there's less suffering
[00:04:49.410]that has to happen as a result.
[00:04:51.660]And we kind of just lean into,
[00:04:53.267]"Alright, this is going to be different!"
[00:04:55.010]For a while, right? It's temporary.
[00:04:57.064]Like you said, you know, reminding ourselves that
[00:04:59.305]it's not gonna last forever.
[00:05:01.340]Really being intentional as a family
[00:05:04.258]that's a little bit different than expectations.
[00:05:07.120]I find that when we have expectations about
[00:05:09.530]how the day should go
[00:05:11.010]or what the kids need to do
[00:05:13.390]or what we need to be able to pull off today,
[00:05:16.700]it can pave the road for disappointment a lot of the time.
[00:05:20.240]Versus having a family intention
[00:05:22.800]and having individual intentions.
[00:05:25.220]I intend to seek moments of humor with my family.
[00:05:30.350]Even if its something really small like that.
[00:05:33.080]Or, today I intend to be playful with my kids.
[00:05:36.130]Even if its 10 minutes here or 10 minutes there,
[00:05:39.850]it can really go a long way.
[00:05:40.970]Today, I intend to be fully present when I am
[00:05:44.420]on this conference call or at this assignment,
[00:05:47.370]for doing this assignment with work.
[00:05:49.260]Whatever it might be,
[00:05:50.248]those intentions give our brains
[00:05:53.970]this really clear directive of what
[00:05:56.640]we want to be able to do that day.
[00:05:59.210]And it also kind of trains our brains to
[00:06:00.950]look for those opportunities.
[00:06:02.750]If our intention is to be playful with our kids,
[00:06:05.270]we will find that opportunity
[00:06:07.000]at some point through out the day our brain goes,
[00:06:09.177]"Oh! Here's a moment I can do that."
[00:06:10.970]And we can kind of enjoy and savor
[00:06:13.020]a few moments with our kids.
[00:06:14.917]Sure. No that's great.
[00:06:16.300]I'm catching some themes
[00:06:17.810]in terms of what you're saying, Vanessa.
[00:06:19.599]Acceptance that this is going to be a disruption
[00:06:23.650]hence that we are going to have a host of
[00:06:26.550]really mixed emotions about this,
[00:06:29.280]and that our children will as well.
[00:06:31.210]And then intentionality, you know, also.
[00:06:34.050]I'm hearing you repeat that theme
[00:06:36.439]over and over in terms of how important it is
[00:06:39.273]that we're intentional in our interactions with one another.
[00:06:42.600]I was going to say that
[00:06:43.433]some of the ways that you can be intentional as a family
[00:06:46.108]is to create a family mission statement.
[00:06:49.270]I mean, there are these rituals of connection
[00:06:52.030]that we can all have as a family.
[00:06:53.531]For a lot of families, we're already doing this.
[00:06:56.740]You know, family dinners every night,
[00:06:59.050]or something that we do each weekend
[00:07:02.200]that now we get to get really creative
[00:07:04.920]in case your family ritual depended on
[00:07:07.860]parks, or children's museums, or friends homes,
[00:07:11.630]or things like that, you know,
[00:07:12.790]its another lost experience that you can name,
[00:07:15.796]but also then have the intention of getting creative
[00:07:19.710]about what are other ways
[00:07:20.614]that we are going to connect as a family
[00:07:23.080]and what kind of fun can we have together, and as a
[00:07:25.733]mission statement can be a really meaningful way to do this.
[00:07:29.880]Sitting down with your family maybe its some family dinner
[00:07:32.610]or maybe you have a state of the union (laughs)
[00:07:35.340]kind of meeting every Saturday morning with the family
[00:07:38.410]where you get to talk about,
[00:07:39.697]"What are we doing when we're at our best?"
[00:07:42.410]As a family, we're at our best when...
[00:07:44.670]What? When we are turning towards each other?
[00:07:47.040]When we are giving each other grace?
[00:07:48.727]When we are asking each other questions
[00:07:51.490]about what's going on?
[00:07:52.900]Where are we at our worst?
[00:07:54.190]You know, if we haven't slept well,
[00:07:55.700]if we're not eating right,
[00:07:57.760]if we're not taking some time to be apart a little bit
[00:08:01.230]but also together, you know.
[00:08:02.716]When are we at our worst as a family?
[00:08:05.130]What do we love doing together?
[00:08:06.880]As a family, this is important.
[00:08:09.270]This is one of, I think, one of the most important pieces is
[00:08:12.086]what's happening right now can lead to
[00:08:14.450]a lot of hopelessness and despair.
[00:08:16.114]One of the best ways to get out of hopelessness and despair
[00:08:19.940]is to focus on how you are going to give to others.
[00:08:23.207]How are you going to create hope for others?
[00:08:26.455]And how are you going to inspire others?
[00:08:28.915]When we are really focused on lifting others up
[00:08:31.876]its harder for us to get sucked into that
[00:08:34.836]kind of hopelessness and despair.
[00:08:37.280]So even as a family, sitting down.
[00:08:39.450]How do we as a family, how do the Smiths,
[00:08:41.610]how do the Bishops, how do the Newhouses,
[00:08:44.938]how do we lift others up?
[00:08:47.420]And how are we going to do it at this time?
[00:08:49.777]You can go online and search
[00:08:51.780]family mission statement worksheets
[00:08:53.600]and they have all kinds of really fun creative ways
[00:08:55.930]that you can sit down with your family and be intentional
[00:08:58.185]about how we want to come together as a family during this.
[00:09:04.109]Because I'm reminded, I have five children of my own
[00:09:06.620]most of them are adult children now.
[00:09:09.430]But, I'm reminded of how much parenting
[00:09:13.510]isn't just a collection of skills,
[00:09:15.770]things that you can learn how to do,
[00:09:17.520]but that's an emotional experience.
[00:09:20.441](mumbles) are both positive and negative even
[00:09:22.520]within the same interaction.
[00:09:24.560]I'm wondering if you could, Vanessa,
[00:09:26.990]talk to us just a little bit about maybe how,
[00:09:29.710]a parent, some suggestions about how to
[00:09:32.650]manage their own emotions?
[00:09:34.297]It's hard to show up for our kids (laughs)
[00:09:36.870]you know, when we are, ourselves,
[00:09:40.724]struggling through a lot of struggle ourselves.
[00:09:45.270]I think that what can be really important is
[00:09:49.030]being intentional, again there's that
[00:09:50.810]word again, right? (laughs)
[00:09:52.060]you'll hear it more times before this is over,
[00:09:54.360]about reaching out to your own support systems.
[00:09:57.835]Reaching out to friends, regularly.
[00:10:00.910]Reaching out to your parents.
[00:10:04.370]And reaching out to your partner.
[00:10:06.474]This is an opportunity,
[00:10:08.190]crisis and opportunity are very similar, right?
[00:10:11.040]Partner, about, what am I going through right now.
[00:10:15.380]There is so much power in being able to label and name
[00:10:19.050]what it is that you're experiencing.
[00:10:21.641]This is not the time to showboat
[00:10:24.360]this is not the time to feel like you have to
[00:10:26.580]have it all together for everybody.
[00:10:29.170]That's a myth, and in some really beautiful ways,
[00:10:32.220]being able to share with your kids,
[00:10:35.410]"Yeah, this is hard!"
[00:10:38.212]This is really a struggle for us right now.
[00:10:41.830]And if you're feeling scared, be able to label that.
[00:10:45.440]You know, "I'm scared."
[00:10:46.440]There's a lot of uncertainty right now.
[00:10:49.063]What, "I'm scared, and I'm here for you."
[00:10:53.410]To your children, right?
[00:10:54.630]Your children don't need you to be
[00:10:56.660]kind of this shining example of
[00:10:58.530]having everything all together and having no fear and
[00:11:01.303]knowing exactly what to do and when to do it,
[00:11:03.890]that's not human and
[00:11:06.130]a blessing for your kids is to be able to
[00:11:08.210]see mom and dad label all these big feelings that they have,
[00:11:13.650]because your kids are probably having very similar feelings
[00:11:16.560]but they don't know how to label them.
[00:11:18.690]But if they can hear mom say,
[00:11:20.077]"You know, I'm really missing my coworkers,
[00:11:22.940]and I'm really missing your teachers,
[00:11:25.950]and there is just so much grief that I feel right now."
[00:11:29.750]And when you can do that,
[00:11:31.240]it gives permission for your children
[00:11:32.900]to be able to do that too.
[00:11:34.370]And when we label it,
[00:11:36.001]it almost immediately starts to soothe.
[00:11:40.950]That soothing process can happen internally.
[00:11:43.210]We think if we name these
[00:11:44.610]big scary uncomfortable feelings that
[00:11:46.960]it's going to exacerbate it, make it worse, and
[00:11:49.111]that's just not true.
[00:11:50.490]The exact opposite actually happens.
[00:11:53.640]So, labeling emotions is helpful, but also
[00:11:58.130]going back to what you had said at the beginning of this
[00:12:01.631]little pieces that, looking for ways to connect with others
[00:12:04.300]to engage your social network.
[00:12:05.647]= It just becomes so important, you know.
[00:12:08.160]Every relationship has some semblance of relational anxiety,
[00:12:12.590]you know, and that's just what happens
[00:12:15.070]when we care about somebody
[00:12:16.190]and we're connected to each other
[00:12:18.510]and we're living together and doing life together and
[00:12:20.430]there's going to be a certain amount of
[00:12:21.711]anxiety that occurs within that relationship.
[00:12:24.641]When we are suddenly going from kind of this
[00:12:28.540]expanded social network and
[00:12:30.480]having lots of relationships;
[00:12:31.960]coworkers, and friends, and people who we work out with,
[00:12:35.680]and people who we then go do book club with,
[00:12:38.170]you know all these venues to be able to have relationships
[00:12:41.730]where we can kind of diffuse that anxiety,
[00:12:43.757]and that goes away, you know,
[00:12:45.700]suddenly we're faced with a much smaller family unit
[00:12:48.530]and some of the tension that a lot of families
[00:12:51.110]are feeling right now is a direct result of
[00:12:53.230]not having a place to kind of diffuse and deposit
[00:12:55.801]some of that relational tension.
[00:12:58.103]And so, absolutely.
[00:13:00.720]Now is the time to reach out.
[00:13:02.540]And don't, if there's a narrative in your head about,
[00:13:05.431](groans) "They're probably going through just as much strain
[00:13:07.540]and I don't wanna burden them,"
[00:13:08.700]remember that even though we feel very isolated right now
[00:13:12.590]we're all in this together.
[00:13:14.100]We're all doing it together so
[00:13:15.650]there's gonna be some inherent understanding.
[00:13:17.850]And also, remembering that
[00:13:19.631]what brings us out of despair and hopelessness
[00:13:22.690]is providing hope to others.
[00:13:24.041]Is lifting others up.
[00:13:25.880]And so give your friends, give your family members
[00:13:28.460]the opportunity to lift you up when you need it!
[00:13:31.043]That's not a selfish thing.
[00:13:33.149]That's love! That's relationships.
[00:13:36.070]That's what they're there for.
[00:13:37.780]So, Vanessa, I would imagine if that anxiety exists for
[00:13:41.890]adults, it also exists for children, teenagers.
[00:13:45.180]Just as we as adults can feel pretty socially isolated
[00:13:49.780]during this time because of not having those
[00:13:51.540]physical interactions with others as we're used to.
[00:13:54.670]Children can experience that same sort of thing.
[00:13:57.410]Do you have some suggestions for how parents might help
[00:14:00.783]children navigate that loss of their relationship
[00:14:04.780]with friends and teachers?
[00:14:06.281]Yeah, aside from labeling it,
[00:14:09.140]which is this really important first step,
[00:14:11.260]then kind of going and validating it,
[00:14:13.920]saying, "I feel that way too!"
[00:14:15.851]And then, once kids, once you get a sense that your kid
[00:14:19.440]feels understood and your child is able to say like,
[00:14:23.587]"Yeah, this is what I'm going through,
[00:14:25.047]this is what this feels like,"
[00:14:26.788]you know your kid best.
[00:14:28.092]That kind of resolution
[00:14:30.269]and being able to get to some type of a solution
[00:14:33.610]at the end there, you know it might be some minutes of
[00:14:35.751]sitting down and snuggling together,
[00:14:38.000]you know, much younger children
[00:14:39.610]could really benefit from that.
[00:14:41.390]It might be talking about like,
[00:14:43.177]"So what do we want to do with all these feelings?"
[00:14:45.487]"Who are some of the friends that you miss the most?"
[00:14:47.660]And you know, as a parent, then reaching out
[00:14:49.430]to those other parents and scheduling like a Marco Polo
[00:14:52.660]kind of back and forth.
[00:14:54.070]Marco Polo is a really great app
[00:14:55.720]cause the other person doesn't have to be there right then
[00:14:58.210]you can kind of go back and forth
[00:14:59.820]with like these fun little video chats.
[00:15:02.720]Scheduling zoom meetings with some classmates who you miss,
[00:15:05.800]I think teachers are really stepping up,
[00:15:08.050]I mean, gosh in so many ways,
[00:15:09.650]our teachers, goodness!
[00:15:11.030]But they are having Zoom meetings with classmates and
[00:15:14.275]so things that you can encourage your kid to do.
[00:15:18.100]Give them ideas and support them
[00:15:19.990]in reaching out to their friends.
[00:15:21.460]Maybe it's writing a letter to a grandparent
[00:15:24.390]or a friend who they're missing.
[00:15:26.020]Something where there's some kind of action item
[00:15:29.620]in there kind of gets them feeling like
[00:15:31.500]they're moving towards something.
[00:15:33.370]Great!
[00:15:34.203]Boy, these are such great suggestions and
[00:15:36.400]Vanessa, as we are coming to the end of
[00:15:38.446]our conversation about this, I'm wondering if there's
[00:15:41.470]anything else that maybe you've been thinking of or
[00:15:44.096]you were thinking about it in preparation for
[00:15:46.450]our conversation today that you'd like to share?
[00:15:48.830]Well, one kind of very
[00:15:50.187]logistical thing that I think can be helpful for parents,
[00:15:54.260]sometimes when we think of like the idea of
[00:15:55.740]connecting with our kids, its like
[00:15:57.286]a little bit 'how?'
[00:15:58.119]and this seems kind of vague,
[00:15:59.440]you know, definitely we talked about some
[00:16:01.390]tangible steps you can take today.
[00:16:04.550]There is this kind of, there's this
[00:16:06.020]10/20/10 rule
[00:16:09.337]that can be really helpful, especially
[00:16:13.250]it doesn't really matter which age
[00:16:15.250]range your children are in,
[00:16:16.950]but thinking in terms of the first 10 minutes of the morning
[00:16:20.500]its another ritual of connection.
[00:16:21.840]The first 10 minutes of the morning
[00:16:23.475]we come together, and what will this look like?
[00:16:27.300]Maybe it's we read a book or
[00:16:28.670]maybe it's we talk about dreams that we had last night and
[00:16:31.500]the kids kind of get to pick, you know:
[00:16:33.260]Is this a game that you'll play together?
[00:16:35.290]Is it a conversation you'll have?
[00:16:36.975]What will that look like?
[00:16:38.430]Then sometime in the middle of the day,
[00:16:40.890]it's another 20 minute ritual
[00:16:43.370]where same thing, you know,
[00:16:44.440]kids kind of getting to pick how you engage:
[00:16:46.760]Is it where you go outside for a walk together?
[00:16:49.086]Something that's child led.
[00:16:51.010]And then the last 10 minutes of the day before bed,
[00:16:53.560]and maybe that's reading a story together.
[00:16:55.950]There is research to show that
[00:16:57.510]breaking down that time like that
[00:17:00.057]the 10/20/10 rule
[00:17:02.700]really fills children's buckets
[00:17:04.827]to the point where they feel that bond
[00:17:07.250]that they have with you, they're reminded of it,
[00:17:09.186]and it can help them get through the day.
[00:17:12.166]With, "why is mom here, and now she's you know,
[00:17:15.050]down in the basement?"
[00:17:16.170]It helps remind them of that connect-
[00:17:19.486]the connectedness that they have with you.
[00:17:21.530]And it seems so tangible and easy, right?
[00:17:23.810]When we think of it like,
[00:17:24.643]Oh! Only 10 minutes here,
[00:17:25.840]20 minutes there, and 10 minutes later?
[00:17:27.270]Like, I can do that!
[00:17:28.490]Yeah, but you have to be intentional about it
[00:17:30.340]as you said before and this is
[00:17:32.300]a disruption that we're living with, it's temporary.
[00:17:35.210]But we need to really address it with intentionality.
[00:17:38.760]Vanessa, thank you so much for spending these
[00:17:41.440]few minutes with me talking,
[00:17:43.070]you know, about these things.
[00:17:44.371]Oh, my pleasure! Thanks Rich!

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Parenting youth while temporarily working from home

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