Protecting your relationships while working from home

IANR Vice Chancellor's Office Author

04/13/2020 Added

67 Plays

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Interview with Dr. Paul Springer, Interim chair and professor in Child, Youth and Family Studies. As faculty and staff members who are used to working in offices and labs are now temporarily working from home, they may experience unanticipated challenges related to their relationship s. For couples, these challenges may include figuring out how to share the same space and balance time and attention given to one another and work.

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[00:00:00.130]I'm Rich Bischoff,
[00:00:01.100]the Associate Vice Chair for Faculty
[00:00:03.180]and Academic Leader Success
[00:00:04.600]in the Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources.
[00:00:07.290]As faculty and staff members
[00:00:08.840]who are used to working from their offices
[00:00:10.790]and labs at the university,
[00:00:12.130]find themselves working from home,
[00:00:14.140]they may experience unanticipated challenges
[00:00:16.840]related to their relationships.
[00:00:18.530]For couples, these challenges may include
[00:00:21.010]figuring out how to share the same physical space
[00:00:23.670]while they are working,
[00:00:24.780]balancing time and attention given to one another
[00:00:27.570]and attention given to work.
[00:00:28.910]Navigating these challenges can have
[00:00:30.700]both positive and negative consequences
[00:00:32.700]on couple relationships with the consequences being largely
[00:00:37.150]determined by how partners handle them.
[00:00:39.310]I'm talking today with Dr. Paul Springer,
[00:00:41.680]Professor and Interim Chair
[00:00:43.270]of the Department of Child Youth and Family Studies.
[00:00:46.000]Paul has expertise.
[00:00:47.930]He's an emerging family therapist
[00:00:50.030]and has expertise in working with couples and families
[00:00:53.780]both from a preventative stand point,
[00:00:55.970]and also to help couples and families
[00:00:58.940]who are having challenges.
[00:01:00.500]Paul, perhaps you could start us off with some observations
[00:01:04.520]about the challenges that couples
[00:01:07.410]who are among our faculty members
[00:01:09.200]and staff members who are used to working
[00:01:11.320]from the labs and offices at the university,
[00:01:14.320]what they may experiences they find themselves temporarily
[00:01:17.720]working form home during this time
[00:01:20.940]when we're faced with
[00:01:22.700]restrictions in working
[00:01:24.570]due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
[00:01:26.920]Sure. Yeah, so thanks Rich.
[00:01:28.870]I'm really glad to be able to kind of talk about this.
[00:01:32.130]There's this well know concept in couples therapy
[00:01:35.110]that's always operating in intimate relationships,
[00:01:38.310]and I think it's been magnified
[00:01:40.470]as we're seeing couples working from home,
[00:01:43.110]and it's this tension between autonomy and dependency.
[00:01:46.320]And really, what's happened with the COVID-19 pandemic
[00:01:49.167]has really magnified the issues
[00:01:51.690]as couples are spending almost all of their time together
[00:01:55.740]as they're now working from home.
[00:01:57.550]They're juggling child care.
[00:01:59.470]They're dealing with their own anxieties
[00:02:01.580]around the work load that they have,
[00:02:03.970]around the stress around the pandemic
[00:02:06.170]and really about trying to manage
[00:02:08.840]their intimate relationships,
[00:02:10.860]whether it's with their partner or with their kid.
[00:02:13.350]And if we look kind of globally,
[00:02:15.930]we're seeing the impact that this mandatory lockdown
[00:02:20.980]and that we're kind of experiencing from
[00:02:22.900]working from home has had on intimate relationships.
[00:02:25.560]And so for example in China,
[00:02:28.090]we've seen the divorce rate spike dramatically
[00:02:31.280]since this has happened, and also,
[00:02:34.350]we've also seen people coping with this anxiety
[00:02:37.610]in different ways.
[00:02:38.670]In just a week, we've seen in alcohol sales
[00:02:41.890]that sales of alcohol has increased by 55%,
[00:02:45.940]and so, all of these things,
[00:02:48.090]we have to see the context for what it is.
[00:02:51.260]And as we're working from home,
[00:02:53.230]I think we're juggling different things.
[00:02:55.750]We have to recognize that spending a lot of time
[00:02:58.810]with your partner or others at home,
[00:03:02.180]puts you in a different state of mind,
[00:03:03.970]then what you are when you're normally working with
[00:03:06.500]let's say on campus in your office.
[00:03:08.400]And so, you may find because of that
[00:03:10.720]you're feeling more anxious, you're more worried,
[00:03:13.900]or you may even feel helpless due to the social distancing
[00:03:17.890]that you have to have and the challenges of accomplishing
[00:03:21.280]your task now in a new work space.
[00:03:24.330]I know for me, as the Interim Department Chair,
[00:03:27.950]and now having to come work from home
[00:03:29.780]it's really created some challenges in developing
[00:03:34.490]a good routine around how I do things
[00:03:37.170]and how managing that with my partner
[00:03:39.300]who's working form home and now our four kids.
[00:03:42.030]And so, we have to learn to navigate the dual roles
[00:03:45.920]of being a partner and an office mate.
[00:03:49.600]And so, a lot of couples
[00:03:52.170]who are working from home now,
[00:03:54.150]are needing to share a small space for work,
[00:03:56.940]and if that's the case,
[00:03:59.680]you have to also juggle
[00:04:01.270]issues related to child care
[00:04:04.078]if you have deadlines
[00:04:06.950]and those sorts of things.
[00:04:08.570]And so, there's some strategies
[00:04:10.090]that I think you can begin to develop
[00:04:12.260]with your partner as you're working from home with them,
[00:04:15.090]and one of that is making sure that you're communicating
[00:04:18.720]what those deadlines and challenges are,
[00:04:21.200]and develop good boundaries and routines related to
[00:04:25.450]how are you managing child care issues?
[00:04:28.080]How are you managing access to certain rooms?
[00:04:30.890]If your having to maybe take a Zoom call,
[00:04:34.930]your kids are in another room,
[00:04:37.010]to have your partner take time off to manage the kids
[00:04:39.900]so you can take the Zoom call.
[00:04:42.370]Even issues related to WiFi priority,
[00:04:44.940]maybe your bandwidth at home is not strong enough
[00:04:47.960]for all of you to be on Zoom calls at the same time,
[00:04:51.700]learning how to manage those sorts of things.
[00:04:53.840]And so, those are some of the issues that I know couples
[00:04:58.090]that I work with are trying to manage
[00:05:00.120]and deal with right now.
[00:05:01.560]So, one of the things that I've been challenged with
[00:05:05.090]Paul, frankly, is I've been now working from home
[00:05:08.500]for a couple of weeks when that hasn't been my pattern,
[00:05:12.060]is that my relationship with my spouse,
[00:05:16.620]we spend weekends together
[00:05:18.520]and then several hours in the evening together
[00:05:21.320]and have a pretty good relationship with that amount
[00:05:23.620]of time together.
[00:05:24.737]And then, one of the challenges that we've experienced
[00:05:27.300]is now we're, you know, together 24/7.
[00:05:29.840]I'm wondering if you could speak just a little bit about
[00:05:32.050]that and giving me and maybe some others advice
[00:05:34.430]about how to navigate those kinds of dynamics.
[00:05:37.470]Yeah, absolutely.
[00:05:38.560]That's actually a really significant issue
[00:05:41.210]because time spent together,
[00:05:43.480]the longer we spend with each other,
[00:05:45.530]we all have our own quirks,
[00:05:46.990]and we all have our own little issues,
[00:05:48.880]and sometimes, especially in times of stress,
[00:05:51.610]those can become magnified.
[00:05:53.520]And so, I think some tools or ideas that I would recommend,
[00:05:57.890]is one is, to build a routine
[00:06:01.840]that you guys can depend on.
[00:06:04.000]So your partner knows that certain times,
[00:06:06.780]you may not be available and that that's understood.
[00:06:10.170]And so if you have a time period
[00:06:11.820]let's say between eight and noon,
[00:06:13.290]where you're dealing with a lot of Zoom calls,
[00:06:16.260]a lot of interviews or your writing manuscripts
[00:06:20.090]or doing other things,
[00:06:21.690]to really make sure that this routine
[00:06:24.000]is known by your partner.
[00:06:26.510]So that space is given
[00:06:29.140]and there's not this sense of resentment
[00:06:31.230]that you should be available and your not.
[00:06:34.200]I also think that's it's important
[00:06:35.800]that you plan time together during the day.
[00:06:38.580]And so, for example,
[00:06:39.800]it doesn't need to be large amounts of time,
[00:06:43.620]but maybe go on a walk with your partner during your lunch
[00:06:46.720]or have a planned lunch together.
[00:06:48.740]And maybe if you're in your office,
[00:06:51.250]you normally would go take walks during the day,
[00:06:54.490]maybe with a colleague,
[00:06:55.970]plan time so you do that with your partner 'cause those
[00:06:58.590]can be small points of connection
[00:07:00.570]that allow you to still feel connected to one another
[00:07:04.160]as you're sharing space,
[00:07:06.030]but also allows opportunity for you to have distance
[00:07:09.650]when you need that time to do your work.
[00:07:11.780]Yeah. I like this concept of small points of connection
[00:07:16.210]that you mentioned.
[00:07:17.043]You started off our conversation by talking about
[00:07:20.460]balancing, autonomy, and dependency,
[00:07:23.230]I'm wondering if you could say just a little bit more about
[00:07:25.860]what you mean by autonomy and dependency,
[00:07:28.640]particularly as it relates to
[00:07:29.960]these small points of connection for our listeners.
[00:07:33.170]Yeah, so, all of us want our agency and ability
[00:07:38.390]to make choices and have autonomy to do those things.
[00:07:41.400]And often times when we're at work,
[00:07:43.610]we have that ability and autonomy
[00:07:45.930]of when we're connecting with our partners.
[00:07:48.780]We may call at home and check in,
[00:07:51.827]but when we're at home that autonomy is often times limited
[00:07:55.560]because your boundaries are really strained.
[00:07:58.850]Maybe your kids are running around,
[00:08:00.626]you have to deal with those things
[00:08:02.400]or your spouse has a crisis.
[00:08:04.680]And so, this idea of agency or autonomy is always
[00:08:08.950]in competition to dependency or this idea
[00:08:12.350]that we're taking into consideration
[00:08:15.270]the other person's need and want.
[00:08:17.900]And so what's really challenging here,
[00:08:20.310]when you are at home all the time and sharing space
[00:08:24.680]is that maybe when you're having downtime
[00:08:27.480]your need for connection with your partner is greater
[00:08:30.600]if your partner is busy at work and vice versa,
[00:08:33.410]and that's always going to be in conflict.
[00:08:35.430]And then really having boundaries and conversations
[00:08:39.860]around that with your partner so you can navigate
[00:08:43.040]and still meet each other's need,
[00:08:44.810]while still being able to
[00:08:46.140]accomplish your work and your tasks.
[00:08:47.910]Those are great suggestions.
[00:08:49.480]As you were talking, I was thinking about my own,
[00:08:52.490]experience in terms of trying to
[00:08:55.507]navigate these relationships
[00:08:58.739]as though it's the weekend everyday.
[00:09:01.477]Yeah. (laughs)
[00:09:03.110]Trying to establish that same sort of
[00:09:05.562]pattern of interaction with my spouse
[00:09:08.310]recognizing that I also have great deal of work to do
[00:09:11.580]just to keep, you know, the ship afloat.
[00:09:15.410]Anyway, Paul, do you have any closing observations
[00:09:18.650]that you might want to share?
[00:09:20.090]Yeah, I do think it's important that in this time
[00:09:24.310]that you create space to take care of your spouse.
[00:09:27.860]Often times, we we're in a caretaker role,
[00:09:30.310]and many of us have our children at home as well,
[00:09:33.400]is that we don't take time to take care of ourself.
[00:09:37.010]So, I think there are some important things to
[00:09:40.010]is that if we don't have anything to give
[00:09:43.130]because we're constantly exhausted,
[00:09:46.090]we can't really contribute to our relationship.
[00:09:49.090]There's a saying that I use all the time
[00:09:51.580]when I talk to my partners is,
[00:09:53.132]"The grass is not greener on the other side,
[00:09:56.360]the grass is always greener where you water it,"
[00:09:59.430]and in order to be able to water your relationship,
[00:10:02.030]you also have to nourish yourself.
[00:10:04.360]And so, I would encourage people to take time
[00:10:07.630]to connect with themselves.
[00:10:09.300]Meditate or go for a walk or exercise,
[00:10:12.655]but I would also encourage people to continue
[00:10:16.596]to try and create some normalcy
[00:10:18.820]in your relationship in a sense.
[00:10:20.390]If you have a date night, try to keep a date night
[00:10:22.890]where you and your partner,
[00:10:24.680]maybe you can't go out,
[00:10:26.540]but maybe you can watch a show on Netflix together
[00:10:29.600]and your kids can be somewhere else.
[00:10:31.430]Just making sure that you make very specific time
[00:10:34.730]for each other, for you and your partner.
[00:10:37.230]Just as you can keep specific time for yourself
[00:10:40.680]for your doing that fill yourself,
[00:10:42.840]and allow you to have the energy
[00:10:45.680]you need to be a good partner.
[00:10:47.170]Paul, this has been so helpful.
[00:10:48.880]I appreciate you sharing these observations
[00:10:51.580]and your expertise with us.
[00:10:53.154]Thanks, thank you.

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Protecting your relationships while working from home

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