(instrumental music)
(Indian traditional music)
(singing in foreign language)
(woman speaking in foreign language)
-: [Female translator] There are all kinds of mothers-in-law.
A real mother-in-law treats her daughters-in-law
like her own daughters.
When our sons marry, the daughters-in-law come
and live here in this house.
Our daughters they marry and move away.
(Indian traditional music)
A good mother-in-law manages the whole household
and treats everybody the same.
Without a mother-in-law there's no order in the house
and the family doesn't stay together.
(singing in foreign language)
(woman speaking in foreign language)
Today the times are such
that in front of her husband's mother,
her husband's father, in front of his elder brother,
his younger brother, in front of everybody,
a woman leaves her face unveiled.
And wives eat with their husbands.
In my day we served them and hid ourselves away.
And nowadays married women, these daughters-in-law,
listen only to their husbands.
They won't listen to anyone else.
We couldn't do that.
When our men came in, our husbands, we do like this,
and we wouldn't say a word.
If our mother-in-law complained to her son,
"Your wife doesn't do such-and-such,"
then we'd be beaten.
They beat us and they'd say,
"Why didn't you do what she said?
"Why were you rude to my mother?"
Times have changed.
I know one must move with it,
but one shouldn't forget old loves or ignore new ways.
(people murmuring)
(women speaking in foreign language)
Male narrator: This is a film about a family
and the different roles women play throughout their lives:
daughter, mother, mother-in-law,
daughter-in-law, sister, wife.
(women speaking in foreign language)
Dadi and her family live in a village of 500 families
in the state of Haryana in North India.
(car honking)
Dadi means grandmother.
More importantly, Dadi is the Saas, the mother-in-law.
She's the manager of a household which includes her husband,
three grown sons, two daughters-in-law and seven children.
When Dadi says the family, she means the male lineage
with all their wives and children living
as one economic unit, with everyone's income managed
by the oldest couple.
So far, her family has remained close to this ideal.
Dadi's family may not remain together.
It's threatened both by the possibility
that one of her sons will break away
and establish his own household, and by the daily pressures
of different people living and working together.
(people murmuring)
(woman speaking in foreign language)
-: [Female translator] When I was a new bride,
I felt like running away.
I think, "Don't stay here, go home."
That's how I thought.
But after my son was born, I had a change of heart.
This became my home.
Now everything that's important to me is here.
(woman speaking in foreign language)
In the family everyone works together.
The mother and father-in-law,
they make decisions for the whole family.
We don't have to worry.
But if my husband and I left the family
to set up our own household, I'd have to do all the work
in the fields and all the work in the house.
There are benefits in staying together.
My husband wants an office job and his family home.
He doesn't want to live outside the village.
He miss his children.
He miss his father.
He miss her mother.
You can't have both.
You have to choose.
We have three children.
Not too many.
I only wanted two sons, but my husband wouldn't listen.
He was set on having a daughter.
He said, "When your sons bring home their wives,
"you'll feel they've come easily.
"But if you've given a daughter away in marriage,
"you'll appreciate your daughters-in-law.
"As a mother-in-law you'll think of your own daughter
"at her in-laws
"and then treat your sons' wives
"like they were your daughters."
I'd have stopped after two sons, but he wanted a daughter.
See how wise my husband is?
(man shouts at the oxen)
Everything has changed for a woman at her in-laws.
Years ago, women were afraid of their mothers-in-law.
They did whatever she told them to do.
Now it's your husband's word that counts.
Nobody listens to their mothers-in-law anymore.
In Dadi's time it wasn't like that.
She was dominated by others.
Women of her generation were afraid,
afraid of their mothers-in-law,
of their sisters-in-law, afraid of their men.
We aren't afraid.
If we don't agree with our husbands, we can say so.
If my husband does something wrong,
if he doesn't listen to me, I can criticize him.
He accepts it.
In Dadi's time, husbands never listened.
When I ask my husband to do something, he'll do it.
That's what our times are like now.
The world has changed.
(speaking in foreign language)
Male translator: I have three sons and 30 acres of land.
This son does the chores and this son does the plowing.
My youngest son is in the city.
I have five grandsons, their mother
and two daughters-in-law.
I also have three daughters and two granddaughters.
That's the family.
Everybody works together on the farm.
The sugarcane, it has to be planted.
Then we cut it.
Then it's threshed for the juice.
And there's the wheat to harvest.
And then we thresh it.
And then there's all the grain to carry home.
We farm all together, the whole family:
my sons, my daughters-in-law, myself, their mother.
The work is shared.
The work never stops.
(speaking in foreign language)
-: [Female translator] It isn't that everybody contributes
to the family and then they have to pay personal expenses
out of their own pocket.
Everybody gives us their earnings.
Then, whenever someone needs something,
whether it's so much money or so much cloth,
we'll get it for them.
That's the benefit of a large family:
share the work and share the food.
If I don't treat everyone equally,
my sons will say, "Look, brother, you live on your earnings
"and I'll live on mine."
The family will split up
and they'll have to fend for themselves.
In the family survival is not a problem,
everybody's cared for, countable.
But on his own a man kills himself with work for nothing.
If this family splits up, everything will be divided
down to the last needle, even the needle and thread,
they'll be divided.
There are 100 things that can divide the family.
But as long as my sons keep contributing equally,
then the family will go on the way it has.
Male narrator: Dadi is 56 years old.
She came to this house as a bride when she was 16.
Traditionally, women of Dadi's community
have had no rights, except through men,
to land her houses either in their parents home
or their husband's home.
A woman security rests on her relationships.
(speaking in foreign language)
Darshini is the eldest daughter-in-law.
If the family remains together, she will become the Dadi,
the senior woman.
Darshini has no brothers, and both her parents are dead.
So, this is her only family.
Her husband, Meherlal, never worked on the farm
while he was growing up.
After high school, he had a job as a clerk
in an agricultural bank.
Five years ago he lost his job,
and now he does chores around the farm
and takes care of the animals.
Sita is the second daughter-in-law.
Like Darshini, she's had only a few years
of formal schooling.
She's been working on the farm since her marriage.
Her husband, Mohinder, began to work on the farm
as a teenager.
Some seasons, Mohinder spend such long hours in the fields,
he doesn't see the village in daylight
for several months at a time.
He does all the heavier and more difficult work on the farm.
Mohinder also has the responsibility
of teaching the next generation how to manage the farm.
As Dada taught him.
Dada is 70 years old.
He was an only son, so he inherited all of his father's land
as well as the house, built by his grandfather.
Like many farm families in this area,
Dadi and Dada sent all their children to school.
An educated daughter will get a better husband.
And an educated son can contribute both his salary
and his city connections to benefit the family.
A son can live in the city with his wife and children
and still be a part of the traditional family,
as long as he continues to give his salary to his parents.
Dada's youngest son, Rajinder, never learned to work
on the farm.
Rajinder lives in the city
and has just graduated from college.
At the moment he's unemployed.
In a few days he'll be getting married,
and will come back here for a brief stay.
The state of Haryan is one of India's most productive areas.
Farm output has doubled in 10 years.
Farmers like Dada can afford tractors.
They just don't want one.
Using a team of oxen and renting a tractor occasionally
makes more economic sense.
By Indian village standards, Dadi's family
and most of the 500 families here are very well-off indeed.
Most people in the village are Jots,
a caste group known throughout India
as hardworking successful farmers.
And in contrast to many parts of the country,
here even in wealthy families women work.
(speaking in foreign language)
A woman is always a daughter as well as a daughter-in-law.
Most women return to their parents home
for lengthy stays several times a year.
It's an important right, and the more welcomed she is
on her return to her parents' or brothers' home,
the stronger her position at her in-laws.
(speaking in foreign language)
All of Dadi's grandchildren go to school.
The two granddaughters start class a bit later than the boys
and they're expected to do a few chores
before leaving for school.
(speaking in foreign language)
After her daugher's death, Meherlal, the eldest son,
will become the head of the family if it remains together.
If Meherlal and his brothers decide
to make separate households in the near future,
the family property and the 30 acres
will be divided in four parts.
Dadi and Dada will take one share
and pool it with one of the three sons.
(speaking in foreign language)
A woman marries into a village of strangers.
It's important to show modesty and respect,
especially in front of men older than one's husband.
(speaking in foreign language)
In any village street the women with their faces covered
are daughters-in-law.
The ones with their faces uncovered are daughters.
Dadi's daughters Saroj and Anguri have come back
for the celebration of their brother's wedding.
In her husband's village, a woman is
by extension a daughter-in-law
or a sister-in-law to everyone.
In her parents village, she is by extension a daughter,
a sister to everyone, so she has a great deal
more freedom both in public and in the house.
(speaking in foreign language)
(man speaking in foreign language)
Children are an investment
and sons work for your own family.
Daughters move away.
How can I explain it?
When a son is born people sing songs and play the drums.
They play the drum and say, "We've had a son."
When it's a daughter, they don't play drums or sing songs.
They aren't happy.
(women singing in foreign language)
Weddings are family events.
They help cement all relationships in the family,
not just the relationship of the bride and the groom.
(women singing in foreign language)
None of the women here have met Kanta, the new bride.
And although they know she'll only stay a few days
before going back to the city with Rajinder,
there's a great deal of curiosity and interest in her.
(speaking in foreign language)
-: [Female translator] We won't get her to do anything.
She's educated.
These daughters-in-law, Sita and Darshini,
they aren't educated.
They'll do their work in the fields
and Kanta will sit at home.
She will heat water and bathe.
She'll comb her hair, cook food,
make bread and eat her meal;
sit with us, laugh, talk, whatever.
She'll sit upstairs with Rajinder.
Right?
Older women say education ruins a girl.
I like educated women.
Stupid people don't.
I've been wise since I was this high.
That's how I've managed this household.
I didn't listen to any of the other women.
I said yes to everybody.
I piled on the yeses, but I did what I wanted to do.
(people murmuring)
(speaking in foreign language)
Male Narrator: Rajinder, Dadi's youngest son,
will be married in the house of the bride's family
as it's traditional.
(speaking in foreign language)
The women of the groom's family do not attend the wedding,
so Dadi won't be going.
She and Darshini and Sita will be meeting the bride
for the first time when she arrives
in the village this evening.
(speaking in foreign language)
There's a great deal of preparation
for the wedding parties return to the village
with the bride.
But all that Dadi will see of the wedding itself
are the photographs.
(Indian traditional music)
Dadi's two older sons had arranged marriages.
Rajinder is the first son to choose his own bride.
He met Kanta in school when they were teenagers.
Her family lives in the city
and she has a job there as a teacher.
The wedding takes place in the afternoon.
In the village the women of the family
have their own celebration.
(women laughing)
(women singing in foreign language)
(women speaking in foreign language)
(women singing in foreign language)
(women speaking in foreign language)
(women singing in foreign language)
(Dadi speaking in foreign language)
-: [Female translator] My daughters-in-law aren't concerned
about the future.
I was like that once.
Let them be.
But they should be allies: today I'm the mother-in-law;
tomorrow they will be the mothers-in-law.
They don't understand this.
They think nothing will change.
Doesn't everything change?
They'll grow old.
They'll all grow old, and no one's fate is the same.
Someone's husband will die.
Someone will have children.
Anything can happen.
In the family we can bear any loss
because we all suffer together,
but if they leave the family,
they'll have their own problems
and they'll have to find their own solutions.
(speaking in foreign language)
Male narrator: The arrival of the bride and groom
is followed by several days of feasting
and visits by neighbors and relatives.
There's a great deal of extra work in the house.
It's a time of celebration, but also a time of strain,
particularly for the eldest daughter-in-law, Darshini.
-: [Female Translator] After the wedding,
Darshini wanted to go to her uncle's village for a few days.
I told her she couldn't go.
I refused because there's too much work in the house.
She started crying.
I know she doesn't have an easy time in this family.
I tried to comfort her but she got upset
about all the things in the family that make her unhappy.
(speaking in foreign language)
I wanted to tell her your mother-in-law
feels miserable for you.
Meherlal had a job.
A bit about 400, 500 rupees a month,
but he got drunk and lost it.
If one's man is drunk no one can say anything.
She doesn't have a mother or a father.
Now I'm her mother and Dada is her father.
She's got no one else.
(speaking in foreign language)
Male translator: Women here do a lot of work.
more work than men.
They fetch water, cut fodder, chop it up as feed
for the animals, and the milking.
They milk the cows.
They collect cow dung and dry it for fuel.
Women do a lot of work.
A woman does everything in the house.
She works all day in the fields and still comes home
to more work, and even then the husband gets angry.
She works with her husband in the fields and still has
to heat water, make bread and cook the food.
And men get upset: "Where's my bath water?
"Why is taking you so long with the food?"
It's difficult here for women.
(speaking in foreign language)
-: [Female translator] Women can be married off
anywhere to anybody.
We have no choice but to live with him.
Ours is the inferior caste to women.
If you're lucky you'll get a good man
who will keep you lovingly you.
If you get a stingy good for nothing,
he can say, go, you're not fit for me.
Then where do we go?
Where do we go?
Ours is a worthless caste.
This is how it is for women.
This is our problem.
God, whatever you want will be.
An educated woman can manage.
Illiterate ones like us can't.
Whose mate do we become?
We have to use all our knowledge,
our wisdom and our understanding.
We have to establish our home,
raise our children, do everything.
We have to be submissive and do our work.
(speaking in foreign language)
Anything might happen to this family.
Once my youngest son Rajinder gets a job,
if he doesn't share his salary with the rest of the family,
if he keeps taking from the farm, then what will happen?
If he won't contribute, how will we meet our expenses?
At first his brothers would say, "It doesn't matter
"if he keeps some of his salary
"as long as he gives some too".
But after a while, after he has children,
maybe Rajinder will stop giving anything.
If he takes his share from the farm,
how will the family go on?
In farming you have to put in in order to take out.
Need everybody's work.
There's always something that's got to be done.
A buffalo has to be bought, some cows, a house dog.
There are 100 things.
(speaking in foreign language)
Now, I've got four children, right?
The family is good for me because it pays
for my children's schooling.
Later, it will pay for their marriages.
When they're all settled, I'll feel at ease.
But what's the advantage for Rajinder's wife?
She doesn't have children, no school fees.
She doesn't want to contribute when it only benefits us.
She'd rather separate from the family.
Without children, there's no advantage to the family.
Their expenses are low.
They could save money, so it makes sense to leave.
I don't want to for at least a few years.
By then my children will be through school,
they'll be married and I'll be free.
For me it's no burden, it's a support.
That's the situation.
We're in the grip of the land,
weeding sugarcane, sowing wheat,
my husband plows, but why should my son?
This life is all right for us,
but we'd like to give our children a better chance.
What's in farming?
We live in dirt and dust.
We'd like to improve our lot and our children's.
So we want them to study as much as they can.
We work the land, but why should they suffer?
It's our duty as parents to give them a better chance,
that's our hope.
We've only three children, not too many,
two boys and a girl.
We'll send them to school for as long as they wish.
Our job is to educate them, the rest is up to them.
Whether they study or not, all we want in our hearts
is that they study and find jobs outside the village.
We have troubles.
They'll have them too if they stay here.
I had 10 children.
Out of 10, only six are alive.
If I stopped after one or two,
what would have happen to our land and our home?
How would we have coped?
Four, five of mine have died, but I still have six children.
If I'd had an operation done after the first two, then what?
Meherlal was my firstborn.
Then some died and some lived, but the situation
was under control, so what have I lost?
Who's stronger than I?
Are my daughters-in-law?
They only had one or two, are they better?
I can hold their necks in each hand.
Tell me, how are they better?
What have I lost?
God, there should be plenty of work
and plenty of people to do it.
By God's grace there should always be the family.
God bless this family.
Give it success and a long life.
May God give us wealth and work in this house.
When there's no work, then nothing is left.
For those who don't have a family, what use is their wealth?